A Mistake?

With Congressman Weiner dominating the media this week – I’ve been reminded of an earlier observation from years of living in a world full of fallible people, myself not excluded.  A psychologist I am not, but it does seem logical that one can often gauge the compunction of an offender by the way an “apology” is phrased.  Let’s use Weiner/Clinton/Schwarzenegger/Woods as examples.  All have had the embarrassment of widely publicized sexual offenses - no need to expand on details.  We, the public, have heard them each confess to “making a mistake (or in some cases – “mistakes.”)  Did they really make a mistake?  I don’t see it that way.  These men made intentional choices - decisions to commit acts which would knowingly harm their wives and children, while bringing widespread and long lasting humiliation to all involved. 

Like each of my friends, I’ve been wronged by many people.  The ones who have elicited the most pain, interestingly enough, have at times said those same words to me.  “I made a mistake/we made mistakes.”   I tend to think these persons are less remorseful and more or less just “busted”. 

Which person would you believe is truly repentant – the one who says:  “I am so sorry that I made the decision to (fill in the blank) , knowing that my actions would cause you pain.”  OR: “I made a mistake – can’t we just get past it?”  I’d rather have someone “own” their action than to blow it off as a   “mistake”.  A mistake is turning left at the traffic light instead of turning right.  A mistake is unknowingly calling someone by the wrong name. A mistake is adding numbers in your head incorrectly.  “A poor choice” or “selfish decision” more accurately describes the behaviors referenced in this post.  

Assigning the label “mistake” to a choice to repeatedly abuse/neglect a child or a spouse – is hugely inaccurate;  Making the choice to leave one’s spouse/children to indulge selfish desires is not a mistake.  It’s a bold pronouncement of self-centeredness – it’s a value statement;  Years spent stealing, lying, and manipulating others - are not years that were laden with “mistakes”.  They were years of life in which numerous poor, unethical, immoral decisions were acted upon.

Think about it – when someone willfully hurts you - do you want them to attribute it to a careless blunder or claim it for what it actually is?  On the flipside, we cannot authentically repent of our hurtful, willful acts against others without claiming ownership of our actions and the consequences they bring.  Be truly “sorry” for hurting another person - don’t just be “sorry” you were caught or exposed.

It’s especially hard for me – with my personality, to admit being wrong.  However, owning our “stuff” will likely make us more compassionate when others fall from grace.  We’ll also have more credibility with family and friends.   Humble, remorseful ownership of our negative actions will probably make us more approachable.  Let’s face it – nobody’s perfect. It’s actually refreshing and freeing when we and others ADMIT our failings, rather than hide behind the guise of a “mistake.”

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Ezekiel 18:30-31