The first time our eldest daughter drove away from the house with both siblings in tow, is an image that WGH and I will not soon forget. A helpless feeling came over both of us as we stood there and watched until the green minivan with our three most precious blessings, rounded the bend and continued out of view. Feeling so helpless, all we could mutter was “Protect them God.” I’d like to say that this practice of supervising exits from the driveway, becomes less prominent in day to day life; it hasn’t . I honestly think our kids would be shocked to look back in the rearview mirror and not see us standing in the driveway or on the front steps. (Usually, waving a bit like maniacs and, on rare momentous occasions – with bittersweet tears.) What the children don’t realize is that I typically continue to stand in my watchful position as they drive beyond the bend. My responsibility as a mom is to listen for screeching tires and sounds of crunching metal, as they make left hand turns across a busy four-lane road, right? Fortunately, in the seven years of doing this – not once have I heard either horrifying sound. We all know that worry does nothing to circumvent disaster – so I choose to think of this as my motherly duty. If one of my children encountered trouble, I’d just sprint down the street and be there to help in any way possible – and most likely embarrassing them by being in pjs.
Two words that will drive parents to their knees, in a flash are “DRIVER’S LICENSE.” Those words helped me begin the realization, that in spite of all my efforts – I’ve never been fully able to protect my children, and the illusion of any control at all is quickly dissipating. The three times WGH and I have experienced the first solo departures from the driveway have been mere “Baby steps” on this road to the “we are completely without control” realization.
Like most Moms and Dads, we said goodbye to our children at numerous sleepovers, camps, dorms, and mission trip departures, etc. ; but the hardest farewell of all, and the greatest lesson about perceived control came in October 2009. We had spent several days in Topsail, NC – enjoying the last days before Tyler’s first deployment. We optimized every moment, and did all we could to make his last days on US soil, memorable and fun. We rented a great beach house and enjoyed fabulous family time, meaningful conversation, and lots of hugs, tears, and laughs – and eating at all the restaurants of his choice. We completely relished the time together, and we’ll never forget the emotional events of that week.
Nothing, nothing, nothing – could prepare my “mom’s heart” for the poignant goodbye that would take place on that pre-dawn, October morning. As the young men of Tyler’s unit gathered in the parking lot, with their gear tagged and staged, a sobering thought came to mind. From talking to others – I know that same sobering thought invaded their minds as well. Standing in the midst of roughly a 1000 young men, we knew that some of these brave 19-25 year olds would not return to their families. We knew that many would be injured. Every parent was having the same unspoken thoughts – as were many of the marines who were about to embark on a life-changing tour of duty in Afghanistan. As we stood there hugging, I was praying like crazy - praying that this would not be the last time I was able to hug my sweet boy. I didn't want to let go of him. I made a concerted effort to look at him and to "ingrain" that snapshot of his handsome face in my mind forever. Simply looking at this picture causes tears to well up because the profound emotions that overcame me that day are so easily recalled.
As all of our sons began boarding the buses that would take them to a nearby air base – the tears flowed more heavily, and the sobs grew louder – I don’t think I looked at another face that wasn’t wet with tears. A final round of hugs preceded my son stepping on the bus. Our family, along with others – stood there and watched and prayed as the buses drove out of sight – “just around the bend.”
Like watching my precious son drive out of our neighborhood for the first time, watching him ride away on a bus – heading to war, drove me to the realization that as parents, we only think we have control over our children. There was not a single thing that I could do to help him after he turned out of our neighborhood, and there wasn’t a single thing I could do to protect him as his boots touched Afghanistan soil – but PRAY. I had no more ability to protect him thousands of miles away, than I did to protect him between home and school just a year earlier. As a mom, I want to hold my babies with a tightly clenched fist, but God has shown me that I must hold them with an open hand…and ultimately, they are resting in His.
Tyler was never far from thought. During the months he was deployed, we and so many others, prayed for him continually. Our family experienced prayer support like never before from our church, extended family and from other military families who know and understand deployments. Tyler said on more than one occasion, that he sensed the prayers of others back home. He had close calls, some near misses; while I don’t like to think of those times, they are a harsh reality of war. The hardest thing for me now, is knowing the pain some of my friends are experiencing still today. They did not see their sons step back off the bus at the end of May, instead – their sons gave the ultimate sacrifice.
While none of us understand the mind of God, we have no choice but to trust in Him and in His plan for all of us. I know firsthand that two of the young men who gave their lives, had had an incredible, immeasurable impact on not just their families, but on the eternal lives of other service men, countless friends, and acquaintances. It’s impossible for me to know the pain these parents feel, but I strongly suspect they view the years that their sons were on this Earth as an incredible gift. If they aren’t at that point yet, I pray they’ll get there. These families will remain in my thoughts and prayers, now and forever.
In my humble opinion, “Letting go of our children” goes against our natural instinct. From the beginning, these precious little ones rely on us for protection, nurture and love. It’s why that when we hear words like “driver’s license” or “deployment” – we realize that we’ve been deceived into thinking we have some sort of control. We come face to face with our inability to protect them and our need to depend on God. If we don’t chose to trust in Him, we will likely drive ourselves and everyone around us crazy! In the meantime, fretting will not help our children to navigate what’s “beyond the bend” – be that Johnson Ferry Road or Southern Afghanistan.
As our family prepares for future deployments, we will choose to trust and to rest in the One who knows all things, and sees all things. We cannot take matters into our own hands – even if we tried. We never know in advance the difficulty that exists just beyond the bend. However, through reflection on prior difficult seasons, we can see that God is faithful. We must remember those times of trial and more importantly remember the way He met us in our most critical needs. When trials come - we must trust.
Not a burden we bear,
not a sorrow we share,
but our toil he doth richly repay;
not a grief or a loss,
not a frown or a cross,
but is blest if we trust and obey.
trust and obey, for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus...but to trust and obey.
Homecoming - May 2010
All of my favorite people in this one photo!
This post is dedicated to my friends who have begun to navigate the rough waters of “Blended Bliss.” When making the decision myself, I was completely naïve. "This would be a piece of cake, WRONG!!!" Being the Mom of a full-time, blended family has been a long, arduous journey; but, as with anything painstakingly difficult, the journey has ultimately led to phenomenal blessings and reward.
A couple of you are intimately familiar with the horrific details of our early years on this journey. Before we even officially embarked – we were taunted with threats, harassment, stalking and worst of all, my children’s hearts and minds were compromised by vicious, manipulative maneuvers.
If you are just beginning this adventure, rest assured that most people don’t deal with as much lunacy as we have faced. Actually, ours is the most outlandish of examples, all thanks to a woman who has long remained infantile and completely, self-absorbed. The only instances that have seemed more treacherous than our own have been made into Lifetime movies!
So, you’re receiving encouragement from a Mom who has been the target of much ex-inflicted taunting. For instance:
• Numerous threatening and harassing calls, texts and in the early days – infinite “911” pages to our beepers
• Repeated, empty threats of bodily harm and/or suicide
• Once, as she returned the children home following a visit, she hurled a loaf of banana bread at my face (not many people can claim that one.) Granted, we were all thankful she wasn’t carrying a brick at the time of that rant. The kids witnessed the entire mess, so there was no hiding what had just occurred, and I was the one left to soothe their anxieties. To lighten the mood in the minutes that followed – she was dubbed “Banana Bread Woman.”
• BBW exhibited several SWF behaviors: moving into my apartment complex as I moved out; going to work in the same industry I’d been in for years, etc. Once, a friend called me , after seeing her at my child’s school – encouraging me to “watch out” because now she’d dyed her hair to match mine. On several occasions, she told my children, husband – and even me, that since everyone “liked ME so much” – that she was going to become just like me. "They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery" ....but this was all just too creepy.
• One morning, our home phone rang around 6am…the familiar voice on the other end of the line eerily said, “The bed’s comfortable…isn’t it?” My guess is she didn’t realize we’d moved my bed into the house when we married. Still, creepy.
• During the early years when she would often exercise the “every other weekend” visitation – the pickups and drop-offs were almost always fraught with drama. We had to call the police on more than one occasion. There was also a time that after dropping the kids off at home, and leaving - she returned, and walked right into our home. (By the way, this was our second home - she had never lived there; not that having done so would have given her the right to enter - but still, evidence of extreme hatred and audacity.) After we all found her in our den, she proceeded to deliver a speech that concluded with the statement “I do not approve of your Brady Bunch lifestyle!”
• Here’s one that will never leave my recollection. One afternoon, our phone rang…my “hello” was greeted with “Yes, this is --------, the producer of the Montel Williams Show. We would like to fly you and your husband out and bring you to our studio. As I was trying to discern the voice, assuming this had to be a prank – she continued…. “---“ has contacted us and would like you all to be on an upcoming show talking about dysfunctional stepfamilies. The producer asked me to talk to my husband and to get back with her. There was never any “thought” necessary…but a return call to the number provided was verification. This hadn’t been a prank but yet another outlandish act and quest for attention. (It wouldn’t have surprised me at all to pick up the phone again and hear, “This is the Jerry Springer show…”)
• Well, as my children graduated from high school – I thought this chapter of drama was complete. But…NO, in the last 15 months – I’ve been slandered in print – thanks to an article in our local newspaper regarding my son’s deployment and being away from home over Christmas. Given that she lived in another state, no one is sure how she even found out about the article, but it pushed her over the edge. Her posse was actively bashing me on the newspapers’ website and accusations and threats were again flying over Social media. My children discovered these rants – not me. A few months after the newspaper article ran, my son married his beautiful bride. At the wedding, the ex and her entourage proceeded to mark through my name on wedding bulletins, replacing it with her own. (All the while making no shortage of grunts and facial expressions…. I’m surprised they didn’t bring Montel with them!) The beautiful afternoon also included a very unkind tongue lashing from BBW’s mother. It seems that my mere presence is simply a reminder of the selfish choices made by her daughter – which ultimately led to me being “mom” to the children she birthed. Apparently, it’s easier to lash out at the innocent, than to hold the responsible parties accountable.)
Many times I thought to myself, this was more than I bargained for. “This is too hard, this is not right, not fair, too painful – I can’t handle ANY more.” It seemed I was a walking target (not just for banana bread.) Being the mom of a blended family is something no one can understand without firsthand experience. The best advice for someone going through the challenges associated with blended families – great or small is to find someone who has walked the journey before you. That person can listen, empathize, encourage and carry you through with prayer…and laughter.
The listing above, while not comprehensive, is an indicator of emotional intellect and maturity I've long dealt with. While almost all of these situations led to tears of pain and frustration, in retrospect, many of these events now elicit laughter. (Never underestimate the healing power of humor!)
Speaking of healing power – God’s handprints are all over the tapestry of our lives. When the Sea of “Blended Bliss” became too much to bear, it was He who calmed the waters, and soothed the pain. Another blessing from God has been our incredible church family – supporting each of us with love and lots of prayer over the years.
Being a blended family is hard – without added complications. New siblings are added, the “birth order” is mingled and blurred, logistics change, and the emotional climate of the home becomes different. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles have no experience in this family dynamic - mistakes are made, feelings are hurt. (Most often – it was my feelings.) That was one advantage to having small children at the onset of the blended journey – they were most often unaware of the mistakes and unintended hurts. As they grew up, they were able to see for themselves any remaining prejudices.
For my friends in the “thick of it” and for the ones who are considering the possibility – be encouraged; for the comedy of horrors we’ve endured is far worse than what most will encounter. The good news? In spite of the attacks, the ploys, manipulation and the stress - my love for my children is deep. They're all grown and thriving, happy, healthy, mentally stable and committed to their own families. I'm fortunate to have a wonderful healthy relationship with my cherubs – and maybe a positive outcome of facing the difficulties together is a greater appreciation and love of each other. In many ways, we are closer than ever today – bonded more tightly than many “traditional families.” We are blessed beyond comprehension. We persevered!
At the risk of causing a few of my friends/family to gasp and roll their eyes, I will first admit that my ipod contains music of ALL kinds, practically every genre. Artists in my current playlist range from Amy Grant, Stephen Curtis Chapman, Vince Gill, Barry White, The Doors, Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga, Prince, Cher, Elvis, to Sandi Patti. I have Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and Patsy Cline too. This does not mean I endorse, emulate, or propagate any of their ideals – their music is simply pleasing to my ears…and my feet!
In the last few weeks, several articles and blog posts ascribing judgment on Lady Gaga have crossed my sight. It’s interesting to me that she is the target of so much animosity. Is she eccentric? Sure. Are some of her lyrics questionable? Absolutely. Would I want my daughters to dress like her? NO WAY!Let's face it though, if we were to listen only to music by perfect vocalists; read books written by infallible authors, and watch movies with virginal content – written, produced and performed by flawless people who have never gone through a “rough season”, made poor decisions, etc. – we’d be listening, reading and watching nothing. I wouldn’t even be able to listen to my own singing in the shower and certainly would not read my ramblings!
You know the old adage: “Don’t say something about someone unless you’ve got something nice to say.” Well, I believe that many of us could learn a lesson from Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, aka “Lady Gaga” (Lady Gaga is definitely easier to say/write!) So, here’s a positive perspective on a current, controversial figure in pop culture.
First , she is consistent. She hasn’t backed down due to rampant criticism or vicious attacks by various organizations and groups. When spectators and paparazzi show up on the Red Carpet – they can be assured a grandiose entrance, outrageous couture, an eccentric identity, boldly on display. Gaga has remained true to her identity, with steadfast resolve. It would be great if Christians could do the same, instead we find it easier to point out flaws in the character of others. Sometimes, it’s to take the attention off of our own sinful inadequacies.
Some of the same people who apply harsh judgment to Gaga (and others) are the same ones who will proclaim Christ in one breath – and then commit one of a multitude of sins in the next: drink to excess, adultery, slander, etc. Basically, at times, our behavior begs onlookers to scratch their chins in contemplation…”are they, or are they not – who they say they are?”
Sometimes, we are chameleons – changing our “colors” to blend in with the group we find ourselves commingling with. Authenticity, regardless of persecution, criticism, isolation, raised eyebrows, etc. is what I desire for myself, and my friends and family. Here’s an example: If you come to my house, you will be offered a glass of wine with dinner – regardless of where I know you from. It’s who we are at my house, and it’s just how we roll. If you don’t want to partake, no biggie – just a simple, polite, “no thank you” will do. (Changing colors so often must make one really weary!)
Secondly, Gaga’s determined to stick out. She’s creative and very outrageous. What about us as believers? Are we truly light in a dark world? Do we stick out among our friends who have not come to know the Lord? Do they see something “different” about us that they find attractive… wanting to better understand what we believe – and hopefully, desiring the gift of salvation for themselves? Have we figured out creative ways to share God’s love with others? Is our identity as a Christ follower evident in all that we say and do?
Most of us don’t walk the red carpet. We do go to the grocery store, post office, gym, etc. Would the friends we encounter at those places know, beyond a shadow of doubt that our Christian identity will be BOLDLY on display? Will they see fruit of the Spirit, in us? (No feathers or oversized eggs required!)
Are you, like me, a fan of any of the artists listed at the beginning of this post? A quick google search will reveal that most – but not all, have been arrested, involved in extramarital affairs, partaken illegal drugs, etc. (Interestingly, I’ve heard very little about those situations.)
So, Lady Gaga isn’t a perfect person….neither am I. She may have an amazing testimony one day – and I hope she’ll have everyone’s attention when she shares it.
T
*Note: A recent Barna study revealed that 37% of teenagers name (non-parental) relatives as the most influential role models in their lives. (11% indicated teachers and coaches; 9% - their friends; and pastors/religious leaders came in at 6%). The study purposefully, omitted “parents” as it was suspected most teens would have selected this response. These answers are reflective of influential persons in the lives of teens, outside of parental influences.
Perhaps, we should leverage the influence we have with our older children. Instead of completely “boycotting” certain music, movies, tv shows, etc., it seems logical to me that we could spend time with our teens, and consider some of today’s media influences “teachable moments”.
My dear husband and I often encouraged our three teens to consider long-term outcomes when making "immediate" decisions. As they entertained "post high school" options, we coached each of them with even more fervor. We reminded them that choices at that particular stage of life would drastically affect the remainder of their adult lives, as well as the lives of future spouses and children. While the “teen years” are indeed a critical stage of decision-making, all subsequent decisions have the potential to radically influence our remaining years.
I’ll explain:
During our short engagement, Bill and I agreed that as soon as feasible, we'd get plugged in to a local church. When we married, we had custody of the three small children between us. Within a few months of marrying, we moved to a neighborhood in a top school district and with enough bedrooms that our little girls no longer had to share living space.
It took no time at all to bond with a couple of the ladies in our new neighborhood. We were all "stay at home Moms" and often spent time together while the kids were in school. We'd even gather in the evenings while the neighborhood children gathered to play "flashlight tag" or "four square" in the street. It was really a wonderful place to raise a family.
My neighbor, "Cindy" and I walked many evenings. We’d chat about anything from marriage and children to books and beanie babies. One particular evening, she mentioned an invitation to attend a weekly "women's event" at a nearby church. Cindy shared what she knew about "Tuesday mornings" – they included various speakers, crafts, teaching, encouragement in the areas of motherhood/marriage, etc. Specifically, the upcoming speaker was scheduled to demonstrate "How to pack for a trip". My sweet friend wanted to go - and she asked me to join her. True confession: my immediate thoughts did not run to the prospect of great Bible teaching, nor encouragement in my roles as a mom and wife. Instead - I was EXCITED about learning how to better pack my travelpro roller board! (Priorities - right?)
Tuesday morning, we showed up at Fellowship and were greeted by a plethora of women...and fabulous baked goods too. We worshipped, participated in table discussion, and learned Biblical principles for living. As promised, we learned packing tips. Did you know that “rolling up your clothes like a tootsie roll, allows you to fit more in the suitcase and resists wrinkling??? It was a FABULOUS 2 1/2 hours! We couldn't wait for the following week - and the next, and the next. Cindy and I continued to go together for awhile, and at some point, I started going alone.
As God pre-ordained, I quickly became attached to a table of women who were Proverbs 31 "Powerhouses". As the youngest of these 8-10 women, both chronologically and spiritually, I quickly grew to love them and desperately desired to learn from them. Having been a Christian for several years, with no real discipleship, I was still very much a baby. It's no accident that my seat was among these very wise women: Dee, Annette, Emily, Judy, Julie, Karen T and Ronna. As I sit here many years later, there's no doubt that these wonderful women had no idea of how much they blessed, encouraged and inspired me to grow in my own walk with the Lord. (Now, I consider those special ladies - along with Suzanne, Gwen, Carol and Karen L to be some of the "Elizabeths" in my life.)
Meanwhile, because I enjoyed the worship and teaching on Tuesday mornings so much - my husband agreed to give FBC a try. (We were "looking" for a home church, so why not?) The five of us went to church one Sunday morning, early in 96 - and from that day on, FBC has been our "home." After our family settled into FBC for awhile, I noticed an available part time position in the church office. The hours were a great fit, still allowing me to be home before and after the kids were at school. After a couple of nerve-wracking interviews, I was offered the position. (That whole process was faith building in itself!) The staff became "family" - and my circle of mentors and close friends expanded greatly.
Over the last sixteen years, all three of my children have come into a saving relationship with Jesus; We have all come to know Him more intimately, while experiencing true, authentic community; We've had the incredible privilege of blessing others by praying for and serving them; Many of our closest friends are from church, and most of those that aren't, have visited church with us; Our kids have been plugged in to community groups through volatile seasons of their lives, which provided another level of support, beyond parental; We have tearfully hugged our daughters as they left on numerous Mission Trips and we've tearfully hugged them upon their return; When holidays are celebrated and milestones reached, we look around and see the faces of Fellowship in our kitchen and living room - celebrating with us; When we've dealt with challenges, it's often the faces of Fellowship who are here again, praying for and encouraging us.
In 2005, I was offered the opportunity to support our incoming Senior Pastor. It wasn't something I necessarily "pursued" – but, in retrospect, it's further evidence of the Divine Hand of God, orchestrating the details of life....and blessing the obedient choices. (Sometimes, I wonder what blessings have been missed because of failure to obey.) My role is still that of supporting Dr. Loritts. Through his expository preaching and through the Godly example he and his wonderful wife have been - my family has been profoundly blessed. My love of God's Word, and my own relationship with Jesus, has grown exponentially. A few months ago, I wrestled with the thought of leaving this position at FBC, for reasons most likely influenced by the Enemy. However, God has made it PERFECTLY clear that my calling at this point in life is to remain. He’s kept me here for many years – and apparently, He’s got more in store.
It’s poetic in a sense…. My body first darkened the door of FBC because of a silly desire to more efficiently pack a suitcase – instead, I am still learning how to “pack” for the lifelong journey. While I’ve not mastered the packing (or anything), there has been recognizable progress as evidenced by a recent discussion. Someone who knew me well before now, made a comment to a mutual friend, stating that “I’ve not always been so Holy acting.” Upon hearing this, my knee-jerk response was “how could he be so unkind???” Almost immediately, the Holy Spirit helped me realize that this person from my past, while being caddy, unintentionally affirmed God’s work in my life. I then responded to our mutual friend, “he’s right – I am a completely different person now.”
Quite honestly, I’ve never been more excited about what comes next - another opportunity to marvel at His workmanship, His attention to detail, His protection and love…and even His refining. My heart’s desire, more than ever, is to share with others – to encourage and serve those who have yet to know such Amazing Love. It’s time for me to be an “Elizabeth” to young, clueless girls – kind of like me on that first Tuesday. Perhaps I’ll host a “how to pack” event.
*Note: In addition to the many FBC women named, are so many others who have loved me dearly, who have laughed and cried with me – and hugged me and stood by me. I’m forever grateful for all of you.
*Cindy, you probably didn’t realize how much that invitation, seemingly inconsequential, would impact my walk with Christ and the growth of my family. I will be forever grateful that you asked me to join you. (If we ever remember the name of the lady who invited you, I would love to encourage her to keep extending invitations.)
*As an encouragement, seeds planted may grow – even if we don’t get to see the resulting flower.
