"O'Christmas Tree, O'Christmas Tree - a strange and beautiful reminder art Thee!"



A Reminder of Christmas in DC last year    
 with my 6'3' "baby boy"

I cry easily – as I told a friend last week, “it’s a curse.”  Full of grace, she insisted that I’ve been blessed with “rich emotions.”  Unpacking Christmas decorations last week brought on             waterworks aka “rich emotions” in a tremendous way.  On more than one occasion, it was audible, ugly sobbing.  Memories of Christmases past (good and bad) flooded my mind.  Recollections of family members long gone, and the knowledge that this Christmas is going to be very different than any other, sunk in deeply. Furthermore, with my baby girl getting married next fall, there is yet another layer of sentimentality surrounding this Christmas.

I decorate multiple trees  – a different theme on each.  The tree in the sunroom is the least appealing aesthetically, with its eclectic array of mismatched ornaments.  However, in ways that truly matter, its beauty far exceeds the others and reaches down into my “rich emotions” in ways that surprise even me. 

Following are a few observations about this particular Christmas tree (and correlating reminders to this crazy thing called “life.”)

San Fran - 2009 -
Thanksgiving with the Zs!

I’m sitting in the sunroom, feet propped on a wicker table, laptop and iced tea in reach.  As I study the subject of this post – I notice several “souvenirs.”  From here I can easily see a Hawaiian Santa from Maui, a Golden Gate Bridge medallion from Thanksgiving in San Fran a few years ago, a lobster ornament from Boston, a handmade bauble from Germany, a number of White House ornaments from Christmas in DC,  one from Israel and I know there’s an Eiffel Tower from Paris barely out of view, maybe next to the “Blue Suede Shoes” from Nashville. These and others are sweet reminders of moments and places I’ve enjoyed – blessings in the midst of the greater drama-filled adventure.  For too long, I used to feel strangely guilty if I enjoyed something.  That’s clearly distorted thinking and thankfully, I’m over it.  Life is fleeting – so no matter what troubles abound, I try to maintain an attitude of contentment, gratitude and enjoyment.  Visible reminders help. 




Handmade  with a special message
 from a longtime cherished friend, Kathryn.

A gift from Rach's small group leader -
 a sweetheart & servant spirit!

There are items from 
friends who accompanied me along the journey for a season – some longer than others.  What a gift it is to think back to people I’ve known over the years.  So many of them invested in me – and in my family.  Some made the journey more enjoyable, more colorful, more interesting and rich. 

 The ornaments  coming to mind now, are reminders of treasured friends.  I’ve such an appreciation for “real people” (not the pretentious ones who appear perfect on Facebook; nor those who adopt a victim mentality laced with an attitude of entitlement; and especially not those given to lofty, self-righteousness, acting as judge and jury.)  We are all messed-up … I have a special fondness for the ones who aren't compelled to pretend otherwise.

a gift from Karen L.

LOVE THIS: Britt's popsicle cross with
"JESOS" loves me... so precious a reality,
and so precious a misspelled word.

 Speaking of imperfections:  Upon close examination of a few trinkets hanging on the tree, fractures and flaws would be visible.  Over the years, several have fallen, or dropped.  In some cases, they were pieced back together with glue.  Others are carefully propped between neighboring branches or ornaments.  They are flawed, but as much a part of the tree as the ornaments without defects. Like the imperfect people we all are, they’re still of value – in fact, they have an interesting history and even add a bit of character and interest to the outcome.  I love that as flawed people, God still adores us…He uses us, and He accomplishes great things in and through our lives – in spite of “us.”   

 

another sweet reminder of
Rachael's youth...

A handful of ornaments adorn the boughs of this 12’ tree – that I wouldn’t necessarily “choose”, but they are mine to keep.  Some were given to me, though for various reasons, I’d never select them.  There are also ornaments tucked inconspicuously throughout – that are “mine” but wouldn’t be had I exercised better discernment.  They are a consequence to a momentary lapse of judgment.  (An ebay purchase of “vintage ornaments” gone wrong.)  Similarly, in life, we are dealt challenges we’d never choose to navigate.  Often, unexpected beauty results from those.  Also, as with a foolish ebay purchase, when we act without discernment – the consequences are ours to bear… but they are with us. Sometimes, in retrospect, you realize the consequences were a gift – not an easy gift to unwrap, but valuable in the long run.

 

Love this Hallmark ornament
from the year Britt was born.
(the chain is broken - so it's
propped and not discarded!).

Amid the hodgepodge, are several of my favorite, very cherished ornaments, “First Christmas Together”, “Baby’s First Christmas”,  “First Year in our New Home”, etc.  These ornaments celebrated and marked new beginnings over the last two decades.   New beginnings, in most cases, are exciting and full of hope and promise – even if the “unknown” appears overwhelming.  Sometimes, a necessary course correction takes you on a completely different and unexpected route where the questions and uncertainties far surpass the numbing comfort of the mundane.   Historically, after traversing a new path, seldom would I have turned back if the option were even available.  Every new beginning is an end to something else.  Scary.  Exciting. Unknown. Life is truly an adventure of epic proportion.



 A cornucopia of sports themed ornaments hangs from the branches.  Several baseball ornaments remind me of the years of sitting on bleachers, perpetual “team mom” duties, and the very best friends! (Friendships that would far outlast Tyler’s baseball career.)  We have soccer and tennis ornaments – bringing to mind lots of time in the car together as we’d drive from one part of metro Atlanta to the next, carefully navigating game and practice schedules much like an air traffic controller (me with absolutely no sense of direction, but always singing at the top of my lungs – with great little backup singers.)

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Without question, my very favorite ornaments are the ones made by the tiny hands of Rachael, Tyler and Britt. The assorted snowmen, angels, crosses, reindeer, etc. remind me of a season of life I enjoyed immensely.  It was several years of sweet innocence, slurred “Rs”, hugs and homework, one on one time with each, bedtime stories, words like “mazageen” and the phrase “I lushz you mommy.”   It was a season of first day of school cupcakes, baking cookies, trips to the park, to the pool, to the pediatrician’s office.  It was a season of chore lists, beanie babies, swimming lessons, tamagotchis, ballet, target classes, Anastasia, Gertrude, sports, coloring, nightmares, losing teeth, firsts of all kinds -  x3.   It was the only time of life I could get by with buying matching outfits for my babies at Easter and Christmas.  It was a time in which so many prayers were answered.  I loved being a mom to little ones. It was my favorite role – ever! I’m forever grateful for those memories… 

 
 
There are other ornaments not represented in this post, but the gist is this.  It takes many decorations to complete the sunroom tree.  In this case: broken, beautiful, ugly, fun, sentimental, undesirable, and some reminiscent of great blessings.  There are bittersweet reminders of friends and family no longer around.  Many are fragile; some are falling apart after many years of wear and tear (where DOES the gold macaroni go in the off season?)  Some ornaments are quirky, others are classic and will never go out of style.  Several are as unique and wonderfully rare as the many beautiful and broken friends that gave them to me over the years. 

Look closely, between Priscilla the Pig & Snoopy the
Red Baron, you'll see Bella the Calico  (always near.)

The sunroom ornaments individually wouldn’t be spectacular to most.  However, when they are all hanging on their respective branches from mid-November until December 26^th, together they make a beautiful visual.  Even more spectacular is at the end of the day, when night comes and darkness is all around, at the appointed time – the lights come on.  Fractured, propped, unattractive ornaments are still there, but they are eclipsed by the light that illuminates the tree from floor to ceiling.

Similarly, the light of Christ shines, washing out flaws and inadequacies.  The “mess” is still there, but the Light of Christ shines so much greater, diminishing our flaws and making us more beautiful to a watching world.  The Light of Christ brings  order to chaos, beauty from ashes, hope to the hopeless, and makes a mess into a masterpiece at the appointed time. 

 


I heard a line in sermon a few months ago that has stayed with me:  "our lives are a record of God’s repeated provision."  As I wrap this post up, I can tell you that as silly as it may seem, the tree 4 feet away is much the same to me right now.

 But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that you should show forth the praises of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light

(1 Peter 2:9)

Taking Hope to all the Dry & Weary Souls...

 Dear Family and Friends,

Today marks the 6^th day of my “processing” a Pilgrimage through the Holy Land.  While moving past jet lag, I’ve spent considerable time reflecting on what it meant to walk in the same places that Jesus once walked, and to lay eyes on the very places He once looked upon during his 33 years of life on Earth.  To say the journey was profoundly impactful is a gross understatement.

Repeatedly, I heard from others who had visited the Holy Land, that after returning to the states, scripture would come alive like never before.  Those sojourners were so right.  The experience has added another dimension to my study of God’s Word – one of literal sight, with colors, sounds and sensations punctuating each passage in my mind.  What didn’t occur to me until yesterday’s 11 o’clock service is that praise and worship songs are even more meaningful than before.  As we sang the familiar song, “Alive” – I couldn’t get through the chorus without getting choked up, tears of praise flowing down my cheeks. 




Marge and me - standing in front of the Garden Tomb
(Completely unlike the depictions in art galleries)


  "It may get loud - The grave is empty now - It may get wild - His love is like no other!

I saw it with my own 2 eyes. I walked inside the actual tomb! The grave IS empty! I knew it before, but I now know it differently.

Speaking of “getting wild” - in recent months, God has left me with no doubt that I’m to go and make Him known in Germany and in Trinidad – both are return visits. I went to Trinidad the summer of 2012 – the first of many “way out of my comfort zone” experiences He called me to in the last 24 months.  My second international mission trip was last July – street evangelism in Cologne, Germany. 

While not overseas, since initiation last spring into Prison ministry, I’ve served in 8 different correctional facilities.  The Lord has opened my eyes through the men and women I’ve encountered behind bars, and in foreign lands.  We aren’t that different –somehow this came as a shock. We all have seasons in the desert… we are all fallen people with assorted flesh-driven desires… we all need hope and healing from something…We all need a Savior.

In the fall, I had the privilege of joining several other ladies who authored “Standing Up in a Fallen World” – a study on the lives of Elijah and Elisha.  Contributing written material for the study was easy to say “yes” to, but I also accepted the opportunity to teach one of the 12 weeks.  Much of this study seemed to center on Spiritual Warfare – not an accident, but something I’ve become intimately familiar with.

There was a moment while on the tour bus last week, entering the area of the Dead Sea, when our Guide said “You are in the desert.”  The seemingly innocuous statement pierced my heart and as often happens, tears filled the corners of my eyes as I tried to “keep it together.”  I said to God in the quiet of my heart, “these people around me have no idea…I’ve been in the desert far too long. I'm ready to be OUT of the desert!”  

The 7 Staff Members on Last Week's Pilgrimage
(incidentally, 6 of the people I most treasure on Earth!)

Fast forward a few days later – back in Atlanta, a new and dear friend said something to me about the way God has been keeping my mind on Holy things … and with 2 imminent mission trips, He’s going to keep my focus on Him and His healing power as I prepare to share with others. Another friend the same day (unaware of my "stuff") spoke words of unknowing encouragement when she pointed out that God sometimes brings us to the desert to get us alone, to show us things we need to know, alert us to great things He has for us and to simply draw us nearer to Him…she pointed out that the desert is actually a great place to be.
Ultimately, last week’s journey through the Holy Land was supernatural refreshment, giving me an increased passion for Christ and for those in need of Him.  There were moments I was reminded of my own human frailty and seriously flawed way of thinking.  I was humbled that a wretch like me could trace the historical steps of our savior in person.  Oh, how critical it is to continually press in to the Lord! My prayer for personal revival and for healing was answered. Now it’s time for me to take joy, take heart and take hope to other dry and weary souls.

On June 11, I’ll board a flight for Germany along with 6 other FBCers for the purpose of bringing the gospel to the people of Cologne.  Last year, we encountered “difficult soil” but seeds were sown.  In some circumstances, hearts were pricked and lives forever changed…but there is so much still to be done in a city with a population of over 1 million and less than 1% professing Christians. 

3 weeks after returning from Cologne, I’ll board a flight for Trinidad along with 5 other ladies from FBC.  We will minister to local women through a weekend conference.  Our team will be responsible for every aspect of the event.  Personally, I’ve been asked to teach one of the sessions centered on “Hope in Trying Times.”   When the conference theme fell on my ears, I knew again that this is no accident.  “Hope in Trying Times” is a prominent, recurring theme of this Pilgrim's journey.

With 2 fast approaching mission trips, I am trusting God to provide through friends and family the necessary financial and prayer support.  Both trips amount to $4K (air fare, lodging, and ministry supplies)  and I have a goal of raising all funds prior to June 7^th.  Any financial contributions will be a blessing and are tax deductible.   If you feel led to contribute, you may give online through Fellowship’s Paypal account now, indicating "Holley/Missions" as the donation purpose. 

 The Paypal "button" is about mid-page at the following link:     http://fellowshiproswell.org/about/generosity/online-giving/

 If you prefer to mail a check, make it payable to FBC and attach a note indicating: “Missions-Holley”

Fellowship Bible Church/Tawnda Holley

480 W. Crossville Road

Roswell, GA 30075

Robin, Kathy and Me... 3 of the 7 Tuesday Night Saints
(by the Sea of Galilee)

Please indicate in a comment or via email to t@fellowshiproswell.org  your interest in joining my prayer support team.  You’ll receive team updates leading up to departure as well as any updates possible while “on the ground.”  The enemy is never happy when the hope of Christ is shared with others… opposition is expected, but our God is greater and He hears the prayers of our intercessors!

Thank you so much for your consideration and your prayers as I, along with my teammates prepare for these God-sized adventures. Upon returning, I look forward to sharing all that our
great God does in and through our teams in Cologne and Trinidad.

Many Blessings,
Tawnda
Psalm 84:5-6

The Butterfly Effect

The Caterpillar: The single focus of the caterpillar is simply eating. As this tiny creature consumes available nutrition, it grows like crazy - simultaneously storing valuable nourishment for later use.   After the exponential growth of the caterpillar is complete, it becomes a Chrysalis (lesser appealing is the alternate label: “pupa”.)  This stage of development varies with species and can last a few weeks to a few years. Onlookers may think nothing extraordinary is taking place within the silk wrapped cocoon – yet on the inside there is an amazing transformation underway.  The Chrysalis is becoming a beautiful masterpiece –  a butterfly….

2013 was hard. It was unexpectedly, one of the most difficult of my years thus far; not because of a single catastrophic event, but a myriad of hardships. If given the “fantasy” opportunity of skipping an entire year, my initial inclination would be to move straight from 2012 to 2014. 

Health concerns came and went. The threat of corporate layoffs loomed like unrelenting fog right outside the window – almost touchable.  The most difficult shockwaves involved relationships – and not just one or two. Friends held dear became judge and jury.  It was a year of betrayals, deceit, and pervasive manipulation. Adult children continued to keep me on the brink of obsessive worry.  New emotional wounds were inflicted and former ones ripped open like flesh torn violently in battle.  2013 was plagued with a whole host of personal trials too private and too painful to spell out on a blog.  If the year were personified, she’d be called nothing less than a ruthless Bitch.

Akin to the Chrysalis, most had no idea of what was taking place in my “cocoon.”  Sure, a handful of trusted confidantes knew the difficulties faced.  Fewer still were aware of the gory details. Tremendous emotional and spiritual wrestling were underway.  In the midst of it all, one can easily lose sight of the end goal...and in the process miss the blessings in the pain. 

2013 brought abundant cause for thanksgiving. 

 highlights:

• My son’s continued success and recognition for his leadership and achievement in the USMC.

• My baby girl’s baptism…and her longtime goal of becoming a nurse much closer to reality. 

• Unexpected encounters with God over 4 different days of sharing the gospel with women and men in prison.  (These days were life changing on many levels and involve too many stories for one post, but I’ll never forget the faces, the stories, and the undeniable God moments)
• The opportunity to contribute written material to a women’s Bible Study (fittingly, much about spiritual warfare)
• Obedience:  after running from God for too long. With an unnatural fear of public speaking, I found myself onstage, twice in one day – teaching.  No longer will fear cripple me.  That was liberating (and yes, still frightening, just not paralyzing!)
• At the end of 2013, I was able to hold Camden, the newest addition to our family… what an amazing gift to cradle a new life in one’s arms.
• A “chance” encounter in a park in Cologne, Germany with “Michael” – a heroin addict covered in bloody lesions…. And like “the year 2013” – at first glance, I wanted to turn away and run.  However, with a second look through  refocused eyes – my heart softened.   His was another precious life that  intersected mine for a divine purpose.  (Praying I’ll see him again when I return in June.)
• While a few friendships dimmed, several rose to the top and now shine more brightly than before… I am truly blessed:  to be part of a staff family that I love greatly; to be the junior member of the “Tuesday night Saints” – a group of Godly, wise and hilarious women whom I trust implicitly; to have longtime friendships tested and strengthened through the stuff of life, through prison ministry, and through overseas mission trips. 
• Counting the blessings, I cannot overlook a newly heightened appreciation of laughter and fun.  In spite of last year being tough at times, I honestly believe I laughed more than in any other year. 

Being a total movie buff, I'm especially drawn to films that evoke a wide range of emotion within two short hours.  2013, evoked every emotion easily imagined – varying from the lowest, lingering, exhaustive lows – to the most incredible, mountaintop highs.  God showed off in a big way… He carried me through.  His presence was more apparent and more of a comfort and source of otherwise unexplainable peace than ever before. 
He continues to author this journey and I’ve got the best seat in the House. 2014 is already looking like a great sequel…full of love and heartbreak, delight and sadness, excitement and dread, laughter and tears, confusion and clarity, battle of the will, battle of the flesh, comedy and drama.  It's action packed!

Looking back at 2013 with renewed perspective, the gifts far eclipsed the losses. For now, I’m content where I am – dancing through the storms of life and wrestling my way out of the cocoon.

t.

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.  ~Author Unknown