"Dear Blake"

It's hard to comprehend that a year has passed since you came into this world and simultaneously, entered our hearts and home. 

I must confess, having known your "mother" her entire life, there was an expectation that you would have either a horn or a third eye protruding from your forehead...but instead, you were one of the absolute most beautiful babies I've ever seen.  You also came into this world with a sweet, sweet disposition. 

While the months that you were an integral part of our lives were only a few - you left a lasting impression on our hearts.  Few days go by that someone doesn't ask about you....fewer days go by that you don't cross my mind. 

Thanks for bringing back the joy of 3 am feedings - I loved having someone else awake with me (ironically, it's about 3:30am right now.)  Thanks for the sweet little smiles and giggles.  It was pure joy having you with us at home and even at my office.  You were surrounded by many loving people those first few months, even spending your first Easter and Mother's Day here with us.  (We all were thinking that you and Bryce would grow to be "great friends" as well as cousins - maybe one day.)

While it's hard to understand the entire situation, a lot of good came from having you in our lives.  Some day, we'll be reacquainted and when the time is right, we can share how God did some incredible things in all of our lives through you.  In the meantime, I pray for your physical and emotional protection and for peace in the midst of what is likely chaos.  Your circumstances are not ideal, but God holds you in the palm of His hand and He loves you so!

We miss you.  We love you.  Happy 1st Birthday "Little Man".

Love,
Aunt Tawnda

Avoiding "Dogs" on the Road of Life

"Whatever you do, don't ever swerve to avoid a dog or squirrel!" This was one lesson consistently and vehemently drilled into the minds of my three teenage drivers. It stems from an accident in my teen years that nearly took my life, and left me with many scars, lingering aches and pains, and a few metal parts.

I wasn't behind the wheel of the car, but was walking 4' off the side of the road, facing the oncoming traffic, following the "pedestrian laws". But...in a moment that I still fear will return to memory, my 5' 9" frame became a projectile object, ricocheting between the hood of a car, an oversized wooden cable spool, a road sign, and ultimately coming to a hard stop, 150' from the initial impact - with the aid of a pine tree. (Now you know why I don't want to recall this experience!)



The driver, a young woman in a powder blue pinto, swerved to avoid a dog near the other side of the road. She lost control of her car, over-corrected, ran off the opposite side of the road - striking me from behind instead. Like many experiences in life, "I never saw it coming." (Thank God for that!)



This incident from the past, has returned to forefront of my mind, but with renewed perspective. I've revisited this situation from a vantage point of forgiveness. Let's face it, my "near perfect attendance at school, my 5 days/week dance classes, the "zero stitches, zero casts, zero surgeries on all medical records" quickly became a thing indicative of early childhood. Scars remain today from head to toe, an achiness/lethargy in my right arm is more apparent now than it used to be. I've recently figured out that the "full range of motion" I lack is apparent to me (maybe no one else) in seemingly gentle yoga poses. Countless plastic surgeries, multiple orthopedic surgeries, surgical scars, fertility concerns, side parts necessitated by scars on my head, back braces, heating pads, and many physical therapy sessions later...While I have forgiven the driver - the consequences of another person's "quick decision to avoid a DOG" remain and effect me daily.



Not knowing the driver, I can only imagine that if she had the opportunity for a "do over" - she wouldn't have made the same, emotional, rash decision. According to witnesses, the dog didn't give the impression of an impending jaunt into traffic...he'd likely have not ventured out in her path - yet, she perceived the threat of hitting an animal.  Surely, she wouldn't have selected the outcome that resulted.  So, another new perspective - I've wondered about the "dogs on the side of the road"  that I've avoided  ones that have led to lingering consequences.  Consequences far greater than the perceived "threat" on the side of the road. Here's a sampling of real life avoidances and the corollary outcomes - clearly, issues avoided would have been best dealt with "head on" instead of over-correcting and causing greater, sometimes lasting harm (some my own, some are from the lives of people I know):

Those things we swerve to avoid/Overcorrection result  

Rejection/People Pleasing (Always fails)

Secrets Revealed /"image management"

Being Overweight /Eating Disorders

Rejection by our children/Acting as a "Peerent"  (thanks Tim Kimmel)

Being Alone/Unhealthy Relationship

Not being "good enough"/Significance         

overcommitting/People Pleasing

Diagnosis/Postponed/cancelled medical appointments

Abusive Parenting/Permissive Parenting (not really parenting)

Accountability/Blaming others/Avoiding God

Delayed Gratification of "Wants"/Consumer  Debt

Aging/Mid-life Crisis/Compromised beliefs & values

Guilt for past actions & Experiences/Displaced Allegiance/Favoritism

Insecurity/A weird/reverse "self idolatry"

Unpopular Reputation/Image before others/"All the Above"

In retrospect, It's easy to see some of the "perceived threats" we may have emotionally decided to over-correct.  The key now, is to determine those "threats"  as we encounter them - tomorrow, next month, year, etc. and to give those areas fully to God instead of relying on our own, faulty ways.  (We are all a work in progress!!!)



"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil 1:6)

"Bricks"

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others have thrown at him." (David Brinkley)

Many bricks have been hurled in my direction. Some, hurled at warp speed, missed me altogether. Some "bricks" barely scraped the surface of my skin, and yet some resulted in injuries that were nearly life threatening in a sense. Perhaps most damaging, were those that didn't "appear" to injure, as far as anyone could see, yet left deep wounds. All these wounds left painful, obstinate scars in place of healthy tissue. The accumulation of scars manifested in feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, alienation,and desperation. The "Bricks" made it crystal clear that something, SOMEONE, was and is necessary for success of any kind, in every area of my life.

No one that I'm aware has made it through life with 100% human approval. Yet, many who've roamed the Earth have been labeled "successful". It seems genuine success may be linked to how we handle the "bricks" that have afflicted us. We all have been targeted - it's been guaranteed. The significant bricks, in my case, were abuses, ridicule, divorce, physical and emotional attacks, eating disorders, criticism, displaced anger, resentment, jealousy, etc. Interestingly, some have been boomerangs instead of bricks: the same weapon, but, coming after me multiple times.

People frequently default to the same cycles of abuse they were subjected to. Others cry "victim" and then rationalize their own destructive behaviors and choices as justifiable - usurping accountability for their own actions. (Puh-Leez! We all have a free will!)

Thankfully, some of us learn and we swear that we won't "go there". We break cycles, we break the chains of bondage.... we refuse to perpetuate affliction on our own families. There have been many wounds in my life that motivated me to go the opposite extreme. There were aspects of my upbringing and of my young adulthood, that I knew early on "my kids would never experience." Through the power of God alone, my children escaped youth without enduring some of the horrific experiences that I was dealt. Thankfully, these bricks did not scathe my three... and now I realize, if my own painful experience helped in some way, to spare my own children pain - well, I'd do it again. It's much better that these afflictions were upon me, than on the babies I have spent my adult years protecting, loving and fighting for. So be it.

Hopefully, some day, my children will look back on their upbringing, and while far from perfect - they will see a glimmer of humble, motherly success in their very fallible mom. However, more great is my desire that they realize the incredible ways in which God has worked in and through our family...how His hand has protected them, provided for them and set them up for eternal success.

I pray my "cherubs" realize their "bricks", while perhaps different than mine, and while painful at times - hold no power to harm them; but exist to bring them wisdom, and a Godly perspective on life, if handled with prayer and obedience. To me, their realization would be indicative of huge success. Their financial status, their physical address, their material possessions are irrelevant. "God, please open their eyes to the vast success that awaits them."

t

PS: Next up: avoiding dogs and squirrels...and/or "what's in a name?"

Time Flies....but I do Not

Oh that's right...I created a blog...haven't had time to come back in awhile!

Well, I'm completely envious of those who seem to "have it all together"....I'm even more so of those who "actually do."

There's about to be a reshuffling in my life.... I've got to address MARGIN in a big way! Lately, there remains far too much "task list" at the end of each day. Yet, when I review actions taken - it's hard to determine what should have been omitted. This is an area where much prayer and detailed attention is in order.

With a traveling husband, two adult children out of the nest, and a high school senior busy with her life - I would expect to have more time available for painting, drawing, reading, baking, gardening and bubble baths. All these glorious and refreshing activities would be best enjoyed in our well-organized, immaculately cleaned home. (Not so - in fact, this feels like an intensely busy, chaotic time, and too often my laundry is piled higher than what should be acceptable.)

With a deployed marine coming home from Afghanistan in the next few months, my daughter winding down her last semester in high school (prom/recognition events/AP testing/graduation/celebrations), well - it's only going to get more intense. Oh...and did I mention a wedding in our future? My son is to marry his high school Sweetheart this summer...while I excitedly look forward to the showers, luncheons, shopping, rehearsal dinner, and THE WEDDING - it makes the matter of 'BALANCE' all the more significant.

I want to enjoy these special moments and fervently desire to do everything well. It's clearly time to revisit and modify priorities and rethink and implement new time management practices. If memory serves correctly, a decade ago I managed everything with much more grace and efficiency - in spite of the younger children, carpools, PTA, and still the traveling husband. What has changed? hmmmm.

Recently, the word BUSY was defined as: Busy.Under.Satan's.Yoke. This is reminiscent of C.S. Lewis's "Screwtape Letters". An attention-getting realization!

"Okay God, it's time to roll up the sleeves, and take a hard, long look at how the resources you have given me are being stewarded. Primarily, time.

Help me to do all things to your glory, to the best of my ability, in a manner that honors You, my family and friends and my physical body too. Help me to find more time to create a warm environment in our home, to have more margin to spend with those who matter most to me (and to You), and to better care for this physical body -including more time to laugh and more time to reflect."

PS God: Remember when my life seemed to be so well organized? As you have surely noticed, it's not like that any more, and it STRESSES me. Please either help me to "relax my standards" a bit, or better yet: to quickly find my groove again and to be the mom/wife in a smoothly running home where all passports, shot records, recipes, receipts and socks can be quickly located again.