Last week, my husband, daughter and I sat at the dinner table and read through my newly discovered diary from 7th and 8th grade. While we all laughed at much of the pre-teen drama, I cringed as some of the words I penned as a 12/13 year old were read aloud by my daughter. Highlights of those painful words follow:
“All the boys like her because she is rich and has a big chest.” (Re: a classmate who had stolen the attention of the boy I had a crush on.)
“My friend ___ and I have decided to go on a diet to lose weight, be healthier, and prettier…which I need to improve all three. I think I’m the 2nd ugliest girl in the 7th grade.” (No, I don’t recall who was in first place.)
“I have a very, very bad problem. I am very, very, very ugly. I try everything but nothing works.”
“No one in the school likes me except the girls and a few boys – as friends. Part of the reason some of the girls don’t like me is that I don’t wear nice clothes…even though I want to.”
“I am 13 and flat! Something must be wrong with me.”
“I still don’t have a boyfriend and guess I never will. I am the ugliest girl in Milton.”
As the words from 30 years ago were read aloud, the horrible recollection of my “self image” came to the forefront of my mind. It’s funny – some of the words seem so out of character for the grown woman that I am today. Sadly, though, some of those same thoughts of insecurity, and unworthiness, are often just below the service and creep up when least expected.
It’s easy to see how poor self image as a young girl literally shaped many of my obsessions, preferences, and even negative thought patterns as I entered adulthood, marriage, and motherhood.
The numerous references to my weight, while also seeing photos of a very thin girl taken during that same period, illustrate where my later fascination with Ipecac syrup and laxatives originated. Always striving to be prettier, thinner, better…. (It would literally break my heart to think that either of my girls ever came close to the depths of sadness that was my world then.)
The striving was beyond appearance-related ambition. I really felt for many years – no guy would ever desire to marry or even seriously “date” me. Why would they want to associate with an unattractive girl of no value? Clearly, the “a bad relationship is better than no relationship” mindset led to a couple of regrettable relationship decisions rooted in desperation. (Phew – thank God those are behind me now!) Even still, nothing is wasted in God’s economy.
As a straight-A, gawky young girl – I did find approval among teachers. Talking in classes and bad behavior were never an issue. Besides that, teachers could count on me to accurately grade papers, run errands, etc. making me their little helper – and helping me determine (wrongly) that my worth was tied to performance. Being a “teacher’s pet” was better than being a total zero. As I entered the corporate world, I found myself always working to be the best at whatever my position was. Accordingly, promotions came easily, and recognitions and affirmations were somewhat of an addictive drug. I was an adult, but still working hard to be the “teacher’s pet.” Now I realize my tendency to be a “people pleaser” at 42 stems from these early and lasting lies from the Enemy. Boundaries have been a relentless weak spot. The word “no” has eluded my responses to others inviting me to assume tasks, assignments, volunteer opportunities, etc. This was never a conscience decision – it was simply a natural progression.
Being laid up for several weeks over the winter months allowed considerable time to reflect on life. Perhaps the reason I’ve been so sick lately, MAY just be that being “still” on my own wasn’t going to happen. My belief is that God brought me and my activity to a screeching halt so that much needed reflection and growth could take place.
As epiphanies flooded my exhausted brain – a realization came that my children served as a shield between me and the rest of the world. Every year, I assumed Room Mom responsibilities, roles on various PTA committees, perpetual duties as Team Mom for baseball, soccer, etc., being the “troop cookie mom” way too many times, brownies, girl scouts, Pioneer Clubs and hosting well-planned birthday parties! Being the “ultimate mom” became another way for me to “achieve worth” and avoid being seen for the “awkward, gangly 12 year old girl that lives inside of me.” Interestingly, as my youngest started college in September, I think in a bizarre way – I felt exposed again. No longer hiding behind my role as “the ultimate mom”, the 12 year old “me” began to re-emerge.
Currently, one of my community groups at church is studying a book by Jan Silvious, titled “Big Girls Don’t Whine.” The over-arching principle of last week’s lesson was “You are valuable just because you are you. God has plans for you just because you are you.” In God’s timing, my group was scheduled to present the lesson on Thursday morning… My childhood diary surfaced Wednesday night. It wasn’t until about an hour before Thursday’s class that God really laid it upon my heart that the words from my childhood journal illustrated so many of the points in the text. Our value is not something we earn, it’s not in how we look, dress, date, marry, mother and perform – it’s simply because we are created in the image of God. Each of us is “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Ps 139:14) I have too often lost sight of this truth and failed to fully enjoy the freedom that is ours in Christ. The Enemy knows my Achilles heel.
Thankfully, my daughters have heard the words “you’re beautiful” frequently in our home. They have also been affirmed for implementing the various talents and gifts they have been given. They learned the love of Jesus at early ages. While most girls may struggle with their self image at times, I think it’s critical for us as parents to talk to our daughters (and sons)…and to make sure they feel unconditional love from us. We need to tell them they are part of a greater plan – and NO ONE could take their place…. Our daughters are valuable because “they are they” and God has plans for their lives for that reason alone.”
In summary, the 42 year old me is a little heartbroken for the 12 year old whose words sting still today. The shy, insecure little girl is still in there somewhere. While I don’t want to obsess over “her” – I don’t want to forget “her” completely. “The 12 year old Tawnda” is still being used by God in a powerful way…reminding “Modern Day Me” of God’s faithfulness, and the promises of redemption, of bringing beauty out of ashes. Hopefully, her story will serve as an encouragement to one of my good friends as she mothers her daughter….or if she is at all like me, still battling occasionally with the 12 year old living within.
Let’s face it….we are all “big girls” with some “little girl tendencies”.
