What a Difference Nineteen Years Make...

Her car is packed, the text books have been reserved, bedding chosen and laundered, the meal plan decided - and warm clothes for the "lake effect" snow have been acquired for my Georgia-born and bred daughter.  Most of her final farewells have been bid - but the hardest one is yet to come....  AND it's all a blessing of incredible magnitude.

Almost nineteen years ago, after being home from the hospital for only a few days, I sat crying helplessly and uncontrollably at the top of the stairs in our tiny little townhouse.   As she slept in her crib, overwhelming feelings of inadequacy took over.  How was it that God would entrust a seemingly perfect being to me?  I would surely let her down, and let Him down in the process.  She deserved better - and like all babies, she sure didn't "ask" to be born to me. 

With a vast sense of responsibility for another life, coupled with the understanding that I didn't know what it would look like "to be a good mom", it was apparent that sitting there bawling my eyes out was not going to help.  So, with my unique set of inadequacies and an abundance of self-doubts, I prayed - a lot. In fact, nothing had ever led me to pray more fervently than embarking on the adventure of motherhood... and motherhood has since kept me praying -  and learning too.  There have been innumerable "a-ha" moments with all three of my children...living, breathing illustrations of my relationship with my Heavenly Father. The way He loves without fail, how He longs for me to make the right decisions, how when I've "blown it", He's there - not to rescue from all consequences, but to forgive and restore ...while I grow from the mistakes.  He doesn't want me to hurt, but hurt is inevitable...He comforts his brokenhearted child - much as a Mom.  Moments ago, I greeted my precious daughter at the door after she said goodbye to her boyfriend - tissues in hand and endless hugs, even a group hug with teary-eyed Daddy....and I even made promises of homemade chocolate chip cookies for the ride to Michigan.  (Full disclosure:  God has comforted me far greater than this - yet never have I audibly heard him promise chocolate.)

Realizing too, that our children are not really "ours"....is a hard lesson, one bathed in irony.  They come into our lives, fully dependent on us for basic, physical needs.  We are conditioned to hold on tight to them, to protect them, hold them, love on them - then years later, we are reminded that "they were never ours to begin with."  We are then coached to "release them, hold them with an open hand, launch them into the world.... that's pretty ironic.  Most of us moms love and nurture our children, and we sacrifice our own comfort, preferences and superficial "wants" in order to best provide for and protect our little ones. How some mothers (and  fathers) abuse or neglect their children remains a mystery to me.  They miss out on one of the greatest blessings we get to experience in this life!

So, tonight is the last night that my little Angel will sleep under our roof for awhile.  This is still her home - she'll just be away for intermittent periods of time - much like a field trip, or camp or one of many of the Mission trips that have led up to this moment.  William and I aren't going to consider ourselves "empty nesters" just yet. (I need to tell him that...)  She is the last of our babies who will continue to call this "home" for a few years longer.  This is where she'll return for holidays and special events, movie nights, quiet nights at home, twice a year "ice sledding" down the driveway, mother/daughter tangos in the kitchen, as well as our infinitely fabulous rendition of "Baby it's cold outside".  The joys and the special closeness we have experienced as mom and daughter far outweigh the trials we have walked through.

As William and I have raised her and our other children, I'm not oblivious to the fact that God is still working on me in the process.  (Let me add - that He MUST take delight in our duet....my singing may not appeal to all those around me, but to HIM - it's a joyful noise!) 

For reasons I'll never understand, nineteen-plus years ago, God placed this precious life in the womb of a young woman - completely unqualified  to lovingly nurture and raise her. Yet, as I look at her today, fully aware that she is not a product of my "expert parenting" - but she is evidence of God at work in our lives all this time.  Recalling that afternoon cry at the top of the stairs 19 years ago, and knowing now, the incredible, Godly young woman who no longer sleeps in a crib, but still calls me "mommy" - I know without question He has never taken His hand off of either of us.

The tears streaming down my face today are different.  They are tears of indescribable gratitude for the faithfulness of God....  for the blessing of a uniquely rich, lifelong, mom/daughter relationship - undeserved, cherished and humbling at the same time. There are tears because I already know that later this week, I will want to share a silly story, debate lyrics to a popular song, borrow a sweater or engage in a pre-recorded "jeoopardy" battle, or just simply, I'll want to hug her - but she'll not be here.  

In the coming days, there will be more tears - I know this.  HOWEVER, as I feel sadness from time to time and wonder "what comes next" .... there is complete confidence that God will be with us as we  transition...There is no doubt, we will forever enjoy a close bond, it will just look a little different - some say it even gets better.  To be honest, I'm thankful for these tears - evidence of a sweet relationship between an imperfect Mommy and her "littlest angel".   Whatever the future holds, there is a proven track record of God's faithfulness in our lives....  I hope this is a lesson that will carry on to her grandchildren's children.  The Faithfulness of God - confidence for the future.

Well,  that's it for now.... I need to go help with the final shoe selection and bake some chocolate chip cookies.

T