"Dear Blake"

It's hard to comprehend that a year has passed since you came into this world and simultaneously, entered our hearts and home. 

I must confess, having known your "mother" her entire life, there was an expectation that you would have either a horn or a third eye protruding from your forehead...but instead, you were one of the absolute most beautiful babies I've ever seen.  You also came into this world with a sweet, sweet disposition. 

While the months that you were an integral part of our lives were only a few - you left a lasting impression on our hearts.  Few days go by that someone doesn't ask about you....fewer days go by that you don't cross my mind. 

Thanks for bringing back the joy of 3 am feedings - I loved having someone else awake with me (ironically, it's about 3:30am right now.)  Thanks for the sweet little smiles and giggles.  It was pure joy having you with us at home and even at my office.  You were surrounded by many loving people those first few months, even spending your first Easter and Mother's Day here with us.  (We all were thinking that you and Bryce would grow to be "great friends" as well as cousins - maybe one day.)

While it's hard to understand the entire situation, a lot of good came from having you in our lives.  Some day, we'll be reacquainted and when the time is right, we can share how God did some incredible things in all of our lives through you.  In the meantime, I pray for your physical and emotional protection and for peace in the midst of what is likely chaos.  Your circumstances are not ideal, but God holds you in the palm of His hand and He loves you so!

We miss you.  We love you.  Happy 1st Birthday "Little Man".

Love,
Aunt Tawnda

Avoiding "Dogs" on the Road of Life

"Whatever you do, don't ever swerve to avoid a dog or squirrel!" This was one lesson consistently and vehemently drilled into the minds of my three teenage drivers. It stems from an accident in my teen years that nearly took my life, and left me with many scars, lingering aches and pains, and a few metal parts.

I wasn't behind the wheel of the car, but was walking 4' off the side of the road, facing the oncoming traffic, following the "pedestrian laws". But...in a moment that I still fear will return to memory, my 5' 9" frame became a projectile object, ricocheting between the hood of a car, an oversized wooden cable spool, a road sign, and ultimately coming to a hard stop, 150' from the initial impact - with the aid of a pine tree. (Now you know why I don't want to recall this experience!)



The driver, a young woman in a powder blue pinto, swerved to avoid a dog near the other side of the road. She lost control of her car, over-corrected, ran off the opposite side of the road - striking me from behind instead. Like many experiences in life, "I never saw it coming." (Thank God for that!)



This incident from the past, has returned to forefront of my mind, but with renewed perspective. I've revisited this situation from a vantage point of forgiveness. Let's face it, my "near perfect attendance at school, my 5 days/week dance classes, the "zero stitches, zero casts, zero surgeries on all medical records" quickly became a thing indicative of early childhood. Scars remain today from head to toe, an achiness/lethargy in my right arm is more apparent now than it used to be. I've recently figured out that the "full range of motion" I lack is apparent to me (maybe no one else) in seemingly gentle yoga poses. Countless plastic surgeries, multiple orthopedic surgeries, surgical scars, fertility concerns, side parts necessitated by scars on my head, back braces, heating pads, and many physical therapy sessions later...While I have forgiven the driver - the consequences of another person's "quick decision to avoid a DOG" remain and effect me daily.



Not knowing the driver, I can only imagine that if she had the opportunity for a "do over" - she wouldn't have made the same, emotional, rash decision. According to witnesses, the dog didn't give the impression of an impending jaunt into traffic...he'd likely have not ventured out in her path - yet, she perceived the threat of hitting an animal.  Surely, she wouldn't have selected the outcome that resulted.  So, another new perspective - I've wondered about the "dogs on the side of the road"  that I've avoided  ones that have led to lingering consequences.  Consequences far greater than the perceived "threat" on the side of the road. Here's a sampling of real life avoidances and the corollary outcomes - clearly, issues avoided would have been best dealt with "head on" instead of over-correcting and causing greater, sometimes lasting harm (some my own, some are from the lives of people I know):

Those things we swerve to avoid/Overcorrection result  

Rejection/People Pleasing (Always fails)

Secrets Revealed /"image management"

Being Overweight /Eating Disorders

Rejection by our children/Acting as a "Peerent"  (thanks Tim Kimmel)

Being Alone/Unhealthy Relationship

Not being "good enough"/Significance         

overcommitting/People Pleasing

Diagnosis/Postponed/cancelled medical appointments

Abusive Parenting/Permissive Parenting (not really parenting)

Accountability/Blaming others/Avoiding God

Delayed Gratification of "Wants"/Consumer  Debt

Aging/Mid-life Crisis/Compromised beliefs & values

Guilt for past actions & Experiences/Displaced Allegiance/Favoritism

Insecurity/A weird/reverse "self idolatry"

Unpopular Reputation/Image before others/"All the Above"

In retrospect, It's easy to see some of the "perceived threats" we may have emotionally decided to over-correct.  The key now, is to determine those "threats"  as we encounter them - tomorrow, next month, year, etc. and to give those areas fully to God instead of relying on our own, faulty ways.  (We are all a work in progress!!!)



"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil 1:6)

"Bricks"

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others have thrown at him." (David Brinkley)

Many bricks have been hurled in my direction. Some, hurled at warp speed, missed me altogether. Some "bricks" barely scraped the surface of my skin, and yet some resulted in injuries that were nearly life threatening in a sense. Perhaps most damaging, were those that didn't "appear" to injure, as far as anyone could see, yet left deep wounds. All these wounds left painful, obstinate scars in place of healthy tissue. The accumulation of scars manifested in feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, alienation,and desperation. The "Bricks" made it crystal clear that something, SOMEONE, was and is necessary for success of any kind, in every area of my life.

No one that I'm aware has made it through life with 100% human approval. Yet, many who've roamed the Earth have been labeled "successful". It seems genuine success may be linked to how we handle the "bricks" that have afflicted us. We all have been targeted - it's been guaranteed. The significant bricks, in my case, were abuses, ridicule, divorce, physical and emotional attacks, eating disorders, criticism, displaced anger, resentment, jealousy, etc. Interestingly, some have been boomerangs instead of bricks: the same weapon, but, coming after me multiple times.

People frequently default to the same cycles of abuse they were subjected to. Others cry "victim" and then rationalize their own destructive behaviors and choices as justifiable - usurping accountability for their own actions. (Puh-Leez! We all have a free will!)

Thankfully, some of us learn and we swear that we won't "go there". We break cycles, we break the chains of bondage.... we refuse to perpetuate affliction on our own families. There have been many wounds in my life that motivated me to go the opposite extreme. There were aspects of my upbringing and of my young adulthood, that I knew early on "my kids would never experience." Through the power of God alone, my children escaped youth without enduring some of the horrific experiences that I was dealt. Thankfully, these bricks did not scathe my three... and now I realize, if my own painful experience helped in some way, to spare my own children pain - well, I'd do it again. It's much better that these afflictions were upon me, than on the babies I have spent my adult years protecting, loving and fighting for. So be it.

Hopefully, some day, my children will look back on their upbringing, and while far from perfect - they will see a glimmer of humble, motherly success in their very fallible mom. However, more great is my desire that they realize the incredible ways in which God has worked in and through our family...how His hand has protected them, provided for them and set them up for eternal success.

I pray my "cherubs" realize their "bricks", while perhaps different than mine, and while painful at times - hold no power to harm them; but exist to bring them wisdom, and a Godly perspective on life, if handled with prayer and obedience. To me, their realization would be indicative of huge success. Their financial status, their physical address, their material possessions are irrelevant. "God, please open their eyes to the vast success that awaits them."

t

PS: Next up: avoiding dogs and squirrels...and/or "what's in a name?"

Time Flies....but I do Not

Oh that's right...I created a blog...haven't had time to come back in awhile!

Well, I'm completely envious of those who seem to "have it all together"....I'm even more so of those who "actually do."

There's about to be a reshuffling in my life.... I've got to address MARGIN in a big way! Lately, there remains far too much "task list" at the end of each day. Yet, when I review actions taken - it's hard to determine what should have been omitted. This is an area where much prayer and detailed attention is in order.

With a traveling husband, two adult children out of the nest, and a high school senior busy with her life - I would expect to have more time available for painting, drawing, reading, baking, gardening and bubble baths. All these glorious and refreshing activities would be best enjoyed in our well-organized, immaculately cleaned home. (Not so - in fact, this feels like an intensely busy, chaotic time, and too often my laundry is piled higher than what should be acceptable.)

With a deployed marine coming home from Afghanistan in the next few months, my daughter winding down her last semester in high school (prom/recognition events/AP testing/graduation/celebrations), well - it's only going to get more intense. Oh...and did I mention a wedding in our future? My son is to marry his high school Sweetheart this summer...while I excitedly look forward to the showers, luncheons, shopping, rehearsal dinner, and THE WEDDING - it makes the matter of 'BALANCE' all the more significant.

I want to enjoy these special moments and fervently desire to do everything well. It's clearly time to revisit and modify priorities and rethink and implement new time management practices. If memory serves correctly, a decade ago I managed everything with much more grace and efficiency - in spite of the younger children, carpools, PTA, and still the traveling husband. What has changed? hmmmm.

Recently, the word BUSY was defined as: Busy.Under.Satan's.Yoke. This is reminiscent of C.S. Lewis's "Screwtape Letters". An attention-getting realization!

"Okay God, it's time to roll up the sleeves, and take a hard, long look at how the resources you have given me are being stewarded. Primarily, time.

Help me to do all things to your glory, to the best of my ability, in a manner that honors You, my family and friends and my physical body too. Help me to find more time to create a warm environment in our home, to have more margin to spend with those who matter most to me (and to You), and to better care for this physical body -including more time to laugh and more time to reflect."

PS God: Remember when my life seemed to be so well organized? As you have surely noticed, it's not like that any more, and it STRESSES me. Please either help me to "relax my standards" a bit, or better yet: to quickly find my groove again and to be the mom/wife in a smoothly running home where all passports, shot records, recipes, receipts and socks can be quickly located again.

Irrelevance of Biology

In December of 1990, when I learned that the miracle of a new life was growing inside my womb, I was overcome with excitement! That excitement was then tainted with angst – a fear of repeating a horrible cycle of neglect and abuse. The thought of impending motherhood drove me to praying “for real” – for the first time in my life. At night, I would lie in bed, with my hands over my abdomen and quietly, but passionately plead with God for a myriad of outcomes. I had not been educated on ‘how to pray’, in fact – I had very little “Christian education” at that point. My requests were made known for a baby girl, then more specifically, a “healthy baby girl”…then a somewhat guilty response after awhile, “Okay God. I’m sorry I specified girl…please forgive me for being so picky. Just give me a healthy baby.” God was asked for a child who would grow up and be a “good Christian” when being a “good Christian” wasn’t even clear to me. Requests were raised for a child who would grow up and be the kind of kid I wished that I had been. Increasingly frequent, high priority requests were submitted...requests that my child NEVER live a day on this earth without being secure in the fact that he/she was greatly loved.

Desperately longing to be the very thing I felt robbed of, I begged God to make me a good mom. Ridiculously, and it’s almost with embarassment that this is admitted now: I prayed some times for a little girl who would look and act much like me, but with blue eyes. In retrospect, it’s easy to ascertain the shallow depth of my prayers. “Blue eyes?” How important was that – really? However, these prayers were with a pure heart at the time – and a longing to be a Godly mom to a precious child that for some incomprehensible reason, God was entrusting to ME, of all people!

Fast forward 18-19 years: I know a lot more. But, with the knowledge obtained,it seems to me some of those prayers in my early 20s were pleasing to His ears. They were innocent “conversations with my Heavenly Father”. In my naievete, looking back – this was indeed the absolute beginning of a closer walk with Him. Have I been close to perfect since? Regrettably, no – not even in the ballpark. I am a follower of Jesus….and a work in progress.

This is probably longer than a blog posting should be – but I cannot close here. The pregnancy I referenced above was my only pregnancy and it led to the birth of my daughter Britt. (nicknamed my "Angel”…perhaps I’ll explain that some other time.) Ironically, she is my youngest child. The incredible blessing of raising three children with my husband has been an incredible gift from God. There was a time when I was angry with God because I was not the recipient of maternal love in my youth – but now I see that as preparation for the task HE had before me. The relationships shared with all of my ‘cherubs’ exceeds the biological connection experienced with my own “egg donor” 10,000 times. My children heard me say with integrity and deep personal conviction that "biology isn't everything." The question from me to them over the years has been repeatedly, “Do you know every day of your life how much I love you”? Every time the answer has been a resounding ‘yes’. Do they really comprehend the depths of my love for them? Probably not - but they comprehend that they are loved. Wanted. Cherished. What could be more meaningful as a Mom, than knowing your kids are secure in your love for them…in spite of being the disciplinarian, task master, driving instructor, tutor, medic, and guard rails for their youth?

Many people in my life have either been adopted or have adopted. There are women and men that I know who dearly love and cherish their children with the kind of love that only a mom or dad can offer, however, they were not present at the birth. I am one of those women and feel PASSIONATELY that shared DNA is highly over-rated. This is not to diminish those blood relations that have manifested into full-fledged family in every sense of the word. But I simply want the world (and some close minded indivduals) to know that you don’t have to carry a child to love him/her with all your heart. God blessed me with both kinds of kids…if given the chance, I'd not change a thing. I am blessed.

More next time…. I could write a novel on this topic. By the way, while my youngest was on a mission trip to Brazil last spring, the Holy Spirit brought to mind some of those pre-natal prayers...and He showed me that He answered them - quite favorably. (She even has blue eyes!) Perhaps that was to help build my faith....and perhaps even the faith of others. He's like that "ya know?"

Working up to it....

Oddly, I’ve been stumped on ‘blog topics’ for the last few weeks. At the encouragement of my dear sister-in-law, one of my closest friends – I started this blog. “Said blog” has remained stagnant since its inception. Interestingly, I love writing….it’s cathartic. Unfortunately, I’m also one of those people who lives too often inside of my own head. (If you are reading this…there’s a pretty good chance that we’ve had a conversation you know nothing about! ) Needless to say, there’s a lot of informational overload, unspoken dialogue and foregone conclusions (as well as foregone confusions) that will now be in print. Perhaps, this practice will lead to more sleep-filled nights, and fewer nights of mind aerobics and handheld 20 Qs (on silent.) First up I think: Biology…. That will likely encompass many ‘blog entries’. Stay tuned…. Or tune out – the choice is yours. : )

Me? Blogging? Really?

As someone who spends a tremendous amount of time living inside of my head - I've often found that writing is cathartic...soothing....and quite enoyable, for myself. However, I struggle with the thought of someone else reading my musings. They may soon figure out that I'm more 'messed up than a football bat'...or a potential reader may start wondering if Peachford is in my near future. Either way... I'm transparent, but usually not neon. Think about it.

Next thought that pops into my brain - what could I possibly have to say that would be (a) insightful (b) entertaining or even (c) tolerable? Time will be spent contemplating subject matter. In recent months, I actually created a blog on another site, however, that blog is desolate, empty and uninspired. I'll do better....

PS: BSH - You got me involved in that little thing called 'FaceBook' and look what that has evolved into. I LOVE IT!

Looking for inspiration....
tah-tah