Whitney Houston and the Greatest Love of All

It took only minutes after learning of her passing that I heard, “No grief for a dope”; “Whitney Houston, who?”; “She deserved it”; “She wanted it”; “Serves her right!”  WOW - Our culture has become so insensitive.   Am I the ONLY person who perceives this way of thinking as severely MESSED UP? 

WGH and I listened to a news report Monday morning that said, “Whitney was found dead in the bathtub – and there were prescription pills found nearby.”   I’m so thankful that my sweet husband is picking up on my unique way of “processing information.”  As I was thinking it, he said it:  “Wow, Tawnda – if you died in our bathtub, the media could say that prescription pills were found nearby.”  EXACTLY!  And should the truth be known, I have a small pharmaceutical company in the master bathroom, all legitimate – all necessary for: various ailments; chronic illnesses; allergies; surgical recovery; and fighting infection.  It’s quite likely I’ll be on at least 4-5 of these as long as I’m alive! 

Could Whitney have been intoxicated or fallen in a drug induced state?  Sure, but I don’t know the reality of the situation….and neither does the general public!  In a strange way, a confirmed, self-medicated state would only make the situation sadder.

In an unexpected twist, my newsfeeds have been full of statuses indicating that the fallen service men and women from our country in the last week have been overshadowed by the attention given to a drugged out pop singer.  It seems some of my Christian and Patriot friends have forgone the values they profess and defend!    While the website and its operators are far from infallible, the United States Department of Defense has reported the following casualties in association with “Operation Enduring Freedom” in the last two weeks: 

USMC Lcpl  Edward Joe Dyers  of Greenville, MS on February 1^st

Army BG Terrance John Hildner, of Fairfax, VA February 3^rd
Army SFC Billy Albert Sutton, Tupelo MI, Feb 13^th

With absolutely ZERO disrespect, two of these young men died prior to the passing of Whitney Houston.  Only one died afterward.  Her death did not OVERSHADOW their heroism.  A large percentage of our population may place emphasis on the life of a fallen pop idol – and another large percentage may place added emphasis on fallen lives, in uniform.  Please understand that I have four friends who have lost sons in Afghanistan in the last 2 years, so this is a matter that is near to my heart. However, I feel confident that all lives are valued and precious in the eyes of our Lord.  Who are we to determine otherwise?

Ironically, it seems many feel compelled to elevate Tebow and/or the Super Bowl to heights far above the oft discounted life of Whitney Houston….In fact, according to twitterstats.net, the last 24 hours have generated 1478 tweets with the hash tag #whitneyhouston.  Interestingly, 1482 tweets were generated with the hash tag #timtebow.  Even more interesting?  The #Superbowl hash tag generated over TEN THOUSAND tweets per second during the February 5^th game (per readwriteweb.com.)   I’ve intentionally searched and cannot find A SINGLE PERSON who has suggested that the 2012 Super Bowl overshadowed a single “Operation Enduring Freedom” casualty.  What’s wrong with this picture?  Do I understand that it’s okay to exponentially elevate one single sporting event – with no life lost, but with incredible commercial value - over a single combat casualty?  REALLY?  If I’m off track, PLEASE help me to see my inaccuracy – help ME to see that one life is of less value than another. 

With humble sincerity, I commit to praying for the families of our fallen war heroes.  I also commit to praying for the daughter, mother and extended family of Whitney – a troubled soul, but one valued by the King of Kings.  Who are we to judge?  Is my life a life that’s “white as snow, apart from the saving grace of Jesus?” ABSOLUTELY NOT.  Is yours?   Aren’t you glad that your life is not fodder for gossip in the supermarket checkout?Top of Form

On Sunday evening, roughly 24 hours after learning of Whitney Houston’s death, and after being appalled by the  general judgmental commentary, I posted the following Facebook status: 

Who are we to judge? I only hope that when I die, others will be quick to remember the good that came from my life...and slower still to recall my poor choices. No matter what you thought of Whitney Houston, she was a mother, daughter and friend. She was a beautiful, talented, child of God - and not unlike the rest of us, she battled demons too, hers were just made public.

Instead of condemning a life that’s gone from Earth – why not pray for the ones she left behind?

~~~~~

In the spirit of full disclosure, I cannot close this post without addressing the latest controversy.  I heard this morning that NJ Governor, Chris Christie has ordered the American flag to fly at half-mast on Saturday during Whitney’s funeral.  Well, IMHO – that should be a tribute reserved for the fallen service men and women of each state, as well as national and state governmental leaders.  Personally, if this is the honor given on Saturday – I feel a dangerous precedent is set.  In months and years to come, will the family and fan base of SnoopDog, Clay Aiken, Taylor Swift and Sir Mix-a-Lot demand equal treatment?  Wow, who will make that divisive, subjective decision? (No disprespect to any of these artists, of course!)

Before you respond harshly to my viewpoints - allow me to tell you why I DID NOT post anything about the Super Bowl. My precious son, a United States Marine – returned from a 10 ½ month deployment in the Middle East.  At this moment, without a Google search, I couldn’t begin to tell you who won the Super Bowl, let alone who played.  All that mattered to me on February 5^th, 2012 is that I was able to hug my “baby boy’s” neck. 

Top of FEphesians 4:29

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. (Matt 7:1-5)

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.  (Eph 4:29)

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matt 12:36-37)  

"Life"

It was a warm, gorgeous spring day – the kind that made teenage girls open the sunroof, turn the volume up and let the wind freely style their hair.  Vibrant color burst throughout the landscape in front of the office building.  Once inside and on the third floor, the waiting area was perfectly decorated – warm and inviting.  It was what you’d expect in an affluent Atlanta office, even at our young ages.  We were greeted by an attractive, pleasant woman and given paperwork to complete.   There was nothing strange, threatening or controversial up to this point.  Surely, the movies made this process seem worse than reality.  Surely.

We were soon called back to a tiny room, not “clinical” in appearance, but a continuation of the lovely waiting room décor.   My friend changed into the standard exam garb, and was made “comfortable” on the exam table.  A sedative was administered before the doctor and nurse both left the room for a short while.  With just the two of us present, I asked my sweet friend if she was okay – and again asked her if she still felt this was the solution she was struggling to find in the midst of her personal storm.  She verbalized complete assurance in that moment.  Being a loyal friend, there for both physical and emotional support, I did not challenge her decision. 

The doctor and nurse returned.  They told me where to sit so to best fulfill my duty as loyal comrade and hand holder.    A short explanation of the next few minutes was given as my then groggy friend nodded in dazed agreement.  Moments later, I witnessed one of the most horrific and saddest events of my entire life.  My eyes were full of tears that day, and as a result – several days since.

The indescribable sounds, smells and sights resulting from choices made twenty-five years ago are still clearly perceptible in my mind at this moment.  Then, it seemed I was dutifully and loyally serving my friend.  Now, I regret that my attempts to help her find other life-giving alternatives were weak.   A young life was cut tragically short that day.  The baby’s mother, my dear friend suffered unbearable guilt, depression and self-destructive behavior for more than a decade.  My viewpoint was forever changed.

~     ~     ~

Four years after that pivotal day, my then-husband and I found out that a baby was on the way.  There has never been a more profound change within me as a woman – than when those words fell upon my ears, and subsequently experienced the sensation of a growing, vibrant life within my abdomen.  Nothing could prepare me for the sense of awesome responsibility, nor the amazing unconditional love that I quickly felt.  Nothing, nothing, nothing – has taught me more about God’s love for His children, than becoming a first-time mom.  

You know the story – the baby born to me is the only child ever carried.  For medical reasons since discovered, the fact I was ever pregnant at all is pretty miraculous.  I’m grateful beyond measure that God had two other children in mind for me – children born to another, but loved beyond what certain doubters can comprehend.  

~     ~     ~

In retrospect, at the age of 18 - I would’ve fallen into the “pro-choice” demographic.  However, that spring day, against the backdrop of new life outside – my mind and my heart were forever changed in the darkness that was in the exam room.  With years, I’ve grown more passionate about this issue.  Today, I in no way support voluntary termination of any pregnancy.  (This is my personal stance - not that of any particular group, religious or political affiliation.)

Surely, my social circle over the years is probably not much different than yours.  I’ve been blown away by the number of people who, like my young friend, made the same decision and like my friend, found themselves in a prison of agony and isolation – fearful of telling others because of the shame they felt.  These women came from relatively conservative backgrounds; none are prostitutes, exotic dancers, etc.   They are Baptist, Jewish, Methodist, Agnostic and Catholic.   We met in high school, college, the corporate world and even at church. 

They share consistent themes: deep regret over naïve/short-sighted choices; daydreams about the child they didn’t get to know; guilt leading to depression - especially around anticipated birthdays and milestones.  The stories known to me are all very similar with one exception.  A couple in their 30s asked my OPINION on this matter because a pregnancy came at an “inconvenient” time.  Despite my “opinion” and in spite of the two children already birthed– they ended a life.  (That situation is still especially hard for me to comprehend, and I honestly don’t know how they are handling it a few years later.)  

Our culture is more than a bit, irrational.  We hear arguments that “Jane Doe” isn’t old enough; mature enough; capable enough; educated enough, etc. to RAISE a child.  However, these same descriptors make “Jane” unlikely to understand the long term consequences of the alternate decision.  “Jane” at 19 doesn’t have an understanding of the many women, desperately longing to be moms. She likely won’t, until she is older and has friends facing infertility.  “Jane “ isn’t mature enough to foresee the guilt she will experience for years to come – including quiet moments between her and a baby she gives birth to when she’s in her late twenties or thirties, or confessing this season of life to a future spouse.   “Jane” probably doesn’t understand that she is able to give an incredible blessing to a desiring couple, an outcome she can later experience joy over, rather than sorrow. 

~     ~     ~

I’m no expert on this (or any) topic, but have walked through the aftermath of abortion with friends and their situations were affirmed by others who’ve openly shared their journeys.  Thankfully, healing is possible.  Forgiveness must happen – ironically, it’s often hardest to forgive ourselves.  I’m a huge proponent of counseling – whether through church, an EAP, etc.  In fact, counseling is underutilized in my “sphere of influence”.  (I think we’d all benefit from some time in “the chair”) 

Every one of us has a story.  Whether yours is similar to the one described above, or your personal “plot” is radically different - pursue victory.  As long as we are breathing, we have the ability to change and the capacity to positively impact others.  Perhaps by sharing your experience, with honest perspective – you can steer another individual away from detriment. God can use ANYTHING to His glory. 

"My lips shall greatly rejoice when I sing to You,
And my soul, which You have redeemed.
My tongue also shall talk of Your righteousness all the day long." Psalm 71:23

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God set forth bas a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness..." Romans 3:23-25


   

¹³ For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^[a]
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  (Psalm 139:13-15)

Progressive Lenses

Five years ago, I had a routine vision screening.  My eyes were perfect – no problems at all.  The optometrist told me that I could fly a plane - if doing so was in my plans.  After that stellar report, I probably didn’t give my “eye health” a second thought, taking for granted my seemingly infallible optical ability.    It’s funny how things change right before us (literally)  – yet, almost undetectably. 

In Mid-2011, I noticed the need to hold Lean Cuisine packages further from my face in order to clearly read the microwave instructions.  A few months later, in fall of 2011, my eyes literally started “hurting” and most afternoons, after hours on my laptop – I would experience a ridiculous headache.  In late November, weird “halos” and dots began invading my view.  That’s when I became more than a bit frightened (brain tumors coming to mind) and called a local, well-respected Optometrist on our medical plan. He saw me that afternoon and I was SHOCKED to learn that in just five short years, my perfect vision had diminished remarkably.  Not only am “near sighted” – I am “far sighted” as well.  So, at the age of 43 and 3 months –  my very first pair of glasses were carefully selected.  They aren’t bifocals like my Dad or grandparents had, with the blatant, definitive line through the middle.  My lenses are “progressive” – like me.  (In the open- minded sense and/or the "hopefully" progressing in life sense.)  There are no distinct lines, but an increased ability to: see far away through the top third; work on a laptop for hours at a time through the mid-section; and view up close, the tiny cooking instructions on my frozen entrée – in the bottom third. 

My eyes didn’t “go bad” overnight.  There were increasingly significant warning signs along the way that I disregarded.  It wasn’t until I thought a large tumor could be growing in my head that I actually acknowledged and addressed the underlying cause. 

When the glasses were first put on, I thought they made my eyes worse.  For the first several days – I was literally nauseated and often dizzy.  It actually seemed the doctor had made a mistaken diagnosis, so I did what most of us do - Googled it.  Apparently, mine was a normal reaction. 

After a few weeks, there was no nausea or dizziness.  I adapted to walking up and down stairs and off curbs.  It wasn’t long before the realization set in that the HORRIBLE headaches were completely gone.  My eyes, with correction, were better than ever!

A few months later, I can easily see a correlation between declining optic health and my own, overall “human condition.”  There have long been “little signs” pointing to areas of concern in my life: challenging or unattended relationships; habits and tendencies that I ought to address:  i.e.,  my insane passion for sleep between the hours of 5 and 8am; the urge to pour a glass of wine after a stressful day or an encounter with someone who I swear has been put on this Earth to TEST me; the tendency to get sucked into meaningless tv – turning into two hours of couch potato-ism.  My faults are many -my attributes seem few.

Admittedly, the areas of weakness listed above have brought about conviction from time to time.  However, like the signs with my eyes that were long ignored – I can no longer allow these areas of my life to remain unchecked and unresolved.  (Nor will I wait until a “Cancerous tumor” is perceived – or diagnosed.)

I attended the Memorial Service of a longtime friend and classmate yesterday.  Milton’s class of 86 is still quite young, yet she was the third to die in roughly a year.  Her loss was completely without warning.  Sadly, she leaves behind a 5 year old daughter and a much-loved husband of 8 years.  As I think about Angela, I can’t help but wonder what she would’ve done differently the last days, weeks, and months of her life had she known her remaining days were so few?   

At my age, we tend to go about our routines with the assumption of time. The truth of the matter, a truth that I’ve long known cognitively, but find hard to accept deep down…. Is that there is no guarantee of tomorrow.  From this day forward, I plan to address those areas of life that give me pause for concern.  Maybe after proper diagnosis and “correction”, relief of longstanding headaches and perception issues will come.

A couple of you that I know and love well  are dealing with “areas” of short -sightedness.  Some share one or more of mine; others refuse to acknowledge truth about certain family members – thus enabling them to continue destructive patterns , hurting themselves and others in the process. Friends of mine are in relationships that shouldn’t exist -  they seem to “know” but ignore that fact. Some want to take the seemingly easy way out, while others find a way to displace blame for the problems they face.  Then again, I have friends who want to stay on the periphery of God’s radar.  When convenient, they see God as Santa Claus – giving Him their list of “wants” but ignoring Him altogether when the “wants” are few or temporarily satisfied.  No matter what, my friends in these scenarios, are dealing with unnecessary headaches AND heartaches. 

We should address our symptoms, especially the recurring ones – with the appropriate person or entity.  The applicable  "diagnosis" and the necessary prescription will surely bring relief.  Sure, as was the case for a few short weeks –  prescribed treatment made me a bit uncomfortable, and quite literally – nauseated.  However, I now know it’s because my vision was being corrected.  It was, in retrospect, a short adjustment period. The halos and spots invading my vision have disappeared and clarity since is restored.  How foolish of me to wait so long before facing the issues that were growing increasingly apparent.  It could’ve been me that closed my eyes for the last time  in recent days.  Sadly, it would've been with words unsaid, habits unbroken, and relationships left unattended. 

The areas that I need to address are crystal clear to me. What would you address if you knew this was the last week of your life? 

Newsflash:  it might be.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”  (James 4:14)

Pride could've prevented me from glasses,
as I didn't want to look "older".  It was a bit of a
struggle.  Now the question is:  What is pride
 getting in the way of in other areas of life?

Cross references:

1. James 4:14 : Ps. 102:3; [Job 7:7]
Are there phone calls to make?  Moments to be shared?

Forgiveness to extend?  Friendships to restore?

Habits to break? Complaining less and praising more?

Life U - 2011

I love learning - anything!  Every day provides opportunity to grow in knowledge.  2011 provided 365 days of "Life University".  At 42, some things "clicked" for the first time, and a few earlier lessons are now understood with greater clarity than before.  The goal now is application of the most important takeaways...while avoiding the less signficant "pitfalls" as well.

What did 2011 teach me about...

Adult Children?  I was incredibly naive in my 20s and 30s.  At
the time, it seemed that my remaining years on Earth would forever be spent tutoring, redirecting, cleaning, cooking, mediating, shuttling (In a mini van!), planning sleepovers, birthday extravaganzas and end of season parties for three very active children.  Those times were often physically and emotionally draining. God, please forgive me for thinking it was going to be a cakewalk when they all reached adulthood!  The daily demands are less on me, but the emotional demands are more taxing than ever.  You watch as your "children" make major life altering decisions regarding: Marriage/dating, children, education, career choices, lifestyles and so forth.  Their grown up decisions are clearly going to have a more significant impact on them than some of the silly, short-sighted choices of youth. It's been hard to let my babies go, harder than I ever imagined.  It's especially hard when you suspect a decision will lead to difficulty or pain.  When they were all little ones, my heart would break when their hearts were broken.  That hasn't changed. I may not get to speak into their lives as much now, but love them just the same.  It's hurtful when you see that lessons you taught them as little ones have been disregarded and you fear what it will take to get them back on track at times. The best (and sometimes only) way to support them now is through prayer. Of course, you love them no matter what.  In 2012, and beyond, my precious, grown up children will be prayed for - and as they add spouses, babies, etc. - they too will be in prayer.

I recommend "The Power of Praying for your Adult Children" by Stormie O'Martian.  It is a powerful little book. I was fortunate to go through this with a group of "Marine Moms".  We all had children in the USMC, either deployed or preparing for deployment.  Most of us had other children as well, some doing incredibly well (they still need prayer!) and others really struggling with addictions and other destructive habits and relationships. This book was a Godsend.

Balance: My firstborn and/or functioning "only" personality make excellence a priority.  On the other hand, balance is a descriptor I'd like to apply to my life. The two can and should go hand in hand. It's impossible to do EVERYTHING with excellence, if doing too much... so 2012 is the year I will limit the task list and expand time spent enjoying the things of life for which I have passion. For both my physical and emotional health - the word "NO" will be more frequently spoken in response to requests and invitations. My calendar will not become overbooked with activity. There will be more margin than ever before. There will be increased opportunity for de-stressing and enjoying the hobbies I've put on the back burner.  Most of all, there will be increased time engaging with friends and family. My overall health will benefit.  Speaking of health...

My Health?  Too often, I've taken it for granted.  I started out 2011 with a serious case of pneumonia, in bed and miserable for weeks.  It took months to get "back to normal".  Laying around and doing nothing may sometimes sound appealing - but it was depressing.  2011 was the "sickest" year of my adult life and I care not to repeat it!  First off, ample sleep, exercise and a healthier diet will be routine.  (Not over the top though, I will still enjoy my favorite unhealthy foods, including chocolates in my desk drawer - just not as often!)  The aforementioned "balance" will also have a positive impact.

Forgiveness?  Forgiveness has taken center stage this year. In years past, I thought I really had mastered this. (Will I ever really master anything though?)   The freedom experienced by the forgiveness of others' transgressions is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.  It's a gift we can obviously give others - and they don't even have to ask for it.   There have been too many faces  on my "radar" of people who harbor resentment.  Their bitterness shows in their countenance and in their physical aging.  There is no point in holding on to the details of every infraction ever committed against us.  I'm definitely not insinuating that we should "forgive, forget and reengage".  It's irresponsible to put ourselves or our children/family in a spot vulnerable to the same mistreatment by the same people - especially those with long-established patterns of hurtful behavior.  (I'm not talking about any one person here - but a handful - from various facets of life.) 

Gems from an expert author on forgivess at the bottom of this page: http://tawnda.blogspot.com/2011/04/spring-cleaning.html


Hurt Feelings?  When I was a child, my sense was that as we grew to adults, we'd have our feelings hurt less.  That was clearly blinded thinking. Girls were the worst, they could make a comment about my "unpopular long hair" or my clothes, my soft voice, my name, etc.  I was so different from many of them, but the thing my little heart desired was to be just like them. (My crazy pre-pubescent thinking!)   With hurt feelings - I would simply want to disappear, or sneak away and cry.  Fast forward to 2011, my feelings were still sometimes hurt, but probably most often by the actions of people I care about.  Sometimes, they may not have realized how their shortsightedness affected me.  Other times, it was obvious.  In 2012, perhaps I'll find a way to creatively address those situations as they arise. One of my much-loved children profoundly hurt my heart this past year - we never discussed it.  Perhaps that was as much a disservice on my part.  It was an opportunity missed.  No matter who it is that causes hurt - forgiveness is key. 

Friendships?  2011 made me fully aware of the blessing of friends.  I'm not talking about "surface friends" but the ones who stand by you, sacrifice for you and care for you in the times of need.  (i.e., medical - post op, etc.)  God has blessed me with tons of friends.  Like everyone, among those "friends" are the ones who come around when: they'll benefit; they need something; they have a free Friday night and no better offers.  Then again, I've got amazing true friends who, with nothing to gain -  cared for me while I was sick; fed my family during recovery; ran errands on my behalf; called; wrote; visited; prayed - and I wasn't exactly fun to be around.  They didn't benefit - they just showed up.  Admittedly, there was a handful of friends that really loved on and supported me in a way that surprised me.  I was humbled. Aside from "post-op" care, I've been loved, admonished, counseled, encouraged, challenged and greatly entertained by some of the most amazing people on Earth!  In 2012, I will grow and foster these significant relationships while hopefully, becoming a better friend myself.  (God, help my eyes and ears to be open to the needs of others so that opportunities to be the Hands and Feet of Jesus, are not missed!  Help me to better value all the friends you've so graciously given me!)


Life at home?  (still so much to learn!)

• 2 kittens are a great way to fill an "almost empty" nest!
• One should never paint the interior of one's house between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  (Never again!)
• Game nights with the children are even better now than in the days of "Hi Ho Cherry O", "Pretty Pretty Princess", "Chutes and Ladders", etc. It's a great way to start dialogue - admittedly, better for building relationships than watching movies together (just explain the rules of "catch phrase" so you will avoid physical injury!)  
• Social Media can actually lead to meaningful relationships - I used to discount this, wondering how so many online affairs could arise.  However, 2011 has given me rich, meaningful, online friendships with Marine Moms across the country.  We have shared with each other, gone through Bible Studies together, prayed for and loved each other.  Additionally, in 2010 - FB afforded the opportunity to meaningfully reconnect with old friends from school. 
• Some people are just grumpy.  I continue to find ways to deal with them - but have determined they're not usually open to change.  
• People Magazine: one of my guilty pleasures, is an incredible prayer tool.  (For some reason, I never considered praying for celebrities until Dr. Bill Brown from Cedarville University shared his message on The Christian Worldview and mentioned his celebrity prayer list.  Inspiring!)
• With regard to a clean house:  no one can ever clean it to my high standards - but I'll never turn down help!   
• Also with regard to a Clean house: It has been confirmed that on the absolute messiest day of the year (post Christmas chaos with construction project underway) you will likely look up to see 12-15 people congregating in your kitchen.  It's okay.

How has The Word of God Changed? It hasn't! God's Word is infallible.  It is the inspired Word of our Creator and Perfector of our faith.   It was the same yesterday as it is today.  In some ways, with continued study - the words become more alive, more meaningful and understandable. When you know and understand the power of the Word, you want everyone you know to be an ardent student.  You strongly desire that scripture be planted on the hearts of family and friends so they may apply Biblical principles to their own lives - enjoying fuller, more meaningful years. My 2011 "list" pales greatly aside the Words of the Utmost Authority.  

Life is short - I want to make it count. When I'm gone, my family and friends will know my beliefs, my thoughts, and even my abundant shortcomings. My hope is that something in my crazy mixed-up life story will aid them in theirs.

When they question the Word of God - when they hear the gospel and shrug their shoulders in disbelief - I hope they will sense me whispering, "are you sure? What if I'm right? What if you are wrong?"

As I type this last sentence, it's increasingly evident that the most important objective for me in 2012 is this: to make the work of His Hands in my life, obvious to all I encounter.

Happy New Year - may you be blessed with love, joy, and a peace that surpasses ALL understanding in the next 12 months!

Near Death Experiences...What do they Mean?

My daughters and a handful of friends have been raving about the book, “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo.  Without giving the entire story line away, it’s a three year old’s account of three minutes in Heaven.  Remembering Matt Lauer’s interview of the Burpo Family in March of this year added to the intrigue, so I brought it to the beach this week.  In complete transparency, there were four small theological points in the book that gave me pause.  I’ve written those down and will research scripture later – I may be “off” in my thinking, but want to go straight to the Word to find out. Even with my “gut checks” there is more than enough information that, if accurately recorded, points to a child’s amazing opportunity to gain contemporary heavenly insight.  The Burpo’s faith and the faith of many in their small town seem to have gotten a huge boost – understandably so.

After turning the final page of “Heaven is for Real” – my mind took me on a journey back to the accident which almost took my life just before turning 15.  Nowadays, I don’t often think of that day and the months/years of medical procedures and corresponding recovery.  However, certain anniversaries, metal detectors and random physical aches that come out of nowhere will on occasion, remind me.  (http://tawnda.blogspot.com/2010/06/broken-bones-scars-and-ugly-blue-pintos.html)

In the days that followed my accident, I shared with my parents what I perceived as my own “out of body” or “near death” experience.  It sounds strange to say, and it's even more peculiar to put in writing.  I can still clearly see myself in an emergency room, laying on a gurney and being worked on by a team of medical professionals.  I don’t recall what they said – or exactly what they were doing, but the image of hurried attention is burned in my mind.  The next thing I remember is  “KNOWING” that I was expected to die (but never being told.) Following that was a short stream of people coming to my side, crying and while I don’t recall specific words, they were saying goodbye.  If memory is accurate, it was during this time that my Dad never left my side; specifically he stood at or behind my head.  In the midst of the “visits” from immediate family, friends and my Uncle Jerry – Dad never stopped being “my dad.”  He pulled the white sheet up higher on my neck – if he could’ve, I’m sure he would have quickly fashioned a turtleneck for me out of another sheet.  He was always uber conservative minded when it came to how his oldest daughter should dress.  (Not that there was an actual issue at that time of my life!)  At 15 – I was extremely conservative-minded and ultra-modest, and overall rather geeky.  Nothing in me wanted to test fashion boundaries until at least a year and a half later.

In the account above, the same one shared with my parents 28 years ago – I never saw a “white light”.  With vivid recall, I can still “see” myself from up above – positioned in the left, far corner of the room facing the entrance.   However, there is nothing in my mind that even vaguely suggests the presence of God, Jesus, Angels, or family members who had gone before me.  Sometimes I hear those stories and it just further perplexes me.  Maybe at the time there was some other “being” present and I didn’t hold on to that.  Then again, who really knows what happens during those times our bodies are on the cusp of leaving this world? I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was my experience. 

In the past, I’ve shared this information with only a select few.  Often, if you share something of a supernatural nature, people will just look at you like you’ve been smoking crack.  Of course, there are those who attempt to “explain” it away – making MY very real experience conform to a small box they are comfortable with.  My dad neither validated nor discounted my recollection, but did affirm the events, the setup/appearance of the room, staff, equipment, etc.  My mother was quick to point out that I must have been consciously paying attention to my surroundings via a light fixture positioned above me.  When I vehemently disputed that theory, blame was placed on the drugs administered in the days that followed.  NOTE:  No drugs were given to me in the ER due to the nature and suspected severity of internal/head  injuries. Even in the days that followed – I was taken to surgical rooms for procedures on my face and head – minus anesthesia.  (Gradually, I was able to have shots around my eyes, nose and mouth – a light “local”.  Those shots were likely worse than the pain they were intended to mask.)

My thoughts this morning also took me to my grandmother’s hospital room last September.  Fortunately, I had received a call from a cousin alerting me to the severity of her health; otherwise I’d not have known her condition was so grim.  Bill and I were able to make the drive to Copper Hill, TN to see Nannie one final time.  The sight of her was amazing to behold.  It was hard not to cry when seeing my 5’10” quick-witted, sharp-as-a-tack grandmother lying so frail – weakened physically and mentally.  She literally looked like a smaller, weakened version of herself.    On the most recent visit, a few months beforehand – her once bright mind was clearly not that anymore.  She still had moments of clarity and a sense of humor.  Physically, you’d never know anything was wrong with her.  The September visit proved shocking.  

Nannie was so frail that it was difficult for her to get liquid from a straw held to her mouth.  As I sat facing her on the bed – she kept looking over my shoulder, smiling.  Sometimes her tiny body would even come up off the bed and her outstretched arms would reach toward “something” over my shoulder.  In these moments she sometimes seemed to have a childlike, anticipatory expression.  She was smiling widely with excitement and uttering words I couldn’t really understand.  As we hugged her for the last time, and made our way back home – I couldn’t stop thinking about and wondering what or who it was she was “seeing” with such excitement.  Whatever the case, her apparent delight was and is a comfort.

So, these events are great mysteries to me, falling under the heading:  “things we’ll not understand as long as we are living.”   Too many others – Christian and otherwise, have shared similar stories to the ones above.  I’ve asked a Christian doctor his perspective and he concurs that there is “something” and he has seen it many times when a patient’s life is approaching an end.  With his medical education, and decades of serving in ministry and in the medical profession - he doesn’t have the answers.  I suppose it shouldn’t be surprising that this “phenomenon” continues to perplex me as well.

In closing, the image of my Dad standing by me in what was to have been my final hour is now a strange gift. In the midst of emotional chaos, he was still protective of my dignity.   I knew then and know now that he loved me, his daughter, as a dad should.  Unusual circumstances today mean that I’m not able to often see or hear from him. These odd but real memories are now reassuring to my “daughter’s heart.”  Perhaps, if nothing greater – this unexplainable experience serves today as a sweet reminder; confirmation God knew in advance, would mean the world to me now.   

It doesn't matter that I ever fully understand the events of that day...

LFS: A non-professional, but highly experienced and Passionate Perspective

43 years, two months, and 1 day ago – a brand new little girl was driven home by her equally new parents.  Her proud daddy quickly opened the passenger door, taking the baby from her mother’s arms. He carried her inside.  Minutes later, “Mother” realized that her husband wasn’t coming out to aid his newly non-pregnant wife's exit from the car.  He was inside the house, ecstatic and proudly rocking his baby girl.  Based on the number of times this story has been shared over the years, along with the commentary and recounts of grandmothers and extended family on both sides; the innocent baby’s LFS in the eyes of her mother, was sealed.   “LFS” you wonder?

In recent weeks, the Today show on NBC highlighted a story from “Time Magazine”:  “Favoritism, why Mom likes you or one of your Siblings Best.”  The acronym LFS = “Least Favored Status”, was since added to my vocabulary.  The catalyst for media attention was a single chapter taken from a recent book by Jeffrey Kluger, “The Sibling Effect: What the bonds among Brothers and Sisters Reveal about Us.” 

Back to the baby girl from paragraph 1:  Two siblings were added to the family and the LFS grew more obvious to all.  The innocent little girl grew up much like a contemporary Cinderella, but in her family of origin; not with a wicked evil stepmother/sisters, as in the Disney version.  She was largely responsible for any cleaning that was actually performed.  She was too often held accountable for the care of her younger siblings.  If one of the younger ones was blatantly disobedient – fault fell upon the LFS.  She was disciplined, often to extreme.  One instance quickly comes to mind:  the LF daughter – along with the MF daughter and MF son were being cared for overnight by a much older babysitter.  The always rebellious, MF little sister obtained scissors and cut her bangs to the scalp.  When “Mother” came home the next day – the oldest, LF – received a physical and verbal beating for an infraction she had no part in.  No one else suffered a consequence.    So, that was her lot in life.  Punishment, retribution, “child labor” and irrational responsibility for the actions of others fell upon this little girl.  It’s no wonder that she pursued every opportunity to spend time with friends, relatives, and a literal escape via extracurricular activities.

Fast forward two decades:  “Cinderella” marries her Prince Charming and they raise a family of their own.  Plagued by memories of her ill-fated family position, she goes to great extremes to ensure her children never experience the pain or perception of LFS.  At Christmas, she continues to make sure each of her children have the same number of packages to open – and that the same amount of money is spent on each child collectively.  Over the children’s academic careers –she rotates her “room mom duties” – taking turns as room parent, team mom, troop mom, etc.  for all three children until the last reached high school.  As with all of us – life experience greatly influenced her style of parenting.  

While it makes sense that some children are easier for parents to “get along with”; require less “redirection”; excel academically; possess similar interests/preferences as a parent.”  It is, in my humble and experienced position – ABUSIVE, to pick and elevate a favorite among the rest.   While it’s ridiculous to treat all children IDENTICALLY, it’s not at all ridiculous to expect a level of fairness.   Children are unique beings, complete with individual gifts and challenges.

When I see children discounted for any reason, it gets under my skin in an incredible way.  There is currently a commercial for ATT U-verse that quite simply annoys the heck out of me.  I know it feeds the minds of other children across the country that are watching and are either A) the presumed favorite or B) the presumed least favorite.  Obviously, the family is portrayed by actors - but it still "bothers me".  (Poor Kyle!)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-cKpTMGd1g

Let’s face it – some of us may have a child that drains us emotionally, physically, financially, etc.  But we cannot let that child ever live under the impression that he/she is of less significance than the others.   Some of us may have a child who is extremely compliant, loving and easy.  We must be just as diligent in making them know that their easy demeanor does not in any way equate to elevated parental preference. 

Furthermore, from personal experience, I’ve seen how the often “favored” grow into adults with an entitlement mindset. It seems many are less likely to successfully manage life apart from extensive family or government "involvement."  So, yes I was the only child of my mother, required to buy her own first car, but I’ve also achieved a level of “grown up independence” I may not have attained otherwise. 

Modern Day Application from Cinderella’s personal experience: 

• Don’t “excuse” every bad choice/behavior a child makes  - attributing it to a “physical limitation”, temperament, or other factor far beyond their control.   
• If one child/grandchild is “more challenging” than others; less similar to yourself; from a birth parent you care/know little about :  go the extra mile to make that child feel just as significant as the rest.
• If one child/grandchild evokes your sympathy for any reason – don’t teach that child that rules and expectations don’t apply to him/her.  In the long run, you’re not really "loving" that child but setting them up for a hard and disappointing future.
• Don’t single out any child/grandchild, etc. as “the special one” – in the long run, you may lose theirs (and others’) respect, while also teaching the “one” how to effectively manipulate.  You may impair relationships between siblings, cousins – and may even cause marital/family division.   There are serious, long-term consequences. 
• Along this same point:  please don't make it a habit to give special "gifts" to one child - repeatedly, and especially in front of the others.  Sometimes, it may be practical or meaningful to give a certain gift to a particular child - but certainly not repeatedly.  Don't "slip" the same child a $20, $50, $100.... spend $50 on one's birthday, but consider $30 too much for the next.  It seems so obviously wrong to behave this way - yet it happens!
• In this day of social media, if you’re a plugged in parent or grandparent – you may want to give consideration to the messages you’re sending by: A)  replying/commenting/"liking"/retweeting only one (or a select few) of the children in your family.  Believe it or not – those “seemingly insignificant” keystrokes can highlight personal bias. B) If you have an inordinate number of pictures of one child framed/catalogued/displayed on your refrigerator or nowadays rotating in your electronic photo frame – it may be an indicator that you've ignited feelings of rejection or inadequacy in one or more child.

Perhaps many parents/grandparents unintentionally fall into this pattern.  Most people don’t set out to hurt the hearts of the innocent. However, once the guard has been dropped and the “golden child” in the family established, it’s a painful cycle - hard to reverse and often leading to generational consequences.

My position today is not one of a “victim” – but one of a “victor.”  I’m healed, recovered and have forgiven my offender.  I’m not, however, unaffected. To withhold any benefit at all to others I love so dearly would be criminal in my estimation.  To sit back and watch as others do the same – is no different than enabling any other type of abuser. Being given children to love is one of life’s greatest blessings and “The greater the blessing - the greater the responsibility.”     
My children are now adults.  We have one grandchild.  Right now, we can give him our undivided attention, making him feel like he’s the ONLY one - because, right now HE IS THE ONLY ONE.  When we are fortunate to welcome other grandchildren to our family, we will do all we can to make each of them know what it means to be loved and cherished by “Mimi & Pop”.  

C/T

I’m not a licensed Psychologist or Certified Family Counselor – but several more qualified than I have spoken out on this reality.  A small sampling of expert commentary; findings from a recent Anderson Cooper survey; and link to the “Time” article are below:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-favorite-child/201107/risks-growing-adored-0

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-favorite-child/201104/when-favoritism-becomes-abuse

http://healthland.time.com/2011/09/22/favoritism-why-mom-likes-you-or-one-of-your-siblings-best/ 

http://www.time.com/time/video/player/0,32068,1174910082001_2094342,00.html

http://moms.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/09/26/7972504-moms-and-dads-fess-up-to-having-favorites

God shows no favoritism. It's in the Bible, Acts 10:34, NKJV. "Then Peter opened his mouth and said: 'In truth I perceive that God shows no partiality.'" Romans 2:11, NKJV says, "For there is no partiality with God."

Why does God condemn favoritism? Because it reveals a destructive double standard. It's in the Bible, Malachi 2:9, TLB. "Therefore, I have made you contemptible in the eyes of all the people; for you have not obeyed Me, but you let your favorites break the law without rebuke."

Favoritism devalues people for whom Christ died and indicates an ignorance of God's values. It's in the Bible, James 2:1-4, TLB. "Dear brothers, how can you claim that you belong to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, if you show favoritism…

It is dangerous and unwise to show favoritism in a family. It's in the Bible, Genesis 37:3-4, TLB. "Now as it happened, Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other children, because Joseph was born to him in his old age. So one day Jacob gave him a special gift—a brightly colored coat. His brothers of course noticed their father's partiality, and consequently hated Joseph; they couldn't say a kind word to him."

With Gratitude, an Overdue Follow Up

So, the month of August was a month focused on Gratitude.  Every day, I made it a point to dwell on the many gifts, big and small - rather than to allow my mind and my heart to focus on the difficulties.   It's by no accident that this was the month God laid it upon my heart to do this.   As August began, I had no inkling that surgery was in my immediate future. 

For some, surgery is "no big deal" - for me, an IV or a  simple blood draw is traumatic.  (Due largely in part, to: http://tawnda.blogspot.com/2010/06/broken-bones-scars-and-ugly-blue-pintos.html )  August proved to be a worthwhile experiment in contentment for this "Needle-phobe"!  There was a supernatural peace that accompanied me throughout the entire process.  My gratitude was electronically documented through August 20th.  Then came my "birthday weekend" with celebratory lunches and dinners and a surprise "family karaoke" extravaganza.  Following the weekend of great fun, came a few days of preoperative testing, nesting and preparing for "downtime" - both at home, and in the office.   

Many non-blogged blessings came to mind during the week of surgery. Some while still lucid - but most while in a drug-induced fog,. Random thoughts are scribbled on assorted notepads, journals and post-it notes.  It's funny though, even though I could not (should not) have been posting anything online during those days on painkillers, something in me remembered to jot down the "positives".  There were a couple of conversations with friends/family - in person, on the phone, and online that I have ZERO recollection of.  Apparently, the "liquid percocet" impacted me more greatly than one would anticpate. 

Before surgery, I have vague recollections of very meaningful people coming into the pre-op area: CWL, Sally, Sue, and Bob - and through it all, WGH.  I can't begin to tell you what was discussed in the hours preceeding surgery, other than one brief conversation about a very specific scripture. Honestly, I've no clue now which passage it was, but at the time - it was of great comfort. 

In spite of the "pre-op fog" - I do recall looking up every time someone came near, thinking it would be one of two very different family members that my heart desperately hoped to see.  Both knew of the procedure and potential outcomes - and neither came.  The "little girl" inside of me felt momentarily abandoned, but I didn't let those momentary feelings overtake my grateful position.  Still, my post-its from the hospital listed so many significant "gifts", i.e., a husband and daughter who kept me company around the clock; many interested callers, and an abundance of prayers offered for every aspect of the thyroid surgery.  Of course, I jotted down a thankfulness for drugs, jello, tea, broth and rubber soled slippers (drug induced gratitude, for sure.) 

After getting home on the day following surgery, a humbling showering of love from so many "authentic friends" and a few family members - started.  That outpouring continued for more than a solid month - longer than my actual medical leave.  More than 40 visitors came with food, flowers, DVDs, magazines, and coloring books (I still love to color), and rides to medical appointments.   We were well-fed and so well loved! This "season" was another incredible illustration of God's magnificent provision. 

In spite of those initial, pre-operative "disappointed little girl" moments, He has blessed me beyond imagination with a circle of people who love me.  Sometimes, in my opinion - we have to experience a bit of a deficit, in order to best appreciate the "bounty".  This circle of people literally became the "Hands and Feet" and lavished us with care and concern. How could I be anything less than grateful?   When an emotional wound momentarily tempted to bring me down - all I had to do was look at my overstocked refrigerator, or my fireplace mantle - COVERED with cards and flowers.  I am so undeservedly BLESSED.

Last week, on the final surgical follow-up, my doctor said, "You couldn't ASK for your incision to heal any better than it is."  He was quite pleased and indicated that  he simply couldn't take credit for the remarkable progress.  He suggested that it must be "good genes."  (I can assure you, that is not the case.)  I know otherwise - and believe fully in the power of prayer. 

So, to all of you who brought food, movies, magazines, coloring books, smoothies and flowers; to you who visited, called, texted, or kept me company; to those of you who sent cards from across the country - and most of all - to those of you who prayed - THANK YOU.  God has used you in a mighty way!

With a humble and grateful heart (and now minus a problematic thyroid),
I thank you and love you for how you have loved me...

T

Romans 12:10, Philippians 4:8

Pilgrims

We know not in advance, the persons or experiences that will meet us each day.  None are immune to anxiety-inducing phone calls, or news that will bring them to their knees.  These moments are guaranteed to be part of our Earthly existence.  We start each day unaware of how it will end, whether with the greatest of joy or in overwhelming sorrow.  Each day is in essence, a foreign land.  Since Webster defines a “pilgrim” as one who journeys in foreign lands - we are all pilgrims of sorts. 

As we journey through life, there are people who will join us – some only for a season, and others for most, if not all of the trek.  When I consider the persons who have been on the journey with me – it’s clear that many would not have been considered choice traveling companions had it been my decision.  Sometimes we get to choose the persons accompanying us – but oftentimes, it’s apparent that seemingly rogue wayfarers were actually placed on our path for a reason.   It’s amazing that God can use even the negative actions and attitudes of others to make us better, stronger, more resilient and at the same time more compassionate – especially to others who experience a too familiar pain. Also surprising in retrospect, are the journeyers who have been placed on my personal path – that again, I wouldn’t have “selected” – but have become beacons of light in the dark and stormy times.  Sometimes we simply must trust that “good” is coming from our situation – even if we are unable to see it.  Nothing is wasted in God’s economy.

There are many that I chose to accompany me on this thing called “life”.  Point: It pays to marry the right person – because they’ll be an encourager/supporter through it all, wherever the road takes you.  Conversely, if you pick the wrong spouse – they often find a way to stick around too.  (Not in a supportive, encouraging way – but similar to splinters, boulders, reptiles and broken glass on your barefoot path!)  Even so, there are lessons to be learned about others and lessons we learn about ourselves that may and most likely will - surprise us.

I've learned to be cautious of disregarding the trekkers whose pilgrimage intersects with mine.  Life is far more intricate than we can comprehend and I personally believe few things happen by accident.  A person you may casually encounter tomorrow may turn out to be a future best friend, spouse, mentor, etc.  Then again, you may have “a word” of encouragement or simple kindness that may be just what a random traveler needs to hear. 

 In the rearview mirror, it’s in those times that I was most struggling with the stuff of life – that some of the most phenomenal people have lifted me in prayer, raised my spirits, helped me, hugged and at times admonished me.  Some challenged me to take the “high road”, strengthening my walk and enabling me to better enjoy and appreciate the respites.  Thankfully, God orchestrated the people in my life - if left to my own devices, I'd have more of a mess than what He's allowed.

Last night, WGH and I had the opportunity to preview “The Way” – starring Martin Sheen.  Admittedly, and unfortunately, several movies that fall into the Spiritual genre are a bit cheesy, causing the message to get lost and making Christian filmmakers the subject of mockery.   “The Way” is not one of those movies.  Without giving away too much of the plot, a grief-stricken doctor sets out on the journey of a lifetime.  He embarks on The Camino de Santiago (the Way of St. James), a roughly 500 mile journey on foot,  beginning in France.  The journey culminates at the tomb of St. James, in Santiago de Compostela, Spain.  Before last night, I’d never heard of this pilgrimage, but am now quite intrigued. 

There were several inferences throughout the 2 hour movie that really struck me.  Not foremost, I was reminded that people often solicit help in an area of their lives they don’t have to feel embarrassed about, when in reality – the area in which they long for help and healing is completely different.   It’s a reminder to listen with my heart - not just my ears.  The plot reminded me again that people/situations aren’t always what they seem.  That goes both ways, of course – I’ve desired relationships with people based on what was initially perceived, then reality kicked in and made me change my mind.  Others, more slowly embraced, have turned out to be the most wonderful of friends.  Lastly, everyone has “issues” – and everyone I know longs for deeper meaning in their life “wherever they are” on the spiritual continuum.  Granted, some approach this longing with completely baffling methodology.  

The cast was very "real" and the movie very "human". There are moments that bring a tear, and ones that make you laugh.  Watching the film, and paying close attention to the travelers who joined the main character along the Camino – led to reflection on those who have joined my travels.  Like the main character – I’d not have chosen some of my “traveling companions”, but in retrospect, it’s obvious that they have added value to this crazy, unpredictable journey!  As the movie tag line says, “Life is too big to walk it alone.”  (I’ll add:  some of my co-pilgrims have made the pilgrimage thus far, anything but dull.)

TLH

NOTE:  following the movie, Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez joined the audience for a time of Q&A.  Admittedly, I was blown away by their humility and by the transparent manner in which they both shared of their own spiritual pilgrimages.   EE actually shared that Hollywood now makes a lot of “crap” and he and his dad both know it – because they’ve both been in it!  He expressed a desire to create more meaningful films going forward, stating  that he no longer wants to “kill people” .   EE also referred to himself as a “work in progress” and highlighted some of his own spiritual struggles.   MS was asked about the message he’d like people to take with them after seeing “The Way”.  He shared that while the main character’s pilgrimage took place on the Camino, our individual spiritual journeys take place wherever we are, and one doesn’t have to book travel to Europe in order to experience God, because God dwells within us.  Well said, Martin.

This father/son team has my respect for producing a counter-culture film with such an inspiring message.

An image taken from   http://theway-themovie.com