In recent weeks, the Today show on NBC highlighted a story from “Time Magazine”: “Favoritism, why Mom likes you or one of your Siblings Best.” The acronym LFS = “Least Favored Status”, was since added to my vocabulary. The catalyst for media attention was a single chapter taken from a recent book by Jeffrey Kluger, “The Sibling Effect: What the bonds among Brothers and Sisters Reveal about Us.”
Back to the baby girl from paragraph 1: Two siblings were added to the family and the LFS grew more obvious to all. The innocent little girl grew up much like a contemporary Cinderella, but in her family of origin; not with a wicked evil stepmother/sisters, as in the Disney version. She was largely responsible for any cleaning that was actually performed. She was too often held accountable for the care of her younger siblings. If one of the younger ones was blatantly disobedient – fault fell upon the LFS. She was disciplined, often to extreme. One instance quickly comes to mind: the LF daughter – along with the MF daughter and MF son were being cared for overnight by a much older babysitter. The always rebellious, MF little sister obtained scissors and cut her bangs to the scalp. When “Mother” came home the next day – the oldest, LF – received a physical and verbal beating for an infraction she had no part in. No one else suffered a consequence. So, that was her lot in life. Punishment, retribution, “child labor” and irrational responsibility for the actions of others fell upon this little girl. It’s no wonder that she pursued every opportunity to spend time with friends, relatives, and a literal escape via extracurricular activities.
Fast forward two decades: “Cinderella” marries her Prince Charming and they raise a family of their own. Plagued by memories of her ill-fated family position, she goes to great extremes to ensure her children never experience the pain or perception of LFS. At Christmas, she continues to make sure each of her children have the same number of packages to open – and that the same amount of money is spent on each child collectively. Over the children’s academic careers –she rotates her “room mom duties” – taking turns as room parent, team mom, troop mom, etc. for all three children until the last reached high school. As with all of us – life experience greatly influenced her style of parenting. While it makes sense that some children are easier for parents to “get along with”; require less “redirection”; excel academically; possess similar interests/preferences as a parent.” It is, in my humble and experienced position – ABUSIVE, to pick and elevate a favorite among the rest. While it’s ridiculous to treat all children IDENTICALLY, it’s not at all ridiculous to expect a level of fairness. Children are unique beings, complete with individual gifts and challenges.
When I see children discounted for any reason, it gets under my skin in an incredible way. There is currently a commercial for ATT U-verse that quite simply annoys the heck out of me. I know it feeds the minds of other children across the country that are watching and are either A) the presumed favorite or B) the presumed least favorite. Obviously, the family is portrayed by actors - but it still "bothers me". (Poor Kyle!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-cKpTMGd1g
Let’s face it – some of us may have a child that drains us emotionally, physically, financially, etc. But we cannot let that child ever live under the impression that he/she is of less significance than the others. Some of us may have a child who is extremely compliant, loving and easy. We must be just as diligent in making them know that their easy demeanor does not in any way equate to elevated parental preference.
Furthermore, from personal experience, I’ve seen how the often “favored” grow into adults with an entitlement mindset. It seems many are less likely to successfully manage life apart from extensive family or government "involvement." So, yes I was the only child of my mother, required to buy her own first car, but I’ve also achieved a level of “grown up independence” I may not have attained otherwise.
Modern Day Application from Cinderella’s personal experience:
- Don’t “excuse” every bad choice/behavior a child makes - attributing it to a “physical limitation”, temperament, or other factor far beyond their control.
- If one child/grandchild is “more challenging” than others; less similar to yourself; from a birth parent you care/know little about : go the extra mile to make that child feel just as significant as the rest.
- If one child/grandchild evokes your sympathy for any reason – don’t teach that child that rules and expectations don’t apply to him/her. In the long run, you’re not really "loving" that child but setting them up for a hard and disappointing future.
- Don’t single out any child/grandchild, etc. as “the special one” – in the long run, you may lose theirs (and others’) respect, while also teaching the “one” how to effectively manipulate. You may impair relationships between siblings, cousins – and may even cause marital/family division. There are serious, long-term consequences.
- Along this same point: please don't make it a habit to give special "gifts" to one child - repeatedly, and especially in front of the others. Sometimes, it may be practical or meaningful to give a certain gift to a particular child - but certainly not repeatedly. Don't "slip" the same child a $20, $50, $100.... spend $50 on one's birthday, but consider $30 too much for the next. It seems so obviously wrong to behave this way - yet it happens!
- In this day of social media, if you’re a plugged in parent or grandparent – you may want to give consideration to the messages you’re sending by: A) replying/commenting/"liking"/retweeting only one (or a select few) of the children in your family. Believe it or not – those “seemingly insignificant” keystrokes can highlight personal bias. B) If you have an inordinate number of pictures of one child framed/catalogued/displayed on your refrigerator or nowadays rotating in your electronic photo frame – it may be an indicator that you've ignited feelings of rejection or inadequacy in one or more child.
My position today is not one of a “victim” – but one of a “victor.” I’m healed, recovered and have forgiven my offender. I’m not, however, unaffected. To withhold any benefit at all to others I love so dearly would be criminal in my estimation. To sit back and watch as others do the same – is no different than enabling any other type of abuser. Being given children to love is one of life’s greatest blessings and “The greater the blessing - the greater the responsibility.”
My children are now adults. We have one grandchild. Right now, we can give him our undivided attention, making him feel like he’s the ONLY one - because, right now HE IS THE ONLY ONE. When we are fortunate to welcome other grandchildren to our family, we will do all we can to make each of them know what it means to be loved and cherished by “Mimi & Pop”.
C/T
I’m not a licensed Psychologist or Certified Family Counselor – but several more qualified than I have spoken out on this reality. A small sampling of expert commentary; findings from a recent Anderson Cooper survey; and link to the “Time” article are below:
God shows no favoritism. It's in the Bible, Acts 10:34, NKJV. "Then Peter opened his mouth and said: 'In truth I perceive that God shows no partiality.'" Romans 2:11, NKJV says, "For there is no partiality with God."
Why does God condemn favoritism? Because it reveals a destructive double standard. It's in the Bible, Malachi 2:9, TLB. "Therefore, I have made you contemptible in the eyes of all the people; for you have not obeyed Me, but you let your favorites break the law without rebuke."
Favoritism devalues people for whom Christ died and indicates an ignorance of God's values. It's in the Bible, James 2:1-4, TLB. "Dear brothers, how can you claim that you belong to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, if you show favoritism…
It is dangerous and unwise to show favoritism in a family. It's in the Bible, Genesis 37:3-4, TLB. "Now as it happened, Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other children, because Joseph was born to him in his old age. So one day Jacob gave him a special gift—a brightly colored coat. His brothers of course noticed their father's partiality, and consequently hated Joseph; they couldn't say a kind word to him."
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