The Butterfly Effect

The Caterpillar: The single focus of the caterpillar is simply eating. As this tiny creature consumes available nutrition, it grows like crazy - simultaneously storing valuable nourishment for later use.   After the exponential growth of the caterpillar is complete, it becomes a Chrysalis (lesser appealing is the alternate label: “pupa”.)  This stage of development varies with species and can last a few weeks to a few years. Onlookers may think nothing extraordinary is taking place within the silk wrapped cocoon – yet on the inside there is an amazing transformation underway.  The Chrysalis is becoming a beautiful masterpiece –  a butterfly….

2013 was hard. It was unexpectedly, one of the most difficult of my years thus far; not because of a single catastrophic event, but a myriad of hardships. If given the “fantasy” opportunity of skipping an entire year, my initial inclination would be to move straight from 2012 to 2014. 

Health concerns came and went. The threat of corporate layoffs loomed like unrelenting fog right outside the window – almost touchable.  The most difficult shockwaves involved relationships – and not just one or two. Friends held dear became judge and jury.  It was a year of betrayals, deceit, and pervasive manipulation. Adult children continued to keep me on the brink of obsessive worry.  New emotional wounds were inflicted and former ones ripped open like flesh torn violently in battle.  2013 was plagued with a whole host of personal trials too private and too painful to spell out on a blog.  If the year were personified, she’d be called nothing less than a ruthless Bitch.

Akin to the Chrysalis, most had no idea of what was taking place in my “cocoon.”  Sure, a handful of trusted confidantes knew the difficulties faced.  Fewer still were aware of the gory details. Tremendous emotional and spiritual wrestling were underway.  In the midst of it all, one can easily lose sight of the end goal...and in the process miss the blessings in the pain. 

2013 brought abundant cause for thanksgiving. 

 highlights:

• My son’s continued success and recognition for his leadership and achievement in the USMC.

• My baby girl’s baptism…and her longtime goal of becoming a nurse much closer to reality. 

• Unexpected encounters with God over 4 different days of sharing the gospel with women and men in prison.  (These days were life changing on many levels and involve too many stories for one post, but I’ll never forget the faces, the stories, and the undeniable God moments)
• The opportunity to contribute written material to a women’s Bible Study (fittingly, much about spiritual warfare)
• Obedience:  after running from God for too long. With an unnatural fear of public speaking, I found myself onstage, twice in one day – teaching.  No longer will fear cripple me.  That was liberating (and yes, still frightening, just not paralyzing!)
• At the end of 2013, I was able to hold Camden, the newest addition to our family… what an amazing gift to cradle a new life in one’s arms.
• A “chance” encounter in a park in Cologne, Germany with “Michael” – a heroin addict covered in bloody lesions…. And like “the year 2013” – at first glance, I wanted to turn away and run.  However, with a second look through  refocused eyes – my heart softened.   His was another precious life that  intersected mine for a divine purpose.  (Praying I’ll see him again when I return in June.)
• While a few friendships dimmed, several rose to the top and now shine more brightly than before… I am truly blessed:  to be part of a staff family that I love greatly; to be the junior member of the “Tuesday night Saints” – a group of Godly, wise and hilarious women whom I trust implicitly; to have longtime friendships tested and strengthened through the stuff of life, through prison ministry, and through overseas mission trips. 
• Counting the blessings, I cannot overlook a newly heightened appreciation of laughter and fun.  In spite of last year being tough at times, I honestly believe I laughed more than in any other year. 

Being a total movie buff, I'm especially drawn to films that evoke a wide range of emotion within two short hours.  2013, evoked every emotion easily imagined – varying from the lowest, lingering, exhaustive lows – to the most incredible, mountaintop highs.  God showed off in a big way… He carried me through.  His presence was more apparent and more of a comfort and source of otherwise unexplainable peace than ever before. 
He continues to author this journey and I’ve got the best seat in the House. 2014 is already looking like a great sequel…full of love and heartbreak, delight and sadness, excitement and dread, laughter and tears, confusion and clarity, battle of the will, battle of the flesh, comedy and drama.  It's action packed!

Looking back at 2013 with renewed perspective, the gifts far eclipsed the losses. For now, I’m content where I am – dancing through the storms of life and wrestling my way out of the cocoon.

t.

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.  ~Author Unknown