John Mayer sings “Your body is a Wonderland.” It’s a great song…but if I knew nothing more
than the title and catchy chorus…I could say it applies to my body.” (Bummer, clearly not the case!)
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
The reality is, my body could cause an onlooker to “wonder.” I’m a 5’9, 140 lb living, and breathing bulletin
board covered in “mementos" from the journey I've been traveling since birth..”
From the very top of my head, to the very tip of
my right toe, assorted scars illustrate various chapters of my ongoing biography. A near fatal accident, 4 early stage cancers,
blatant stupidity, and other life experiences have resulted in quite a
collection of imperfections on an already imperfect body. Yep, it's a wonder...
There was a time when I did everything possible to cover visible
scars… especially, the more pronounced ones.
There were summers that sleeveless tops were not an option because I didn’t
want anyone to see the horrific scarring on my upper right arm. When I had thyroid surgery a few years ago, I
bought several scarves and turtlenecks in anticipation of the “mutilation” I’d
have to conceal. Perhaps that was a
season of vanity…. (Just think, TP… you didn’t even know me then!) Now I proudly wear sleeveless tops and love that I have a dear friend with an identical scar in the precise same location. (We're titanium friends... literally!)
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| (note the corresponding description/link to each # below) |
Probably more significant than some of my physical scars are the ones that no one sees. There are a multitude of emotional scars below the surface. In earlier adult years I saw myself as strong, independent and yes – as a survivor. Somewhere later though, “I” got lost and those positive self-assessments were replaced with self-deprecating thoughts and doubts. Thankfully, with time and proper guidance – we grow into a better version of our younger selves. (I think I’m grasping the familiar quote “youth is wasted on the young.”) Priorities change, perspectives mature and we become more comfortable in our own flawed skin and aging bodies. This is not a stretch at all – the scars on my body and below my skin, are souvenirs from challenges and injuries overcome… and I’m profoundly grateful for what each represents.
3 years ago, in tears…I said to my therapist, “I’m an
enabler… I’ve enabled too many people in my life...and they’ve all hurt me in
some way.” His attitude changed, and
his voice got more stern than “comforting.” Looking directly at me, he said… “STOP!
YOU
ARE A SURVIVOR! I know what you’ve
been through. You’ve always done what
was necessary for survival. You’re still
here….yes, you need to recover, yes - you need time to heal, but YOU ARE STILL HERE.”
Those words were not
a healing salve; they were electrifying shocks from an AED that revived a dying
heart and crushed spirit. Dr. P’s words, and many sessions of working through a
bunch of CRAP were all crucial to moving forward, and healing.
I’ve survived a lot. (Seriously,
my life has a strange “Lifetime Movie” vibe.) Scars are another example
of redemption. Nothing that we journey through – regardless of how, or
why… is wasted, unless we waste it. I’m thankful for every blemish. Each prompts recollection of an unrequested, painful, yet ultimately, cherished experience. Each tells a bit of the story of how “I”
became the “Me” that exists today.
Lastly, each
imperfection serves as a reminder of a responsibility to others - drawn from the
well of experience that has been only mine to partake. Lessons learned - must be shared. Encouragement received – must be
passed on to others. (Encouragement
coming from someone who has navigated similar trials is a great comfort to a
suffering friend…I’ve been on both ends of the equation.)
Don’t waste scars...redeem them.
Here's an overview of my "Wonderland Memo Board."
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Physical Souvenir
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Origin
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Read more of the
story here:
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1. Boomerang shaped Scar on top of head. Barely visible nowadays.
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Hit by a car at the
age of 15 – the giant gash on my head was from a road sign that my head
clipped as I was catapulted through the air…
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more on the accident that almost ended my life…but
ultimately brought many physical changes
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2. On my neck – barely visible
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Total Thyroidectomy (pre-cancerous
tumor)
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(wow
– I forgot how corny that was… must’ve been the Percocet.)
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3. Right Humerus – Metal Plate
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Same pedestrian
accident as #1
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Another perspective on the same accident…years later
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4. Early detected breast cancer
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3 different occurrences over 5 years
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5. Early detected breast cancer
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No chemo/radiation
necessary
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6. Early detected breast cancer
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3 lumpectomies w/extensive margins
removed due to atypical hyperplasia
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7. Emergency
C-Section
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My favorite scar of
all… -> -> ->
-> ->
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8. Left Wrist – Quarter size/shaped
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Also from the pedestrian accident
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This scar used to be far more evident
and I literally wore a watch for the sole purpose of covering it… now it only
shows up vividly if I’m in the sun…
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9. Right pelvic bone///bone graft
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Same pedestrian
accident as #1
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10. Right Big Toe/Pins (bunion!)
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Delayed injury from years of ballet
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Metal parts in right arm & right foot/Bionic Woman!
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11. Left arch – (this is the souvenir of youth
& stupidity)
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Stepped on broken
glass on dance floor
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Too much liquid
courage as a barely 18 year old
college student at O’Malley’s in Athens with friends… (It was bleeding so
much I thought someone spilled a red slushy on my sandals… not fun.)
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