Behind the Walls: My Experience in Prison (names and details of inmates changed)

One week ago today, I had the experience of going to prison.  Prison was never high on my list of “must see places” but in recent years – Sunday morning conversations with a sweet couple at church left me feeling otherwise.  For whatever reason, opportunities in the recent past came and went – and I was unavailable.  A few months ago, this same dear couple told me about the chance to meet face to face with Georgia inmates in an all-female facility – the weekend of Mother’s Day.  Almost in an instant, I knew God was saying, “NOW IS THE TIME.”  I completed the necessary paperwork, paid the registration fee and added May 11^th to the calendar. 

The first person with whom I shared a truly meaningful encounter was *Jessica.  When I asked if she wanted to sit down next to me in the pavilion – she looked cynical, and surprised.  I scooted over and patted the bench to my left for her to sit.  She quickly said, “Wow – am I allowed to sit next to you?”  At first, I was a bit uncomfortable thinking she perceived me as snobby (a frequently misapplied label to those of us who lay low and tend to be reserved.)  Everything about this moment was outside of my comfort zone, but we continued to chat.  When I asked for her name, she replied with her last name.  When pressed again, she said, “you want my first name? no one calls me by my first name – not since I got here in January.”   She gave me her name and then followed up with “wow, I’m used to being treated like a sub-human.”  

“Jessica” and I continued to chat at length about her family life, about her children, where she grew up, how she feels like a total worthless reject, and how she perceives her future.  As she filled in life details – I realized we aren’t so different.  We have experienced similar hurts and eerily parallel family struggles, but with far different outcomes.  She talked about recently trying to take her life behind bars -  that pierced my heart and flooded my eyes with tears for the first of many times.  Honestly, I have no idea what she did that led her to prison, but she’s a young mom who is now apart from her children.  This sweet, beautiful young woman shared how she is worth nothing now that she is behind bars and she elaborated on how she perceives God views  her –  suggesting that He has even written her off.  She grew up with a performance based faith and didn’t grasp the gift of salvation through Jesus alone. Gratefully, she prayed at the end of our conversation to receive Jesus as her Lord and Savior, and she signed up for a prison based Bible Study/discipleship group. Jessica didn’t tell me about the crime that led to her incarceration and I didn’t ask.  I could look up her offense online, but I don’t want to know.  The truth of the matter is we are all just one poor decision away from being where “Jessica” is now.  Even more significantly, whatever infraction(s) in her past, the slate has now been wiped clean and she will spend eternity in Heaven. For now, I encouraged her to share her new faith with her son when she gets the next phone call….and beyond.

“Amanda” was another young woman with a profoundly moving story.  She had grown up in an affluent home – always in church, leading worship, with parents in church leadership, and an adult sibling now serving as a pastor.  Scripture isn’t and never was foreign to her. Songs of praise and worship are well emblazoned in her mind.  She even told me about her young child singing some of the same songs for her on “video visits”.  “Amanda” knew all the right answers from the beginning – but as she told me the course she took, she made it clear that she had deviated from what she knew to be “the way” and through exotic dancing, drugs, and other related crimes, she now finds herself behind bars.  She’s another mom separated from her three children who are being raised by other family members. 

As our visit continued, she shared painful experiences from her past – and as in the case of “Jessica” – we have wounds in common.  Furthermore, in talking we discovered a Christian couple that we both know.  This is a couple who, in her words - treated her like a daughter, had been loving and supportive and tried to help her get her act together.  What are the chances of such a meeting taking place we both thought?  Again, tears streaming….down her cheek and mine.  This was most definitely a God-ordained meeting, and far from “chance.”  At her request, I shared with our mutual “friends” that through the Celebrate Recovery program in prison – she had gotten over her hurts and addictions.  She has given her life to the Lord and is a completely new person…while she had the knowledge necessary to walk in freedom before, she lacked a true relationship with Jesus Christ – the ONLY way we can experience eternity in Heaven. 

Ironically, it took “Amanda” being behind bars to experience true and lasting freedom.  As we wrapped up, it was clear that her prison time, a consequence to numerous bad choices, was wildly and powerfully redeemed by God.  He had used the time behind bars as a way to protect her and even her children from the continued downward spiral into crime and victimization.  Through her prison sentence, she is now able to positively impact others behind bars for the Kingdom of God.  She is looking forward to being out in a matter of months – back with her children.  She has a job lined up and she plans to share her story of redemption with others, giving God the glory.  In a strange way, she is grateful for the khaki jumpsuit and constant monitoring….otherwise; her story would have likely ended far more tragically. She has a hope for the future – where hope once was void.  

One week after the fact, I’m still in complete awe over the entire prison experience.    “Jessica” and “Amanda” are just two of the many women whose lives God allowed to intersect with mine.  In talking with all these ladies, I exited the prison gates Saturday evening realizing that those of us on the outside aren’t necessarily so different than those on the inside.  As I had shared a few times throughout the day, it’s also apparent that many of us are imprisoned by bars and razor wire that others can’t see, but we know the reality daily.  We may not be wearing khaki jumpsuits with names and numbers on the breast pocket – but many of us are in bondage to abusive parents, spouses or extended family.  Some of us are imprisoned by bitterness and an unwillingness to forgive.  Others of us are enslaved to pornography, drugs, alcohol, the “American dream”, the need for approval, etc.  Some of us are held captive by long-held secrets.   In short, I got to know several women behind the bars of Georgia’s largest all-women correctional facility that know and experience “true and lasting freedom”   while I have friends, neighbors and family members who are in bondage – but freely roaming.   

To go a step further, before we give our lives to the Lord, we are all in bondage of another kind:  Pride within us – causing us to think we “don’t need a savior”.  We are reluctant to surrender control of our lives to the Holy Spirit….what would be the fun of that???  We are so focused on ourselves, our needs, desires, preferences, comfort, and our delight – that we don’t want to relinquish the power to choose and act on “what feels good”.    Some of us have salvation, yet don’t experience the freedom that is fully available to us through making Jesus the Lord of our lives:  freedom from strongholds, freedom from ourselves….and freedom from eternal Hell are so accessible! (Matthew 1:18-25; Matthew 9-9:13 & 11:28; John 14:5-14 & 16:5-15)

I’ll close with a story about an older inmate seated across the table from me in the common area of her “dorm”.  “Estelle” – weathered and worn from years of drug abuse shared much of her story.  She started out by telling me that she needed drugs in order to do anything, in fact: “to have sex, to watch a movie, to cook a meal – anything she did started with using her drug of choice.”   She went on to tell me about her husband, who is also incarcerated.  She told me about her children and grandchildren…and she shared her plans once she is released.  Having been in prison for quite some time, she has missed out on many comforts that most of us take for granted.  She has missed out on sleeping next to her husband nightly and she has missed the grandchildren’s games, awards ceremonies and birthdays.   She says to me, “Honey, God is sooooooo Good!”   She continued, “There are days that I wake up here and I DO NOT want to get out of bed and face the day, but I have learned to pray before letting my feet hit the floor.  I ask God for guidance and direction …and every day HE guides me and leads me.  Jesus walks with me.  God is sooooo good!  I have HIV and I could be dead – I feel really good.  There is an end to this sentence in sight and I will be with my family again.  He has given me great friends in here (pointing to the lady to my left) and He is with me.  My sentence could have been worse than it was…. And you know what?  There isn’t a thing on my rap sheet that I’m not guilty of.  I deserve WORSE…. While serving time, I have spent so much time in His word, so much time in prayer.  He is with me like never before!”

After hearing “Estelle” go on about the goodness of God, I shook my head in agreement.  Now, “Estelle” you know what I heard you say? You said that before you were locked up, you used drugs to start your day, to start every task, even to watch a movie – now I hear you say, that before you get up in the morning, you start it all with Him!  She smiled that big smile again and said, “God is sooooo good to me.”  I responded by telling her that some people would think it’s quite odd that an elderly woman can sit in prison and praise God for His goodness….but I totally get it.  (Side note: This woman, in spite of everything - had the most joyful and magnetic smile - so properly punctuating her praise!)

Last summer I went to Trinidad expecting God to use me to minister to the hearts of ladies there, instead I came back feeling that God had used all of them to touch MY heart and life.  Admittedly, prison has been the same way.  “God is sooooo good!”   The next opportunity to go to prison with Bill Glass Ministries is this fall….Rest assured, I’ll be going back!

To Him be the glory.

 

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