"Words with Friends"

A few months ago, I added the “Words with Friends” app to my Ipad.  An immediate addiction to this game ensued. (User Name tawnda22, by the way!)  Throughout the day, I will “take a turn” on breaks, while waiting in the doctor’s office, before heading out the door, and often – just before going to sleep.  The slight addiction has been justified  in knowing that “word games” are good for the brain long term , decreasing the odds of Alzheimer’s, Dementia, etc. 

“Words with Friends” has another application too.  It’s one that doesn’t require an Ipad/Iphone, etc.  It only requires a participant to have a tongue, and one or more is required to have an ear.  This “real life” app can either build up or tear down another.  It can breed trust or can reveal a complete lack of trustworthiness.  This app can enhance relationships and more quickly, it can destroy them.  Let’s face it –  words are powerful. 

When I was 13, “3 Way Calling” was becoming popular.  One afternoon, a good friend of mine called, as was typical.   She went through a series of questions regarding a mutual friend - tricking me into saying something unflattering about our friend’s mother, regarding her appearance (specifically, the way her eye glasses looked on her.)  No sooner than the immature and hurtful words left my mouth, I learned our mutual friend had been on the call listening, the entire time.  I felt horribly violated by both of them but a bit guilty for allowing myself to say something critical.  Since that early life lesson I’ve tried to conduct all phone calls as though there is another party on the line - hearing every word. 

When we apply “Words” in our intimate relationships and within our families, we have the power to enrich and encourage those closest to us. Conversely, we can tear down and scar the very people we love most.  Growing up as a firstborn, my mother used to tell me that I was an accident, that she didn’t want a child when I came along (that actually explains a lot - for another day!)  Whether or not she meant it, she would often compound the hurt by talking about how badly she wanted her other children  and how pleasantly surprised she was to find out she was pregnant with her last, after being told she’d not have any more kids. Those words, often spoken, hurt me as a little girl.  For years, I felt unwanted, unloved, rejected - an outcast in my own family.   As a result, I’ve ALWAYS been very careful of the words used with my children.

We use our words to influence peers regarding restaurants, movies, books, and even other people.  Knowing that “word of mouth” carries weight, we should sense an added degree of personal responsibility.  A few months ago, “a friend” shared a negative comment concerning me - with a third party, not realizing that the “third party” is also my friend.  Fortunately, that person came to me and shared the exchange.  It hurt – but instead of allowing it to continue, I pursued clarification and confrontation - then offered forgiveness.  This isn’t the first time someone has shared a fallacy, which should be a caution to all of us when we hear something said of others.  Just because someone “says it” – it’s not necessarily true.

Another way “words with friends” can destroy  is when a close friend or confidante shares something deeply private about us - that we shared within the confines of friendship.  Most likely, this has happened to everyone; embarrassing for us – revealing of others.   We must carefully discern who we are entrusting the intimate details of our lives with  - is it someone that we know freely broadcasts the private matters of others?  uh... my lips would be sealed if the answer is yes.

A few examples of how I’ve been hurt by the words of others are listed, but it would be disingenuous  to omit my own shortcomings.  More than once, I’ve been guilty of verbalizing unwarranted and uninvited valuations of others’ performance, childrearing, fashion don’ts, and so forth.  Worse, in “lively discussions” with my dear husband, I’ve been guilty of applying words that would only serve to hurt him – not moving toward resolution, but adding fuel to an already kindled fire. 

 Above, I shared of a friend unknowingly saying something about me to a third friend, but I left out one detail:  In raw emotion, frustrated and hurt – guess who repeated the sordid details of this drama with ANOTHER trusted friend?  Yep, me.  The next day, feeling convicted – I asked for his forgiveness of the very word infraction that had wounded me.    A few minutes of self-righteousness often precede a humbling blunder - in my world!

It’s been said that our thoughts determine our words, and our words determine our actions.  We have got to capture our thoughts and not let them run rampant – spilling over into careless words that wound others.  Winston Churchill said, “We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.”  Prayerfully, I’ll become a greater master of the unsaid.

Taming the Tongue (James 3:1-12)

3:1 Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. 2 For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. 3 If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. 4 Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.
How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, [1] and set on fire by hell. [2] 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, [3] these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

Marinade

My husband is an absolute genius when it comes to grilling.  The “Green Egg” was perhaps the best gift my children and I have ever given him.  It’s great not only because he enjoys cooking on the Egg, but we all enjoy the fruits of his labor!  When he is marinating steaks for our weekly Sunday dinner, I love to open the refrigerator – the aroma of garlic, Worcestershire, soy sauce, red wine and lemon waft out of the marinade bowl and into the kitchen.  My mouth waters at the thought!  Through his years of mastering the art of grilling – I’ve learned a little about marinades.  First and foremost – the longer the meat is immersed in the marinade – the better the flavor is locked in, penetrating every savory bite.

It may seem like a stretch, but we humans can be compared to a thick, juicy ribeye.  Think about it, no matter where you are – or who you’re with, you’re being "seasoned" by external factors: people, media, literature, etc.  Yours may be an environment that yields a positive overall “flavor”,  then again the opposite may be true.   

At the age of 17, on the first day of Psych 101, I heard my professor, Dr. Noble share a seemingly meaningless platitude.  He said, “The two things that will influence you most in life are the books you read and the people you associate with.”  At the time – I just thought it was another of countless “cute phrases” often spouted by adults.  However – this particular gem has never left my thoughts. 

 I shared this insight with all three of my children as they entered the highly critical teen years – more than once.  From a mom’s perspective - it was glaringly obvious that hanging out with a group of “hellians” led to negative behaviors, attitudes and consequences.  Conversely, spending time with Godly friends – and studying God's word and other  “good” literature vs. garbage – most often led to exemplary behaviors, outlooks and reward. 

It’s much easier to see “cause and effect” in our children’s lives – but if we do a bit of self-examination as adults – I believe the same holds true.  We aren’t exempt from negative influences around us the minute we turn 18, 25 or even 40.  Saturating ourselves with persons who hold radically opposing beliefs, values and ideals – is a slippery slope (especially for “followers” and “pleasers”.)  It’s easy to begin rationalizing others’ behavior and often only a matter of time before the same negative behaviors and actions become our own.  Our pastor has quoted another individual as saying “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”  PURE GENIUS! (and with similar meaning to Dr. Noble’s quote.)

Bottom line, we are immersing ourselves in a “marinade” of sorts – daily.  The longer we are soaking in it – the more intensely it will season every aspect of our lives.  We ought to be as intentional as we’d desire our children to be when it comes to evaluating our friends, and other external influences – including the literature. 

Surroundings are influencing each of us - like it or not.  We just have to ask ourselves if we like the way our lives are being flavored...and then be intentional about necessary adjustments.  

If we look around at our friends - do we desire to have a future much like we see theirs?

 T

*Note:  This, in no way,  indicates we shouldn’t rub shoulders with persons who’ve gone astray.  We are called to be a light in a dark world…you can’t really be a light to others if you’re only spending time in a “well lit” area.  We should be the Hands and Feet of Jesus to ALL people….

A Mistake?

With Congressman Weiner dominating the media this week – I’ve been reminded of an earlier observation from years of living in a world full of fallible people, myself not excluded.  A psychologist I am not, but it does seem logical that one can often gauge the compunction of an offender by the way an “apology” is phrased.  Let’s use Weiner/Clinton/Schwarzenegger/Woods as examples.  All have had the embarrassment of widely publicized sexual offenses - no need to expand on details.  We, the public, have heard them each confess to “making a mistake (or in some cases – “mistakes.”)  Did they really make a mistake?  I don’t see it that way.  These men made intentional choices - decisions to commit acts which would knowingly harm their wives and children, while bringing widespread and long lasting humiliation to all involved. 

Like each of my friends, I’ve been wronged by many people.  The ones who have elicited the most pain, interestingly enough, have at times said those same words to me.  “I made a mistake/we made mistakes.”   I tend to think these persons are less remorseful and more or less just “busted”. 

Which person would you believe is truly repentant – the one who says:  “I am so sorry that I made the decision to (fill in the blank) , knowing that my actions would cause you pain.”  OR: “I made a mistake – can’t we just get past it?”  I’d rather have someone “own” their action than to blow it off as a   “mistake”.  A mistake is turning left at the traffic light instead of turning right.  A mistake is unknowingly calling someone by the wrong name. A mistake is adding numbers in your head incorrectly.  “A poor choice” or “selfish decision” more accurately describes the behaviors referenced in this post.  

Assigning the label “mistake” to a choice to repeatedly abuse/neglect a child or a spouse – is hugely inaccurate;  Making the choice to leave one’s spouse/children to indulge selfish desires is not a mistake.  It’s a bold pronouncement of self-centeredness – it’s a value statement;  Years spent stealing, lying, and manipulating others - are not years that were laden with “mistakes”.  They were years of life in which numerous poor, unethical, immoral decisions were acted upon.

Think about it – when someone willfully hurts you - do you want them to attribute it to a careless blunder or claim it for what it actually is?  On the flipside, we cannot authentically repent of our hurtful, willful acts against others without claiming ownership of our actions and the consequences they bring.  Be truly “sorry” for hurting another person - don’t just be “sorry” you were caught or exposed.

It’s especially hard for me – with my personality, to admit being wrong.  However, owning our “stuff” will likely make us more compassionate when others fall from grace.  We’ll also have more credibility with family and friends.   Humble, remorseful ownership of our negative actions will probably make us more approachable.  Let’s face it – nobody’s perfect. It’s actually refreshing and freeing when we and others ADMIT our failings, rather than hide behind the guise of a “mistake.”

t

Ezekiel 18:30-31

Oprah? Really?

Along with millions of other viewers, I watched the final episodes of Oprah last week. It seemed like the obvious thing to do since I’ve watched “Oprah” regularly for most of my adult life. Besides, this was to be television history! However, while watching star-studded Day 1 of the Farewell Show, I became “unsettled.” This was idolatry to the nth degree.


No one can take away from the fact that Oprah has done amazing things to benefit children and adults in the US and in Africa. She has elevated awareness of many diseases which plague our country. She has been a voice for abuse victims. Clearly, she had donated more money to non-profit organizations than many will make in a lifetime. BUT….she is just HUMAN. The way that some viewers are going on and on about her impending absence from daytime TV – well, it’s as if they look at her like she is Jesus.


Speaking of Jesus, I was surprised to hear His name mentioned on the very final show. I don’t know where she “stands” with Jesus. Some of her shows and books she’s recommended lead me to think she’s far, far away from Him – but I cannot say for sure. No one can truly know the heart of another, but God. My “discomfort” during the final episodes was not a result of Oprah herself, but stemmed from the obvious vacuum in our culture.


For instance, a young girl spoke out in the first half of the finale. She indicated that she’d watched Oprah with her mother for some time…but that her mother died and she knew for certain that her mom would WANT her to continue watching Oprah. Really? I’m saddened for the little girl. When I die, I pray the legacy that I leave for my daughters is far more meaningful and lasting than shared tv time. Dakota Fanning also spoke up around this same time, backed by several young girls who all purported to be “Oprah Babies.” Gag me.


There have been reports of women going into depression over this change in afternoon tv. Some have said they feel “hopeless” and don’t know what they’re going to do without her.” I heard a viewer on a news program say that she was distraught and that “no one could ever replace Oprah”. Well, there is someone who can fill the void, heal their pain, and do so, so, so much more than Oprah could possibly attain in her lifetime. Here are just a couple of quick comparisons…


She launched careers of: Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Nate Berkus, Rachael Ray and Suze Orman.
HE launched the careers of countless fishers of men; and even made possible a blissful retirement when we leave this world.


She gave audience members refrigerators, sweaters, spanks, Kindles and even cars from time to time.
HE gave mankind His life…in exchange for all sin, HE gave us access to The Father, and HE lavishes His people with Love.


“The Oprah Effect” – turns little known names into well known names.
“The Jesus Effect” – turns sinners into Saints.


She recommended a total of 65 books via the “Oprah Book Club”…including “The Secret”, “A New Earth” and “Discover the Power within You.”
HE recommends 66. They are full of wisdom, insight, beauty, comfort, justice. They contain answers for life.


Her Nicknames include: “O”; “The Queen of Daytime”; “The Queen of Media”
HIS Nicknames include: “Alpha and Omega”; “King of Kings”; “Bread of Life”; “Counselor”; “Mediator”; “The Good Shepherd”; “Deliverer”; “The Lamb of God”; “Light of the World”….and many, many others.


She exposed, discussed and sometimes downplayed certain sins, while speaking our harshly against others.
HE is grieved by any and all sin; views the actions of a murderer no differently than those of a thief; has made total forgiveness possible for all sinners


She has been available at 4pm, Mon-Fri, for 25 years. (But now we also have her email address!)
HE is available 24/7 – without commercial interruption and no storms can knock out the signal either…in fact, that’s when He’s most loud and clear.



Doesn’t it seem sad that a Human is being worshipped in a manner more fitting of a Savior? That was the reason for my discomfort last week. Clearly, many have credited O with miracles. They have learned to look upon her for guidance and some sense of “comfort.” It’s my hope that many of these distraught individuals will now begin to seek the One, true Counselor.


Wouldn’t it be great if our society placed more emphasis on the “King of Kings” than on the “Queen of Daytime”? Wouldn’t it be great if for just one day – Christian celebrities showed up at an arena to share their encounters with Jesus? And the non-celebrities from all over the world, would speak out about and celebrate the incredible miracles they have witnessed firsthand? Wouldn’t this be a better place to live? Wouldn’t there be less despair? Fewer placing false hope in the temporal – and real, lasting hope in the eternal?


Oprah’s last words on her very final episode were, “To God be the Glory”. I hope her final sentiment starts ringing true for all who viewed television history.

Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY...



Outside my window...hostas abound...the hydrangeas are blooming.


I can hear... birds chirping/kittens meowing.


I am thinking...it would be such a relief if a particular individual I love deeply, would change paths...and stop worrying about "the wrong things" and moving away from those who tend to be negative influences.

I am thankful... my children know I was there to help with homework K-12 (not just show up for graduation), Take care of them when they were sick (even the 3am cleanups), hold their hands while getting stitches, shots, etc., teach them about faith (not undermine and trivialize it), provide guard rails for the teen years (instead of encouraging lying, cheating, promiscuity, and general deviation from family values), that I will always have the memories of daily carpool, late night baseball games, girl scout camps, potty training, family vacations, field trips, room mom duties, tennis lessons, 10pm "outings" for Jane Austen books/movies/poster board, etc. (due the following morning), for the memories of college orientations, moving daughters in to dorms, late night talks about love and life, special birthday traditions, the opportunity to take my son to the Recruiter's office the rainy afternoon he left for Parris Island/the hugs we shared after boot camp graduation, the days, laughs, and hugs we all shared leading to deployment, the angel still sleeping downstairs - who in many ways - saved my life, chorus concerts, violin lessons, batting lessons, trips to Disney, to the beach, Six Flags, White Water, Stone Mountain, messy rooms, chicken pox, trick-or-treating, teaching them to drive, falling from trees, American Girl Dolls, the closeness enjoyed with all 3, the opportunity to comfort my oldest while in labor, the Wednesday "chore days", to see them fall in and out of love, mono (x2), beanie babies, "pretty, pretty princess", "Guess Who", Four-Square in the street, the "time out chair", the struggles, the ups, the downs, the good days and the hard ones...they were all worth it. The words "Mom/Mommy/Momma" are a blessing to my soul, for they are out of love and not obligation. Being a mom has been the hardest and simultaneously most rewarding and enjoyable "job" I've ever held - one that I'd gladly do again. I'm forever THANKFUL for this lifelong journey....every aspect of it!


From the kitchen...nothing cooking in my kitchen tonight, no one will be home. 


I am wearing...a khaki dress and really, really cool, strappy heels.

 I am creating... photo albums , scrapbooks...(always), a household project binder, and a newly organized coupon system. (YAY!)

 I am going... to Lilburn for a planning meeting for my mil's 80th birthday party.

 I am reading..."Four Days in November", "Decision Point",  "True Compass"...in addition to the Bible, and daily devotional readings.  (Interesting, all 3 are political in nature....just a coincidence)

  I am hoping...for a large block of quiet time this weekend... will need to be intentional about it given all the activity we have.


I am praying...that Britt will quickly raise her support for Brazil, that Tyler's boots don't touch ground any time soon, and that Bryce will be able to spend a week with Mimi this summer. 

 Around the house... it's time for me to gather more donations - a charitable organization is coming by tomorrow morning which is always a great motivator.

  One of my favorite things is...knowing that when I go home to an "empty house" some days, there are two adorable little felines there to greet me.

 A few plans for the rest of the week... Party planning, celebrating a dear friend's birthday, spending time in the yard with WGH this weekend, graduation parties and a long overdue dinner with friends.  (Oh yes, and some "intentional" rest!)

Here is picture for thought I am sharing…


Wishing one of the dearest people in the world to me a very happy birthday!  I know the coming year will be full of many, many more laughs, a few more tears, lots of hugs, smiles, hours of chatting, dancing, 80s music, wine and maybe a martini or 2.  (Perhaps a peditini night in our near future!)  I love you BZ and am so grateful you are in our lives - you're better than a sister and forever will be my friend.  Happy Birthday! 

t








To join in and participate with your own daybook, please check out the hostess site at http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Backyard Applications to Life #2: Steel Magnolias (aka "Bloom where you're Planted")

Standing at the kitchen sink, we’ve got the perfect view of a teeny Magnolia tree. We have several in our yard, but this particular one is “special.” She has a unique, seemingly random beginning.  A few years ago, following a storm – I noticed a branch from one of our older Magnolias had randomly fallen and was sticking straight up, out of the ground. It’s not a spot we’d walk normally, so the only time I thought about it was on occasion as my eyes and mind wandered while cleaning the kitchen. With the intention of removing the branch (somewhat an eyesore)  from the soil and adding to our kindling – I was shocked to discover the branch had grown a random leaf. Intrigued that a displaced, windblown, solitary branch would actually breed new life - I decided against disturbing the peculiar placement. "Fast forward", 2-3 years later and our little renegade Magnolia is taller than me. “She” is perched between a young, skinny oak and a pine tree that stands several stories above our rooftop. This strange trio is definitely not part of our landscape design – but serves as a reminder of our ability to thrive if we cooperate with our own "providential placement." This little tree reminds me of my own life….and friends of mine can probably also relate.

I had a plan… a five year plan, a ten year plan, etc. When I graduated from high school, I intended to get my degree in four years, establish a career, get married around 25-26, start a family consisting of 2 children around 30, stay home and bake cookies until they were grown, etc. That “was” my plan. Instead – at 26 I was married – twice, and with three children. Interestingly, this has worked out SOOO much better than my own forecasted life map. I’m so grateful that God didn’t give me the life I wanted, but instead He orchestrated something so wonderful I didn’t know TO want it.


For several years, I thought “Bloom where you’re Planted” was just a cutesy Mary Englebreit phrase. (Attributable to the refrigerator magnet.) Now, it’s obvious that this phrase illustrates a philosophy authored by God. Throughout scripture, there are countless examples of people in unforeseen circumstances – who, because they “bloomed” where they were appointed – glorified the Name of God . (Joseph, Esther, David, Mary…the list goes on and on.)

For us today, we may find ourselves in a situation that we never dreamt a reality for us: We may be single; dealing with illness or loss; a prodigal child(ren); broken relationships; financial restraints, etc. We ALL have something we’re dealing with. Life may seem “perfect” for some – but if you could get an unfiltered look below the surface – blemishes would surely be visible.

Instead of whining, comparing, and longing for a life that isn’t ours – we should focus on the many blessings we HAVE been given. Let’s face it – if we are reading a blog post – at a minimum, we have sight; ability to read and comprehend. We have many modern conveniences and protection against the elements. Just this short list makes us incredibly more fortunate than most of the world's population. An attitude of contentment is beautiful….and magnetic.

Perhaps you’re not where you had hoped to be right now. Maybe you’ve experienced a backslide due to decisions you wish you could reverse. Wherever you are, do all that you’re doing with a spirit of excellence. Instead of dwelling on your own “issues” – make it a point to love others. Pray and encourage those God brings into your life. Sometimes, your own, unique God story is the best way to encourage another.  We all have one.

Wherever we find ourselves "planted", we ought to seek God’s perfect will for our life and follow the plan HE has for us…for His plan is to give us a future and a hope. (Jer 29:11) We should wake up each day – grateful for our own breath, for the opportunities that await us, and even for the challenges we’ll face which will ultimately make us stronger – able to “bloom” in the most unlikely of places.

Maybe “Steel Magnolias” is more than just a great movie title….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the LORD, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. (Psalm 1:1-3)

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. (1 Corinthians 7:17)

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

t

Backyard Applications to Life #1 - Roses and those Pesky Thorns

The last couple of weeks have afforded several hours of "outdoor reflection"... While sitting on the deck or even working in the yard - I've noticed there are ample metaphors that apply to human life. 



While my Mother-in-law is very involved in her Garden Club, and my sister-in-law is a floral guru as well, my knowledge of plantlife is derived from the little pointed "markers" that accompany new plant purchases; a Month-by-month Georgia Gardening book; and of course - Google.

Not long ago, a friend of mine pointed out that in every room of my house - "roses" are a part of the decor...I doubted her at first and then looked around only to realize that she was astute in her assessment.  Somewhere along the way, I've unknowingly developed an affinity to these thorned beauties.  So, it seems only appropriate that the first application point "stem" from roses. 

 

Roses are beautiful and yes, full of thorns.  My husband can testify to this as he ended up with thorns stuck in his scalp a week ago while transplanting a rose bush for me. I've experiened my share of prickle-related pain while cutting and arranging.  Quick research indicates that the sweeter smelling the rose - the more thorns present.  The thorns offer protection to the petals and foliage.  If not for thorns, herbivores would have consumed them all - leaving none for us to enjoy today. 

 

 

In this analogy - we are like Roses. We're given "thorns/trials" as we go through life - as a protection, and to "perfect" us. Nothing we do leads to our thorn supply, they're simply guaranteed to all Believers. Sometimes it seems, like with roses, the "sweeter the aroma" - the more we get. (The thorns here aren't the same as consequences, that's a different "application" altogether.) Thorns simply occur. In my earlier years, I foolishly thought that God had already given me more than my share and that surely, a "lengthy, thorn-free break" was coming...it didn't. There was a time when I was actually a little put out with God and decided that the "thorns" had to be a result of poor decisions. My goal was to "do" everything so flawlessly and perfectly that I could avoid those pesky, prickly accoutrements. That didn't work either... We can't "outsmart" or manipulate God into giving us a leisurely stroll through life.  

Finally, the realization that we should "Count it all joy when we face various trials" - makes sense. Like thorns on a rose, the trials we experience on Earth offer protection against the enemy as our perseverance is developed and our faith perfected.

 

It's just another way to look at our own pesky "thorns".  We may hurt temporarily, but in the long run - it will be so worth it!  I'm hopeful that as the next prickly season begins (which I think it has) - that my attitude will be one of trust and gratitude, because ultimately - in spite of the pain, it will be benefical in the long run.

 

 

 

(Romans 5:3) More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance.

(James 1:12) -  Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

(1 Peter 1:6) - In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by  

various trials.

all photos taken by me...in my back yard, of course.

Always thinking of you, Tyler.

"Spring Cleaning"

As said before, I should never cease to be amazed by the wondrous and unexpected ways the Lord sometimes speaks to my heart.  In fact, just this past week - He's actually been opening my eyes to some areas requiring modification...and He's been speaking to me in my "OCD"!

My innate tendency is to "clean and organize".  Granted, there are days when, if you looked in my closets, cabinets or office - you'd be surprised to hear that.  I crave order and get excited about organization tools and tricks.  However, given the busyness of life, priorities and seemingly waning energy - my home may sometimes be found in a state of disarray - rest assured, if that's the case, you'll find me in the same condition. 

One of my greatest organizational triumphs in recent months was consolidating 375 dvds into one large binder.  The DVDs are catalogued in a corresponding spreadsheet, along with film ratings, genre, cast/content notes and the page number on which the movie may be found. With all humility, I must admit - it's fairly genius! :)  When the family wants to watch a specific movie - it's exciting to know the precise location - and to avoid a multi-room search. 

Beyond my "wiring" - this gorgeous Atlanta weather has inspired a couple of big organization/simplification endeavors.  The frustrating part is that you deal with a temporary "bigger-than-before-MESS" midway through the process. In this week's endeavors, my closest friends - both at home and at the office, have been shredders and scanners.  Scanning is AMAZING - and is helping to rid life of piles of unnecessary paper.  It's one of the greatest technological advances from the perspective of an organization freak!

In the progression of decluttering files and desk drawers - I came across two interesting and revealing folders.  One was a "CYA" folder containing documents from more than a decade ago.  Another was a "Just in case something bigger comes of this" folder - containing emails, letters, and my own handwritten, detailed notes documenting grievances with a couple of family members...and with a supposed friend. My thinking was that I may need "proof" to back up legal arguments some day, or to prove someone wrong in their hasty and non-discerning judgments and assessments.  Maybe my sweet husband is on to something when he tells me "you've always got to be right."  

First and foremost, I have forgiven all the people involved and never want to embody a bitter spirit toward them or anyone.  There is no desire for revenge - no wish for vigilante justice, no wish for harm of any kind to come their way. Bottom line, we are all accountable for our actions and attitudes - managing our own is a "full time job"...we can't realistically expect to direct the behaviors of others!   

Forgiveness doesn't assume restoration of relationship but it definitely frees the injured party...it took me a long time to "get that".  It's interesting though, while not dwelling on past infractions - things happen that can pull back a scab you didn't know existed, leading to serious self examination and sometimes the whole process of forgiveness again.  That's what happened today....

While flipping through the contents of multiple files,  some of the harsh words and reminders of past actions, came into view. Beforehand, those recollections were far from mind...and definitely, far from my heart.  Holding on to the "evidence" only served as an impromptu reminder and a catalyst to tears streaming down my face...tears that didn't exist moments prior.  

The Holy Spirit convicted me of my own "judgment", and my need to be "right" in the eyes of man.  Those documents only served as a painful reminder to me.  The offenders didn't even know the data existed.  Surely, Satan would prefer that those folders, toxic only to myself, remain in my drawer for his future merriment. They are now confetti.  Even though the transgressions spoken of were not at all on my mind before this afternoon, after shredding them - I somehow felt "lighter."  Spring Cleaning feels good - on so many levels!



As the 2011 "Spring Cleaning" continues in my home and at the office... it will continue in my personal walk with Him, as well.  What other thoughts and patterns do I need to purge?  What else needs to be removed from my life and "given away" in order to make room for peace and for true, lasting beauty? 

Love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; (Luke 6:35-37)

______________________________________________

"The most creative power given to the human spirit is the power to heal the wounds of a past it cannot change."

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey."

"We do not forgive because we are supposed to; we forgive when we are ready to be healed."

"Waiting for someone to repent before we forgive is to surrender our future to the person who wronged us."

"When we forgive, we walk in stride with the forgiving God."
                                      
                        (taken from "The Art of Forgiving" by Lewis B. Smedes)










 

Way Beyond the Bend... Lessons from Afghanistan

The first time our eldest daughter drove away from the house with both siblings in tow, is an image that WGH and I will not soon forget. A helpless feeling came over both of us as we stood there and watched until the green minivan with our three most precious blessings, rounded the bend and continued out of view. Feeling so helpless, all we could mutter was “Protect them God.” I’d like to say that this practice of supervising exits from the driveway, becomes less prominent in day to day life; it hasn’t . I honestly think our kids would be shocked to look back in the rearview mirror and not see us standing in the driveway or on the front steps. (Usually, waving a bit like maniacs and, on rare momentous occasions – with bittersweet tears.) What the children don’t realize is that I typically continue to stand in my watchful position as they drive beyond the bend. My responsibility as a mom is to listen for screeching tires and sounds of crunching metal, as they make left hand turns across a busy four-lane road, right? Fortunately, in the seven years of doing this – not once have I heard either horrifying sound. We all know that worry does nothing to circumvent disaster – so I choose to think of this as my motherly duty. If one of my children encountered trouble, I’d just sprint down the street and be there to help in any way possible – and most likely embarrassing them by being in pjs.



Two words that will drive parents to their knees, in a flash are “DRIVER’S LICENSE.” Those words helped me begin the realization, that in spite of all my efforts – I’ve never been fully able to protect my children, and the illusion of any control at all is quickly dissipating. The three times WGH and I have experienced the first solo departures from the driveway have been mere “Baby steps” on this road to the “we are completely without control” realization.


Like most Moms and Dads, we said goodbye to our children at numerous sleepovers, camps, dorms, and mission trip departures, etc. ; but the hardest farewell of all, and the greatest lesson about perceived control came in October 2009. We had spent several days in Topsail, NC – enjoying the last days before Tyler’s first deployment. We optimized every moment, and did all we could to make his last days on US soil, memorable and fun. We rented a great beach house and enjoyed fabulous family time, meaningful conversation, and lots of hugs, tears, and laughs – and eating at all the restaurants of his choice. We completely relished the time together, and we’ll never forget the emotional events of that week.


Nothing, nothing, nothing – could prepare my “mom’s heart” for the poignant goodbye that would take place on that pre-dawn, October morning. As the young men of Tyler’s unit gathered in the parking lot, with their gear tagged and staged, a sobering thought came to mind. From talking to others – I know that same sobering thought invaded their minds as well. Standing in the midst of roughly a 1000 young men, we knew that some of these brave 19-25 year olds would not return to their families. We knew that many would be injured. Every parent was having the same unspoken thoughts – as were many of the marines who were about to embark on a life-changing tour of duty in Afghanistan.  As we stood there hugging, I was praying like crazy - praying that this would not be the last time I was able to hug my sweet boy.  I didn't want to let go of him.  I made a concerted effort to look at him and to "ingrain" that snapshot of his handsome face in my mind forever.  Simply looking at this picture causes tears to well up because the profound emotions that overcame me that day are so easily recalled.

As all of our sons began boarding the buses that would take them to a nearby air base – the tears flowed more heavily, and the sobs grew louder – I don’t think I looked at another face that wasn’t wet with tears. A final round of hugs preceded my son stepping on the bus. Our family, along with others – stood there and watched and prayed as the buses drove out of sight – “just around the bend.”


Like watching my precious son drive out of our neighborhood for the first time, watching him ride away on a bus – heading to war, drove me to the realization that as parents, we only think we have control over our children. There was not a single thing that I could do to help him after he turned out of our neighborhood, and there wasn’t a single thing I could do to protect him as his boots touched Afghanistan soil – but PRAY. I had no more ability to protect him thousands of miles away, than I did to protect him between home and school just a year earlier. As a mom, I want to hold my babies with a tightly clenched fist, but God has shown me that I must hold them with an open hand…and ultimately, they are resting in His.


Tyler was never far from thought. During the months he was deployed, we and so many others, prayed for him continually. Our family experienced prayer support like never before from our church, extended family and from other military families who know and understand deployments. Tyler said on more than one occasion, that he sensed the prayers of others back home. He had close calls, some near misses; while I don’t like to think of those times, they are a harsh reality of war. The hardest thing for me now, is knowing the pain some of my friends are experiencing still today. They did not see their sons step back off the bus at the end of May, instead – their sons gave the ultimate sacrifice.


While none of us understand the mind of God, we have no choice but to trust in Him and in His plan for all of us. I know firsthand that two of the young men who gave their lives, had had an incredible, immeasurable impact on not just their families, but on the eternal lives of other service men, countless friends, and acquaintances. It’s impossible for me to know the pain these parents feel, but I strongly suspect they view the years that their sons were on this Earth as an incredible gift. If they aren’t at that point yet, I pray they’ll get there. These families will remain in my thoughts and prayers, now and forever.


In my humble opinion, “Letting go of our children” goes against our natural instinct. From the beginning, these precious little ones rely on us for protection, nurture and love. It’s why that when we hear words like “driver’s license” or “deployment” – we realize that we’ve been deceived into thinking we have some sort of control. We come face to face with our inability to protect them and our need to depend on God. If we don’t chose to trust in Him, we will likely drive ourselves and everyone around us crazy! In the meantime, fretting will not help our children to navigate what’s “beyond the bend” – be that Johnson Ferry Road or Southern Afghanistan.


As our family prepares for future deployments, we will choose to trust and to rest in the One who knows all things, and sees all things. We cannot take matters into our own hands – even if we tried.  We never know in advance the difficulty that exists just beyond the bend.  However, through reflection on prior difficult seasons, we can see that God is faithful. We must remember those times of trial and more importantly remember the way He met us in our most critical needs.  When trials come - we must trust.





Not a burden we bear,

not a sorrow we share,
but our toil he doth richly repay;
not a grief or a loss,
not a frown or a cross,
but is blest if we trust and obey.
trust and obey, for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus...but to trust and obey.

 

Homecoming - May 2010

All of my favorite people in this one photo!

Life in a Blender - Part I - "Shaken, not stirred"

This post is dedicated to my friends who have begun to navigate the rough waters of “Blended Bliss.” When making the decision myself, I was completely naïve. "This would be a piece of cake, WRONG!!!" Being the Mom of a full-time, blended family has been a long, arduous journey; but, as with anything painstakingly difficult, the journey has ultimately led to phenomenal blessings and reward.


A couple of you are intimately familiar with the horrific details of our early years on this journey. Before we even officially embarked – we were taunted with threats, harassment, stalking and worst of all, my children’s hearts and minds were compromised by vicious, manipulative maneuvers.


If you are just beginning this adventure, rest assured that most people don’t deal with as much lunacy as we have faced. Actually, ours is the most outlandish of examples, all thanks to a woman who has long remained infantile and completely, self-absorbed. The only instances that have seemed more treacherous than our own have been made into Lifetime movies!


So, you’re receiving encouragement from a Mom who has been the target of much ex-inflicted taunting. For instance:


• Numerous threatening and harassing calls, texts and in the early days – infinite “911” pages to our beepers


• Repeated, empty threats of bodily harm and/or suicide


• Once, as she returned the children home following a visit, she hurled a loaf of banana bread at my face (not many people can claim that one.) Granted, we were all thankful she wasn’t carrying a brick at the time of that rant. The kids witnessed the entire mess, so there was no hiding what had just occurred, and I was the one left to soothe their anxieties. To lighten the mood in the minutes that followed – she was dubbed “Banana Bread Woman.”


• BBW exhibited several SWF behaviors: moving into my apartment complex as I moved out; going to work in the same industry I’d been in for years, etc. Once, a friend called me , after seeing her at my child’s school – encouraging me to “watch out” because now she’d dyed her hair to match mine. On several occasions, she told my children, husband – and even me, that since everyone “liked ME so much” – that she was going to become just like me. "They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery" ....but this was all just too creepy.


• One morning, our home phone rang around 6am…the familiar voice on the other end of the line eerily said, “The bed’s comfortable…isn’t it?” My guess is she didn’t realize we’d moved my bed into the house when we married. Still, creepy.


• During the early years when she would often exercise the “every other weekend” visitation – the pickups and drop-offs were almost always fraught with drama. We had to call the police on more than one occasion. There was also a time that after dropping the kids off at home, and leaving - she returned, and walked right into our home. (By the way, this was our second home - she had never lived there; not that having done so would have given her the right to enter - but still, evidence of extreme hatred and audacity.) After we all found her in our den, she proceeded to deliver a speech that concluded with the statement “I do not approve of your Brady Bunch lifestyle!”


• Here’s one that will never leave my recollection. One afternoon, our phone rang…my “hello” was greeted with “Yes, this is --------, the producer of the Montel Williams Show. We would like to fly you and your husband out and bring you to our studio. As I was trying to discern the voice, assuming this had to be a prank – she continued…. “---“ has contacted us and would like you all to be on an upcoming show talking about dysfunctional stepfamilies. The producer asked me to talk to my husband and to get back with her. There was never any “thought” necessary…but a return call to the number provided was verification. This hadn’t been a prank but yet another outlandish act and quest for attention. (It wouldn’t have surprised me at all to pick up the phone again and hear, “This is the Jerry Springer show…”)


• Well, as my children graduated from high school – I thought this chapter of drama was complete. But…NO, in the last 15 months – I’ve been slandered in print – thanks to an article in our local newspaper regarding my son’s deployment and being away from home over Christmas. Given that she lived in another state, no one is sure how she even found out about the article, but it pushed her over the edge. Her posse was actively bashing me on the newspapers’ website and accusations and threats were again flying over Social media. My children discovered these rants – not me. A few months after the newspaper article ran, my son married his beautiful bride. At the wedding, the ex and her entourage proceeded to mark through my name on wedding bulletins, replacing it with her own. (All the while making no shortage of grunts and facial expressions…. I’m surprised they didn’t bring Montel with them!) The beautiful afternoon also included a very unkind tongue lashing from BBW’s mother. It seems that my mere presence is simply a reminder of the selfish choices made by her daughter – which ultimately led to me being “mom” to the children she birthed. Apparently, it’s easier to lash out at the innocent, than to hold the responsible parties accountable.)


Many times I thought to myself, this was more than I bargained for. “This is too hard, this is not right, not fair, too painful – I can’t handle ANY more.” It seemed I was a walking target (not just for banana bread.) Being the mom of a blended family is something no one can understand without firsthand experience. The best advice for someone going through the challenges associated with blended families – great or small is to find someone who has walked the journey before you. That person can listen, empathize, encourage and carry you through with prayer…and laughter.


The listing above, while not comprehensive, is an indicator of emotional intellect and maturity I've long dealt with. While almost all of these situations led to tears of pain and frustration, in retrospect,  many of these events now elicit laughter. (Never underestimate the healing power of humor!)


Speaking of healing power – God’s handprints are all over the tapestry of our lives.  When the Sea of “Blended Bliss” became too much to bear, it was He who calmed the waters, and soothed the pain. Another blessing from God has been our incredible church family – supporting each of us with love and lots of prayer over the years.



Being a blended family is hard – without added complications.  New siblings are added, the “birth order” is mingled and blurred, logistics change, and the emotional climate of the home becomes different. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles have no experience in this family dynamic - mistakes are made, feelings are hurt. (Most often – it was my feelings.) That was one advantage to having small children at the onset of the blended journey – they were most often unaware of the mistakes and unintended hurts. As they grew up, they were able to see for themselves any remaining prejudices.


For my friends in the “thick of it” and for the ones who are considering the possibility – be encouraged; for the comedy of horrors we’ve endured is far worse than what most will encounter. The good news? In spite of the attacks, the ploys, manipulation and the stress - my love for my children is deep. They're all  grown and thriving, happy, healthy, mentally stable and committed to their own families. I'm fortunate to have a wonderful healthy relationship with my cherubs – and maybe a positive outcome of facing the difficulties together is a greater appreciation and love of each other. In many ways, we are closer than ever today – bonded more tightly than many “traditional families.” We are blessed beyond comprehension. We persevered!