This post is dedicated to my friends who have begun to navigate the rough waters of “Blended Bliss.” When making the decision myself, I was completely naïve. "This would be a piece of cake, WRONG!!!" Being the Mom of a full-time, blended family has been a long, arduous journey; but, as with anything painstakingly difficult, the journey has ultimately led to phenomenal blessings and reward.
A couple of you are intimately familiar with the horrific details of our early years on this journey. Before we even officially embarked – we were taunted with threats, harassment, stalking and worst of all, my children’s hearts and minds were compromised by vicious, manipulative maneuvers.
If you are just beginning this adventure, rest assured that most people don’t deal with as much lunacy as we have faced. Actually, ours is the most outlandish of examples, all thanks to a woman who has long remained infantile and completely, self-absorbed. The only instances that have seemed more treacherous than our own have been made into Lifetime movies!
So, you’re receiving encouragement from a Mom who has been the target of much ex-inflicted taunting. For instance:
• Numerous threatening and harassing calls, texts and in the early days – infinite “911” pages to our beepers
• Repeated, empty threats of bodily harm and/or suicide
• Once, as she returned the children home following a visit, she hurled a loaf of banana bread at my face (not many people can claim that one.) Granted, we were all thankful she wasn’t carrying a brick at the time of that rant. The kids witnessed the entire mess, so there was no hiding what had just occurred, and I was the one left to soothe their anxieties. To lighten the mood in the minutes that followed – she was dubbed “Banana Bread Woman.”
• BBW exhibited several SWF behaviors: moving into my apartment complex as I moved out; going to work in the same industry I’d been in for years, etc. Once, a friend called me , after seeing her at my child’s school – encouraging me to “watch out” because now she’d dyed her hair to match mine. On several occasions, she told my children, husband – and even me, that since everyone “liked ME so much” – that she was going to become just like me. "They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery" ....but this was all just too creepy.
• One morning, our home phone rang around 6am…the familiar voice on the other end of the line eerily said, “The bed’s comfortable…isn’t it?” My guess is she didn’t realize we’d moved my bed into the house when we married. Still, creepy.
• During the early years when she would often exercise the “every other weekend” visitation – the pickups and drop-offs were almost always fraught with drama. We had to call the police on more than one occasion. There was also a time that after dropping the kids off at home, and leaving - she returned, and walked right into our home. (By the way, this was our second home - she had never lived there; not that having done so would have given her the right to enter - but still, evidence of extreme hatred and audacity.) After we all found her in our den, she proceeded to deliver a speech that concluded with the statement “I do not approve of your Brady Bunch lifestyle!”
• Here’s one that will never leave my recollection. One afternoon, our phone rang…my “hello” was greeted with “Yes, this is --------, the producer of the Montel Williams Show. We would like to fly you and your husband out and bring you to our studio. As I was trying to discern the voice, assuming this had to be a prank – she continued…. “---“ has contacted us and would like you all to be on an upcoming show talking about dysfunctional stepfamilies. The producer asked me to talk to my husband and to get back with her. There was never any “thought” necessary…but a return call to the number provided was verification. This hadn’t been a prank but yet another outlandish act and quest for attention. (It wouldn’t have surprised me at all to pick up the phone again and hear, “This is the Jerry Springer show…”)
• Well, as my children graduated from high school – I thought this chapter of drama was complete. But…NO, in the last 15 months – I’ve been slandered in print – thanks to an article in our local newspaper regarding my son’s deployment and being away from home over Christmas. Given that she lived in another state, no one is sure how she even found out about the article, but it pushed her over the edge. Her posse was actively bashing me on the newspapers’ website and accusations and threats were again flying over Social media. My children discovered these rants – not me. A few months after the newspaper article ran, my son married his beautiful bride. At the wedding, the ex and her entourage proceeded to mark through my name on wedding bulletins, replacing it with her own. (All the while making no shortage of grunts and facial expressions…. I’m surprised they didn’t bring Montel with them!) The beautiful afternoon also included a very unkind tongue lashing from BBW’s mother. It seems that my mere presence is simply a reminder of the selfish choices made by her daughter – which ultimately led to me being “mom” to the children she birthed. Apparently, it’s easier to lash out at the innocent, than to hold the responsible parties accountable.)
Many times I thought to myself, this was more than I bargained for. “This is too hard, this is not right, not fair, too painful – I can’t handle ANY more.” It seemed I was a walking target (not just for banana bread.) Being the mom of a blended family is something no one can understand without firsthand experience. The best advice for someone going through the challenges associated with blended families – great or small is to find someone who has walked the journey before you. That person can listen, empathize, encourage and carry you through with prayer…and laughter.
The listing above, while not comprehensive, is an indicator of emotional intellect and maturity I've long dealt with. While almost all of these situations led to tears of pain and frustration, in retrospect, many of these events now elicit laughter. (Never underestimate the healing power of humor!)
Speaking of healing power – God’s handprints are all over the tapestry of our lives. When the Sea of “Blended Bliss” became too much to bear, it was He who calmed the waters, and soothed the pain. Another blessing from God has been our incredible church family – supporting each of us with love and lots of prayer over the years.
Being a blended family is hard – without added complications. New siblings are added, the “birth order” is mingled and blurred, logistics change, and the emotional climate of the home becomes different. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles have no experience in this family dynamic - mistakes are made, feelings are hurt. (Most often – it was my feelings.) That was one advantage to having small children at the onset of the blended journey – they were most often unaware of the mistakes and unintended hurts. As they grew up, they were able to see for themselves any remaining prejudices.
For my friends in the “thick of it” and for the ones who are considering the possibility – be encouraged; for the comedy of horrors we’ve endured is far worse than what most will encounter. The good news? In spite of the attacks, the ploys, manipulation and the stress - my love for my children is deep. They're all grown and thriving, happy, healthy, mentally stable and committed to their own families. I'm fortunate to have a wonderful healthy relationship with my cherubs – and maybe a positive outcome of facing the difficulties together is a greater appreciation and love of each other. In many ways, we are closer than ever today – bonded more tightly than many “traditional families.” We are blessed beyond comprehension. We persevered!
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
When you DON'T care enough "to send the very best..".
Mother's Day is just four days away. As with most holidays, we tend to reflect on meaning. This is one "Hallmark Holiday" that has always tripped me up a bit, and left me filling somewhat conflicted...until now. It's very difficult to find just the "right" card with the right sentiment for some "mothers". My guess is that using white-out, or simply striking through the mushy stuff on most Mother's Day cards isn't advisable. The blatant deletion would cause more issue than "no card at all."
Last year, amidst my quest - the perfect card met my stare ...it was short, simple, and didn't go on about how wonderfully the recipient "raised, nurtured and loved ". There was no mention of "an increasing appreciation with age", etc. In fact, I'd venture to say that more thought went into the purchase of that particular card than most. Thankfully, this perfect card was found at the Dollar Store....and better yet, it was ONLY 50 cents - a BARGAIN!
As is customary, I signed my name and mailed the card. There - I found a way to "honor" her. Phew! A few days later, we learned that the recipient of that carefully thought out card, didn't think it came from me and the question was raised to my husband... "So, who actually signed the card? That wasn't Tawnda's handwriting." (Seriously, this made me laugh!) Well, much has changed since last year - God has brought much to light. The torment of shopping for the non-mushy card has been replaced with a newfound peace.
For too many years, a particular verse plagued me: Exodus 20:12"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.
Hmmm... it took a long time to figure out that "Honoring" a parent, doesn't necessarily imply maintaining an ongoing, interactive relationship. Gee, if only this lightbulb had gone off for me years ago, our family could have been spared much unnecessary card shopping at Hallmark (or Dollar Tree), drama, angst and mind games around holidays, school events, family milestones, etc. It turns out I subjected my husband and children to challenging scenarios that could have easily and justifiably, been avoided.
Like all of "us", relationships are uniquely woven, wrought with history, complex nuances, dysfunctional tendencies, unmet expectations, and personality challenges. In my opinion, there is not a "one size fits all" answer to this issue of honoring a parent - especially, in a difficult relationship.
Honoring may look like one or more of the "suggestions" below. This is not an exhaustive list and there's probably no end to the combinations applicable to specific relationships:
As demonstrated over and over, if we give unpleasant situations, circumstances, relationships, etc. over to God, He can and will use the "yucky stuff" in a beautiful way. We may not always see it with our own eyes or even in our lifetime - but it's an incredible gift when we do get to see how He orchestrates those difficulties into a beautiful tapestry - uniquely ours....but on display for all to see and for Him to be further glorified.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's now crystal clear that He was preparing me for an assignment of sorts... and while I don't see the "whole picture", enough has been made visible that it encourages me for what may come next. (More on that later) We all don't have the best relationships with our birth parents. There are vast differences between a "Mother" listed on a birth certificate and a "mommy" in the heart of a child. It takes little effort to become a "mother" and it takes a lifetime of effort, sacrifice, love, tenderness, pain, selflessness, energy, multi-tasking and never-ending concern and prayer to be a MOM.
As I've repeated before, "giving birth to a baby makes you a mom, the same way that standing in the garage makes you a car." (thankfully, I've experienced being a mom from pregnancy forward and I've experienced being a non-bio mom too. There is no shame in raising and loving children who don't have your DNA.)
Happy Mom's Day....
T
Last year, amidst my quest - the perfect card met my stare ...it was short, simple, and didn't go on about how wonderfully the recipient "raised, nurtured and loved ". There was no mention of "an increasing appreciation with age", etc. In fact, I'd venture to say that more thought went into the purchase of that particular card than most. Thankfully, this perfect card was found at the Dollar Store....and better yet, it was ONLY 50 cents - a BARGAIN!
As is customary, I signed my name and mailed the card. There - I found a way to "honor" her. Phew! A few days later, we learned that the recipient of that carefully thought out card, didn't think it came from me and the question was raised to my husband... "So, who actually signed the card? That wasn't Tawnda's handwriting." (Seriously, this made me laugh!) Well, much has changed since last year - God has brought much to light. The torment of shopping for the non-mushy card has been replaced with a newfound peace.
For too many years, a particular verse plagued me: Exodus 20:12"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.
Hmmm... it took a long time to figure out that "Honoring" a parent, doesn't necessarily imply maintaining an ongoing, interactive relationship. Gee, if only this lightbulb had gone off for me years ago, our family could have been spared much unnecessary card shopping at Hallmark (or Dollar Tree), drama, angst and mind games around holidays, school events, family milestones, etc. It turns out I subjected my husband and children to challenging scenarios that could have easily and justifiably, been avoided.
Like all of "us", relationships are uniquely woven, wrought with history, complex nuances, dysfunctional tendencies, unmet expectations, and personality challenges. In my opinion, there is not a "one size fits all" answer to this issue of honoring a parent - especially, in a difficult relationship.
Honoring may look like one or more of the "suggestions" below. This is not an exhaustive list and there's probably no end to the combinations applicable to specific relationships:
- Forgiveness - (Eph 4:32) mandated by scripture over and over again. Forgiving someone only requires action from the "injured party" and does not imply restoration - that takes both parties. Forgiveness is freeing for the offended. (in this case, the adult child.) It doesn't mean you pretend something "never happened." That's denial.
- You can honor your parents by the way you live your life (they may have no clue how you live your life...but it doesn't matter. God sees it all.)
- Taking care of parents in their old age - or when injured/sick, etc. (not for everyone)
- You can write a letter/tribute thanking a parent for anything positive they may have done...a dear friend of mine has shared that years ago, she wrote a note thanking her mother for making the decision to give birth to her and not abort.
- If being in the presence of one or both parents causes strife without fail, one way to honor them is to avoid that situation. (that was a freeing thought for me - and literally brought peace, joy and laughter back to our more recent family gatherings.)
- Sending a card or meaningful gift (but one dear friend and mentor has cautioned against continuing to place pearls before swine. Matt 7:6)
- There are additional ways.... (I may add more later!)
One other thought on this matter: We are all to honor our parents BUT sometimes "parents" remove themselves from a position of honor. Many hours have been spent talking with 3 pastors, well-grounded in God's word and with great wisdom from many decades of life and ministry.
I wish I had a better understanding on this subject years ago. Because of my application of the scripture, much was endured that could have been avoided. It seems to me, that "honoring parents", "submission to husbands", and "forgiveness" are three biblical concepts very often misunderstood and misapplied. (Unfortunately, also used as manipulation.)
As demonstrated over and over, if we give unpleasant situations, circumstances, relationships, etc. over to God, He can and will use the "yucky stuff" in a beautiful way. We may not always see it with our own eyes or even in our lifetime - but it's an incredible gift when we do get to see how He orchestrates those difficulties into a beautiful tapestry - uniquely ours....but on display for all to see and for Him to be further glorified.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's now crystal clear that He was preparing me for an assignment of sorts... and while I don't see the "whole picture", enough has been made visible that it encourages me for what may come next. (More on that later) We all don't have the best relationships with our birth parents. There are vast differences between a "Mother" listed on a birth certificate and a "mommy" in the heart of a child. It takes little effort to become a "mother" and it takes a lifetime of effort, sacrifice, love, tenderness, pain, selflessness, energy, multi-tasking and never-ending concern and prayer to be a MOM.
As I've repeated before, "giving birth to a baby makes you a mom, the same way that standing in the garage makes you a car." (thankfully, I've experienced being a mom from pregnancy forward and I've experienced being a non-bio mom too. There is no shame in raising and loving children who don't have your DNA.)
Happy Mom's Day....
T
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Irrelevance of Biology
In December of 1990, when I learned that the miracle of a new life was growing inside my womb, I was overcome with excitement! That excitement was then tainted with angst – a fear of repeating a horrible cycle of neglect and abuse. The thought of impending motherhood drove me to praying “for real” – for the first time in my life. At night, I would lie in bed, with my hands over my abdomen and quietly, but passionately plead with God for a myriad of outcomes. I had not been educated on ‘how to pray’, in fact – I had very little “Christian education” at that point. My requests were made known for a baby girl, then more specifically, a “healthy baby girl”…then a somewhat guilty response after awhile, “Okay God. I’m sorry I specified girl…please forgive me for being so picky. Just give me a healthy baby.” God was asked for a child who would grow up and be a “good Christian” when being a “good Christian” wasn’t even clear to me. Requests were raised for a child who would grow up and be the kind of kid I wished that I had been. Increasingly frequent, high priority requests were submitted...requests that my child NEVER live a day on this earth without being secure in the fact that he/she was greatly loved.
Desperately longing to be the very thing I felt robbed of, I begged God to make me a good mom. Ridiculously, and it’s almost with embarassment that this is admitted now: I prayed some times for a little girl who would look and act much like me, but with blue eyes. In retrospect, it’s easy to ascertain the shallow depth of my prayers. “Blue eyes?” How important was that – really? However, these prayers were with a pure heart at the time – and a longing to be a Godly mom to a precious child that for some incomprehensible reason, God was entrusting to ME, of all people!
Fast forward 18-19 years: I know a lot more. But, with the knowledge obtained,it seems to me some of those prayers in my early 20s were pleasing to His ears. They were innocent “conversations with my Heavenly Father”. In my naievete, looking back – this was indeed the absolute beginning of a closer walk with Him. Have I been close to perfect since? Regrettably, no – not even in the ballpark. I am a follower of Jesus….and a work in progress.
This is probably longer than a blog posting should be – but I cannot close here. The pregnancy I referenced above was my only pregnancy and it led to the birth of my daughter Britt. (nicknamed my "Angel”…perhaps I’ll explain that some other time.) Ironically, she is my youngest child. The incredible blessing of raising three children with my husband has been an incredible gift from God. There was a time when I was angry with God because I was not the recipient of maternal love in my youth – but now I see that as preparation for the task HE had before me. The relationships shared with all of my ‘cherubs’ exceeds the biological connection experienced with my own “egg donor” 10,000 times. My children heard me say with integrity and deep personal conviction that "biology isn't everything." The question from me to them over the years has been repeatedly, “Do you know every day of your life how much I love you”? Every time the answer has been a resounding ‘yes’. Do they really comprehend the depths of my love for them? Probably not - but they comprehend that they are loved. Wanted. Cherished. What could be more meaningful as a Mom, than knowing your kids are secure in your love for them…in spite of being the disciplinarian, task master, driving instructor, tutor, medic, and guard rails for their youth?
Many people in my life have either been adopted or have adopted. There are women and men that I know who dearly love and cherish their children with the kind of love that only a mom or dad can offer, however, they were not present at the birth. I am one of those women and feel PASSIONATELY that shared DNA is highly over-rated. This is not to diminish those blood relations that have manifested into full-fledged family in every sense of the word. But I simply want the world (and some close minded indivduals) to know that you don’t have to carry a child to love him/her with all your heart. God blessed me with both kinds of kids…if given the chance, I'd not change a thing. I am blessed.
More next time…. I could write a novel on this topic. By the way, while my youngest was on a mission trip to Brazil last spring, the Holy Spirit brought to mind some of those pre-natal prayers...and He showed me that He answered them - quite favorably. (She even has blue eyes!) Perhaps that was to help build my faith....and perhaps even the faith of others. He's like that "ya know?"
Desperately longing to be the very thing I felt robbed of, I begged God to make me a good mom. Ridiculously, and it’s almost with embarassment that this is admitted now: I prayed some times for a little girl who would look and act much like me, but with blue eyes. In retrospect, it’s easy to ascertain the shallow depth of my prayers. “Blue eyes?” How important was that – really? However, these prayers were with a pure heart at the time – and a longing to be a Godly mom to a precious child that for some incomprehensible reason, God was entrusting to ME, of all people!
Fast forward 18-19 years: I know a lot more. But, with the knowledge obtained,it seems to me some of those prayers in my early 20s were pleasing to His ears. They were innocent “conversations with my Heavenly Father”. In my naievete, looking back – this was indeed the absolute beginning of a closer walk with Him. Have I been close to perfect since? Regrettably, no – not even in the ballpark. I am a follower of Jesus….and a work in progress.
This is probably longer than a blog posting should be – but I cannot close here. The pregnancy I referenced above was my only pregnancy and it led to the birth of my daughter Britt. (nicknamed my "Angel”…perhaps I’ll explain that some other time.) Ironically, she is my youngest child. The incredible blessing of raising three children with my husband has been an incredible gift from God. There was a time when I was angry with God because I was not the recipient of maternal love in my youth – but now I see that as preparation for the task HE had before me. The relationships shared with all of my ‘cherubs’ exceeds the biological connection experienced with my own “egg donor” 10,000 times. My children heard me say with integrity and deep personal conviction that "biology isn't everything." The question from me to them over the years has been repeatedly, “Do you know every day of your life how much I love you”? Every time the answer has been a resounding ‘yes’. Do they really comprehend the depths of my love for them? Probably not - but they comprehend that they are loved. Wanted. Cherished. What could be more meaningful as a Mom, than knowing your kids are secure in your love for them…in spite of being the disciplinarian, task master, driving instructor, tutor, medic, and guard rails for their youth?
Many people in my life have either been adopted or have adopted. There are women and men that I know who dearly love and cherish their children with the kind of love that only a mom or dad can offer, however, they were not present at the birth. I am one of those women and feel PASSIONATELY that shared DNA is highly over-rated. This is not to diminish those blood relations that have manifested into full-fledged family in every sense of the word. But I simply want the world (and some close minded indivduals) to know that you don’t have to carry a child to love him/her with all your heart. God blessed me with both kinds of kids…if given the chance, I'd not change a thing. I am blessed.
More next time…. I could write a novel on this topic. By the way, while my youngest was on a mission trip to Brazil last spring, the Holy Spirit brought to mind some of those pre-natal prayers...and He showed me that He answered them - quite favorably. (She even has blue eyes!) Perhaps that was to help build my faith....and perhaps even the faith of others. He's like that "ya know?"
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