Life in a Blender - Part I - "Shaken, not stirred"

This post is dedicated to my friends who have begun to navigate the rough waters of “Blended Bliss.” When making the decision myself, I was completely naïve. "This would be a piece of cake, WRONG!!!" Being the Mom of a full-time, blended family has been a long, arduous journey; but, as with anything painstakingly difficult, the journey has ultimately led to phenomenal blessings and reward.


A couple of you are intimately familiar with the horrific details of our early years on this journey. Before we even officially embarked – we were taunted with threats, harassment, stalking and worst of all, my children’s hearts and minds were compromised by vicious, manipulative maneuvers.


If you are just beginning this adventure, rest assured that most people don’t deal with as much lunacy as we have faced. Actually, ours is the most outlandish of examples, all thanks to a woman who has long remained infantile and completely, self-absorbed. The only instances that have seemed more treacherous than our own have been made into Lifetime movies!


So, you’re receiving encouragement from a Mom who has been the target of much ex-inflicted taunting. For instance:


• Numerous threatening and harassing calls, texts and in the early days – infinite “911” pages to our beepers


• Repeated, empty threats of bodily harm and/or suicide


• Once, as she returned the children home following a visit, she hurled a loaf of banana bread at my face (not many people can claim that one.) Granted, we were all thankful she wasn’t carrying a brick at the time of that rant. The kids witnessed the entire mess, so there was no hiding what had just occurred, and I was the one left to soothe their anxieties. To lighten the mood in the minutes that followed – she was dubbed “Banana Bread Woman.”


• BBW exhibited several SWF behaviors: moving into my apartment complex as I moved out; going to work in the same industry I’d been in for years, etc. Once, a friend called me , after seeing her at my child’s school – encouraging me to “watch out” because now she’d dyed her hair to match mine. On several occasions, she told my children, husband – and even me, that since everyone “liked ME so much” – that she was going to become just like me. "They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery" ....but this was all just too creepy.


• One morning, our home phone rang around 6am…the familiar voice on the other end of the line eerily said, “The bed’s comfortable…isn’t it?” My guess is she didn’t realize we’d moved my bed into the house when we married. Still, creepy.


• During the early years when she would often exercise the “every other weekend” visitation – the pickups and drop-offs were almost always fraught with drama. We had to call the police on more than one occasion. There was also a time that after dropping the kids off at home, and leaving - she returned, and walked right into our home. (By the way, this was our second home - she had never lived there; not that having done so would have given her the right to enter - but still, evidence of extreme hatred and audacity.) After we all found her in our den, she proceeded to deliver a speech that concluded with the statement “I do not approve of your Brady Bunch lifestyle!”


• Here’s one that will never leave my recollection. One afternoon, our phone rang…my “hello” was greeted with “Yes, this is --------, the producer of the Montel Williams Show. We would like to fly you and your husband out and bring you to our studio. As I was trying to discern the voice, assuming this had to be a prank – she continued…. “---“ has contacted us and would like you all to be on an upcoming show talking about dysfunctional stepfamilies. The producer asked me to talk to my husband and to get back with her. There was never any “thought” necessary…but a return call to the number provided was verification. This hadn’t been a prank but yet another outlandish act and quest for attention. (It wouldn’t have surprised me at all to pick up the phone again and hear, “This is the Jerry Springer show…”)


• Well, as my children graduated from high school – I thought this chapter of drama was complete. But…NO, in the last 15 months – I’ve been slandered in print – thanks to an article in our local newspaper regarding my son’s deployment and being away from home over Christmas. Given that she lived in another state, no one is sure how she even found out about the article, but it pushed her over the edge. Her posse was actively bashing me on the newspapers’ website and accusations and threats were again flying over Social media. My children discovered these rants – not me. A few months after the newspaper article ran, my son married his beautiful bride. At the wedding, the ex and her entourage proceeded to mark through my name on wedding bulletins, replacing it with her own. (All the while making no shortage of grunts and facial expressions…. I’m surprised they didn’t bring Montel with them!) The beautiful afternoon also included a very unkind tongue lashing from BBW’s mother. It seems that my mere presence is simply a reminder of the selfish choices made by her daughter – which ultimately led to me being “mom” to the children she birthed. Apparently, it’s easier to lash out at the innocent, than to hold the responsible parties accountable.)


Many times I thought to myself, this was more than I bargained for. “This is too hard, this is not right, not fair, too painful – I can’t handle ANY more.” It seemed I was a walking target (not just for banana bread.) Being the mom of a blended family is something no one can understand without firsthand experience. The best advice for someone going through the challenges associated with blended families – great or small is to find someone who has walked the journey before you. That person can listen, empathize, encourage and carry you through with prayer…and laughter.


The listing above, while not comprehensive, is an indicator of emotional intellect and maturity I've long dealt with. While almost all of these situations led to tears of pain and frustration, in retrospect,  many of these events now elicit laughter. (Never underestimate the healing power of humor!)


Speaking of healing power – God’s handprints are all over the tapestry of our lives.  When the Sea of “Blended Bliss” became too much to bear, it was He who calmed the waters, and soothed the pain. Another blessing from God has been our incredible church family – supporting each of us with love and lots of prayer over the years.



Being a blended family is hard – without added complications.  New siblings are added, the “birth order” is mingled and blurred, logistics change, and the emotional climate of the home becomes different. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles have no experience in this family dynamic - mistakes are made, feelings are hurt. (Most often – it was my feelings.) That was one advantage to having small children at the onset of the blended journey – they were most often unaware of the mistakes and unintended hurts. As they grew up, they were able to see for themselves any remaining prejudices.


For my friends in the “thick of it” and for the ones who are considering the possibility – be encouraged; for the comedy of horrors we’ve endured is far worse than what most will encounter. The good news? In spite of the attacks, the ploys, manipulation and the stress - my love for my children is deep. They're all  grown and thriving, happy, healthy, mentally stable and committed to their own families. I'm fortunate to have a wonderful healthy relationship with my cherubs – and maybe a positive outcome of facing the difficulties together is a greater appreciation and love of each other. In many ways, we are closer than ever today – bonded more tightly than many “traditional families.” We are blessed beyond comprehension. We persevered!