Along with millions of other viewers, I watched the final episodes of Oprah last week. It seemed like the obvious thing to do since I’ve watched “Oprah” regularly for most of my adult life. Besides, this was to be television history! However, while watching star-studded Day 1 of the Farewell Show, I became “unsettled.” This was idolatry to the nth degree.
No one can take away from the fact that Oprah has done amazing things to benefit children and adults in the US and in Africa. She has elevated awareness of many diseases which plague our country. She has been a voice for abuse victims. Clearly, she had donated more money to non-profit organizations than many will make in a lifetime. BUT….she is just HUMAN. The way that some viewers are going on and on about her impending absence from daytime TV – well, it’s as if they look at her like she is Jesus.
Speaking of Jesus, I was surprised to hear His name mentioned on the very final show. I don’t know where she “stands” with Jesus. Some of her shows and books she’s recommended lead me to think she’s far, far away from Him – but I cannot say for sure. No one can truly know the heart of another, but God. My “discomfort” during the final episodes was not a result of Oprah herself, but stemmed from the obvious vacuum in our culture.
For instance, a young girl spoke out in the first half of the finale. She indicated that she’d watched Oprah with her mother for some time…but that her mother died and she knew for certain that her mom would WANT her to continue watching Oprah. Really? I’m saddened for the little girl. When I die, I pray the legacy that I leave for my daughters is far more meaningful and lasting than shared tv time. Dakota Fanning also spoke up around this same time, backed by several young girls who all purported to be “Oprah Babies.” Gag me.
There have been reports of women going into depression over this change in afternoon tv. Some have said they feel “hopeless” and don’t know what they’re going to do without her.” I heard a viewer on a news program say that she was distraught and that “no one could ever replace Oprah”. Well, there is someone who can fill the void, heal their pain, and do so, so, so much more than Oprah could possibly attain in her lifetime. Here are just a couple of quick comparisons…
She launched careers of: Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Nate Berkus, Rachael Ray and Suze Orman.
HE launched the careers of countless fishers of men; and even made possible a blissful retirement when we leave this world.
She gave audience members refrigerators, sweaters, spanks, Kindles and even cars from time to time.
HE gave mankind His life…in exchange for all sin, HE gave us access to The Father, and HE lavishes His people with Love.
“The Oprah Effect” – turns little known names into well known names.
“The Jesus Effect” – turns sinners into Saints.
She recommended a total of 65 books via the “Oprah Book Club”…including “The Secret”, “A New Earth” and “Discover the Power within You.”
HE recommends 66. They are full of wisdom, insight, beauty, comfort, justice. They contain answers for life.
Her Nicknames include: “O”; “The Queen of Daytime”; “The Queen of Media”
HIS Nicknames include: “Alpha and Omega”; “King of Kings”; “Bread of Life”; “Counselor”; “Mediator”; “The Good Shepherd”; “Deliverer”; “The Lamb of God”; “Light of the World”….and many, many others.
She exposed, discussed and sometimes downplayed certain sins, while speaking our harshly against others.
HE is grieved by any and all sin; views the actions of a murderer no differently than those of a thief; has made total forgiveness possible for all sinners
She has been available at 4pm, Mon-Fri, for 25 years. (But now we also have her email address!)
HE is available 24/7 – without commercial interruption and no storms can knock out the signal either…in fact, that’s when He’s most loud and clear.
Doesn’t it seem sad that a Human is being worshipped in a manner more fitting of a Savior? That was the reason for my discomfort last week. Clearly, many have credited O with miracles. They have learned to look upon her for guidance and some sense of “comfort.” It’s my hope that many of these distraught individuals will now begin to seek the One, true Counselor.
Wouldn’t it be great if our society placed more emphasis on the “King of Kings” than on the “Queen of Daytime”? Wouldn’t it be great if for just one day – Christian celebrities showed up at an arena to share their encounters with Jesus? And the non-celebrities from all over the world, would speak out about and celebrate the incredible miracles they have witnessed firsthand? Wouldn’t this be a better place to live? Wouldn’t there be less despair? Fewer placing false hope in the temporal – and real, lasting hope in the eternal?
Oprah’s last words on her very final episode were, “To God be the Glory”. I hope her final sentiment starts ringing true for all who viewed television history.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Simple Woman's Daybook
FOR TODAY...
Outside my window...hostas abound...the hydrangeas are blooming.
I can hear... birds chirping/kittens meowing.
I am thinking...it would be such a relief if a particular individual I love deeply, would change paths...and stop worrying about "the wrong things" and moving away from those who tend to be negative influences.
I am thankful... my children know I was there to help with homework K-12 (not just show up for graduation), Take care of them when they were sick (even the 3am cleanups), hold their hands while getting stitches, shots, etc., teach them about faith (not undermine and trivialize it), provide guard rails for the teen years (instead of encouraging lying, cheating, promiscuity, and general deviation from family values), that I will always have the memories of daily carpool, late night baseball games, girl scout camps, potty training, family vacations, field trips, room mom duties, tennis lessons, 10pm "outings" for Jane Austen books/movies/poster board, etc. (due the following morning), for the memories of college orientations, moving daughters in to dorms, late night talks about love and life, special birthday traditions, the opportunity to take my son to the Recruiter's office the rainy afternoon he left for Parris Island/the hugs we shared after boot camp graduation, the days, laughs, and hugs we all shared leading to deployment, the angel still sleeping downstairs - who in many ways - saved my life, chorus concerts, violin lessons, batting lessons, trips to Disney, to the beach, Six Flags, White Water, Stone Mountain, messy rooms, chicken pox, trick-or-treating, teaching them to drive, falling from trees, American Girl Dolls, the closeness enjoyed with all 3, the opportunity to comfort my oldest while in labor, the Wednesday "chore days", to see them fall in and out of love, mono (x2), beanie babies, "pretty, pretty princess", "Guess Who", Four-Square in the street, the "time out chair", the struggles, the ups, the downs, the good days and the hard ones...they were all worth it. The words "Mom/Mommy/Momma" are a blessing to my soul, for they are out of love and not obligation. Being a mom has been the hardest and simultaneously most rewarding and enjoyable "job" I've ever held - one that I'd gladly do again. I'm forever THANKFUL for this lifelong journey....every aspect of it!
From the kitchen...nothing cooking in my kitchen tonight, no one will be home.
I am wearing...a khaki dress and really, really cool, strappy heels.
I am creating... photo albums , scrapbooks...(always), a household project binder, and a newly organized coupon system. (YAY!)
I am going... to Lilburn for a planning meeting for my mil's 80th birthday party.
I am reading..."Four Days in November", "Decision Point", "True Compass"...in addition to the Bible, and daily devotional readings. (Interesting, all 3 are political in nature....just a coincidence)
I am hoping...for a large block of quiet time this weekend... will need to be intentional about it given all the activity we have.
I am praying...that Britt will quickly raise her support for Brazil, that Tyler's boots don't touch ground any time soon, and that Bryce will be able to spend a week with Mimi this summer.
Around the house... it's time for me to gather more donations - a charitable organization is coming by tomorrow morning which is always a great motivator.
One of my favorite things is...knowing that when I go home to an "empty house" some days, there are two adorable little felines there to greet me.
A few plans for the rest of the week... Party planning, celebrating a dear friend's birthday, spending time in the yard with WGH this weekend, graduation parties and a long overdue dinner with friends. (Oh yes, and some "intentional" rest!)
Here is picture for thought I am sharing…
Wishing one of the dearest people in the world to me a very happy birthday! I know the coming year will be full of many, many more laughs, a few more tears, lots of hugs, smiles, hours of chatting, dancing, 80s music, wine and maybe a martini or 2. (Perhaps a peditini night in our near future!) I love you BZ and am so grateful you are in our lives - you're better than a sister and forever will be my friend. Happy Birthday!
t
To join in and participate with your own daybook, please check out the hostess site at http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/
Outside my window...hostas abound...the hydrangeas are blooming.
I can hear... birds chirping/kittens meowing.
I am thinking...it would be such a relief if a particular individual I love deeply, would change paths...and stop worrying about "the wrong things" and moving away from those who tend to be negative influences.
I am thankful... my children know I was there to help with homework K-12 (not just show up for graduation), Take care of them when they were sick (even the 3am cleanups), hold their hands while getting stitches, shots, etc., teach them about faith (not undermine and trivialize it), provide guard rails for the teen years (instead of encouraging lying, cheating, promiscuity, and general deviation from family values), that I will always have the memories of daily carpool, late night baseball games, girl scout camps, potty training, family vacations, field trips, room mom duties, tennis lessons, 10pm "outings" for Jane Austen books/movies/poster board, etc. (due the following morning), for the memories of college orientations, moving daughters in to dorms, late night talks about love and life, special birthday traditions, the opportunity to take my son to the Recruiter's office the rainy afternoon he left for Parris Island/the hugs we shared after boot camp graduation, the days, laughs, and hugs we all shared leading to deployment, the angel still sleeping downstairs - who in many ways - saved my life, chorus concerts, violin lessons, batting lessons, trips to Disney, to the beach, Six Flags, White Water, Stone Mountain, messy rooms, chicken pox, trick-or-treating, teaching them to drive, falling from trees, American Girl Dolls, the closeness enjoyed with all 3, the opportunity to comfort my oldest while in labor, the Wednesday "chore days", to see them fall in and out of love, mono (x2), beanie babies, "pretty, pretty princess", "Guess Who", Four-Square in the street, the "time out chair", the struggles, the ups, the downs, the good days and the hard ones...they were all worth it. The words "Mom/Mommy/Momma" are a blessing to my soul, for they are out of love and not obligation. Being a mom has been the hardest and simultaneously most rewarding and enjoyable "job" I've ever held - one that I'd gladly do again. I'm forever THANKFUL for this lifelong journey....every aspect of it!
From the kitchen...nothing cooking in my kitchen tonight, no one will be home.
I am wearing...a khaki dress and really, really cool, strappy heels.
I am creating... photo albums , scrapbooks...(always), a household project binder, and a newly organized coupon system. (YAY!)
I am going... to Lilburn for a planning meeting for my mil's 80th birthday party.
I am reading..."Four Days in November", "Decision Point", "True Compass"...in addition to the Bible, and daily devotional readings. (Interesting, all 3 are political in nature....just a coincidence)
I am hoping...for a large block of quiet time this weekend... will need to be intentional about it given all the activity we have.
I am praying...that Britt will quickly raise her support for Brazil, that Tyler's boots don't touch ground any time soon, and that Bryce will be able to spend a week with Mimi this summer.
Around the house... it's time for me to gather more donations - a charitable organization is coming by tomorrow morning which is always a great motivator.
One of my favorite things is...knowing that when I go home to an "empty house" some days, there are two adorable little felines there to greet me.
A few plans for the rest of the week... Party planning, celebrating a dear friend's birthday, spending time in the yard with WGH this weekend, graduation parties and a long overdue dinner with friends. (Oh yes, and some "intentional" rest!)
Here is picture for thought I am sharing…
Wishing one of the dearest people in the world to me a very happy birthday! I know the coming year will be full of many, many more laughs, a few more tears, lots of hugs, smiles, hours of chatting, dancing, 80s music, wine and maybe a martini or 2. (Perhaps a peditini night in our near future!) I love you BZ and am so grateful you are in our lives - you're better than a sister and forever will be my friend. Happy Birthday! t
To join in and participate with your own daybook, please check out the hostess site at http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Backyard Applications to Life #2: Steel Magnolias (aka "Bloom where you're Planted")
Standing at the kitchen sink, we’ve got the perfect view of a teeny Magnolia tree. We have several in our yard, but this particular one is “special.” She has a unique, seemingly random beginning. A few years ago, following a storm – I noticed a branch from one of our older Magnolias had randomly fallen and was sticking straight up, out of the ground. It’s not a spot we’d walk normally, so the only time I thought about it was on occasion as my eyes and mind wandered while cleaning the kitchen. With the intention of removing the branch (somewhat an eyesore) from the soil and adding to our kindling – I was shocked to discover the branch had grown a random leaf. Intrigued that a displaced, windblown, solitary branch would actually breed new life - I decided against disturbing the peculiar placement. "Fast forward", 2-3 years later and our little renegade Magnolia is taller than me. “She” is perched between a young, skinny oak and a pine tree that stands several stories above our rooftop. This strange trio is definitely not part of our landscape design – but serves as a reminder of our ability to thrive if we cooperate with our own "providential placement." This little tree reminds me of my own life….and friends of mine can probably also relate.
For several years, I thought “Bloom where you’re Planted” was just a cutesy Mary Englebreit phrase. (Attributable to the refrigerator magnet.) Now, it’s obvious that this phrase illustrates a philosophy authored by God. Throughout scripture, there are countless examples of people in unforeseen circumstances – who, because they “bloomed” where they were appointed – glorified the Name of God . (Joseph, Esther, David, Mary…the list goes on and on.)
For us today, we may find ourselves in a situation that we never dreamt a reality for us: We may be single; dealing with illness or loss; a prodigal child(ren); broken relationships; financial restraints, etc. We ALL have something we’re dealing with. Life may seem “perfect” for some – but if you could get an unfiltered look below the surface – blemishes would surely be visible.
Instead of whining, comparing, and longing for a life that isn’t ours – we should focus on the many blessings we HAVE been given. Let’s face it – if we are reading a blog post – at a minimum, we have sight; ability to read and comprehend. We have many modern conveniences and protection against the elements. Just this short list makes us incredibly more fortunate than most of the world's population. An attitude of contentment is beautiful….and magnetic.
Perhaps you’re not where you had hoped to be right now. Maybe you’ve experienced a backslide due to decisions you wish you could reverse. Wherever you are, do all that you’re doing with a spirit of excellence. Instead of dwelling on your own “issues” – make it a point to love others. Pray and encourage those God brings into your life. Sometimes, your own, unique God story is the best way to encourage another. We all have one.Wherever we find ourselves "planted", we ought to seek God’s perfect will for our life and follow the plan HE has for us…for His plan is to give us a future and a hope. (Jer 29:11) We should wake up each day – grateful for our own breath, for the opportunities that await us, and even for the challenges we’ll face which will ultimately make us stronger – able to “bloom” in the most unlikely of places.
Maybe “Steel Magnolias” is more than just a great movie title….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe “Steel Magnolias” is more than just a great movie title….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the LORD, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. (Psalm 1:1-3)
Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. (1 Corinthians 7:17)
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7-8)
Monday, April 18, 2011
Backyard Applications to Life #1 - Roses and those Pesky Thorns
The last couple of weeks have afforded several hours of "outdoor reflection"... While sitting on the deck or even working in the yard - I've noticed there are ample metaphors that apply to human life.
While my Mother-in-law is very involved in her Garden Club, and my sister-in-law is a floral guru as well, my knowledge of plantlife is derived from the little pointed "markers" that accompany new plant purchases; a Month-by-month Georgia Gardening book; and of course - Google.
Not long ago, a friend of mine pointed out that in every room of my house - "roses" are a part of the decor...I doubted her at first and then looked around only to realize that she was astute in her assessment. Somewhere along the way, I've unknowingly developed an affinity to these thorned beauties. So, it seems only appropriate that the first application point "stem" from roses.
Roses are beautiful and yes, full of thorns. My husband can testify to this as he ended up with thorns stuck in his scalp a week ago while transplanting a rose bush for me. I've experiened my share of prickle-related pain while cutting and arranging. Quick research indicates that the sweeter smelling the rose - the more thorns present. The thorns offer protection to the petals and foliage. If not for thorns, herbivores would have consumed them all - leaving none for us to enjoy today.
In this analogy - we are like Roses. We're given "thorns/trials" as we go through life - as a protection, and to "perfect" us. Nothing we do leads to our thorn supply, they're simply guaranteed to all Believers. Sometimes it seems, like with roses, the "sweeter the aroma" - the more we get. (The thorns here aren't the same as consequences, that's a different "application" altogether.) Thorns simply occur. In my earlier years, I foolishly thought that God had already given me more than my share and that surely, a "lengthy, thorn-free break" was coming...it didn't. There was a time when I was actually a little put out with God and decided that the "thorns" had to be a result of poor decisions. My goal was to "do" everything so flawlessly and perfectly that I could avoid those pesky, prickly accoutrements. That didn't work either... We can't "outsmart" or manipulate God into giving us a leisurely stroll through life. 
Finally, the realization that we should "Count it all joy when we face various trials" - makes sense. Like thorns on a rose, the trials we experience on Earth offer protection against the enemy as our perseverance is developed and our faith perfected.It's just another way to look at our own pesky "thorns". We may hurt temporarily, but in the long run - it will be so worth it! I'm hopeful that as the next prickly season begins (which I think it has) - that my attitude will be one of trust and gratitude, because ultimately - in spite of the pain, it will be benefical in the long run.
(Romans 5:3) More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance.
(James 1:12) - Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
(1 Peter 1:6) - In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by
various trials.
 |
| all photos taken by me...in my back yard, of course. |
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
"Spring Cleaning"
As said before, I should never cease to be amazed by the wondrous and unexpected ways the Lord sometimes speaks to my heart. In fact, just this past week - He's actually been opening my eyes to some areas requiring modification...and He's been speaking to me in my "OCD"!
My innate tendency is to "clean and organize". Granted, there are days when, if you looked in my closets, cabinets or office - you'd be surprised to hear that. I crave order and get excited about organization tools and tricks. However, given the busyness of life, priorities and seemingly waning energy - my home may sometimes be found in a state of disarray - rest assured, if that's the case, you'll find me in the same condition.
One of my greatest organizational triumphs in recent months was consolidating 375 dvds into one large binder. The DVDs are catalogued in a corresponding spreadsheet, along with film ratings, genre, cast/content notes and the page number on which the movie may be found. With all humility, I must admit - it's fairly genius! :) When the family wants to watch a specific movie - it's exciting to know the precise location - and to avoid a multi-room search.
Beyond my "wiring" - this gorgeous Atlanta weather has inspired a couple of big organization/simplification endeavors. The frustrating part is that you deal with a temporary "bigger-than-before-MESS" midway through the process. In this week's endeavors, my closest friends - both at home and at the office, have been shredders and scanners. Scanning is AMAZING - and is helping to rid life of piles of unnecessary paper. It's one of the greatest technological advances from the perspective of an organization freak!
In the progression of decluttering files and desk drawers - I came across two interesting and revealing folders. One was a "CYA" folder containing documents from more than a decade ago. Another was a "Just in case something bigger comes of this" folder - containing emails, letters, and my own handwritten, detailed notes documenting grievances with a couple of family members...and with a supposed friend. My thinking was that I may need "proof" to back up legal arguments some day, or to prove someone wrong in their hasty and non-discerning judgments and assessments. Maybe my sweet husband is on to something when he tells me "you've always got to be right."
First and foremost, I have forgiven all the people involved and never want to embody a bitter spirit toward them or anyone. There is no desire for revenge - no wish for vigilante justice, no wish for harm of any kind to come their way. Bottom line, we are all accountable for our actions and attitudes - managing our own is a "full time job"...we can't realistically expect to direct the behaviors of others!
Forgiveness doesn't assume restoration of relationship but it definitely frees the injured party...it took me a long time to "get that". It's interesting though, while not dwelling on past infractions - things happen that can pull back a scab you didn't know existed, leading to serious self examination and sometimes the whole process of forgiveness again. That's what happened today....
While flipping through the contents of multiple files, some of the harsh words and reminders of past actions, came into view. Beforehand, those recollections were far from mind...and definitely, far from my heart. Holding on to the "evidence" only served as an impromptu reminder and a catalyst to tears streaming down my face...tears that didn't exist moments prior.
The Holy Spirit convicted me of my own "judgment", and my need to be "right" in the eyes of man. Those documents only served as a painful reminder to me. The offenders didn't even know the data existed. Surely, Satan would prefer that those folders, toxic only to myself, remain in my drawer for his future merriment. They are now confetti. Even though the transgressions spoken of were not at all on my mind before this afternoon, after shredding them - I somehow felt "lighter." Spring Cleaning feels good - on so many levels!
As the 2011 "Spring Cleaning" continues in my home and at the office... it will continue in my personal walk with Him, as well. What other thoughts and patterns do I need to purge? What else needs to be removed from my life and "given away" in order to make room for peace and for true, lasting beauty?
Love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; (Luke 6:35-37)
______________________________________________
"The most creative power given to the human spirit is the power to heal the wounds of a past it cannot change."
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey."
"We do not forgive because we are supposed to; we forgive when we are ready to be healed."
"Waiting for someone to repent before we forgive is to surrender our future to the person who wronged us."
"When we forgive, we walk in stride with the forgiving God."
(taken from "The Art of Forgiving" by Lewis B. Smedes)
My innate tendency is to "clean and organize". Granted, there are days when, if you looked in my closets, cabinets or office - you'd be surprised to hear that. I crave order and get excited about organization tools and tricks. However, given the busyness of life, priorities and seemingly waning energy - my home may sometimes be found in a state of disarray - rest assured, if that's the case, you'll find me in the same condition.
One of my greatest organizational triumphs in recent months was consolidating 375 dvds into one large binder. The DVDs are catalogued in a corresponding spreadsheet, along with film ratings, genre, cast/content notes and the page number on which the movie may be found. With all humility, I must admit - it's fairly genius! :) When the family wants to watch a specific movie - it's exciting to know the precise location - and to avoid a multi-room search.
Beyond my "wiring" - this gorgeous Atlanta weather has inspired a couple of big organization/simplification endeavors. The frustrating part is that you deal with a temporary "bigger-than-before-MESS" midway through the process. In this week's endeavors, my closest friends - both at home and at the office, have been shredders and scanners. Scanning is AMAZING - and is helping to rid life of piles of unnecessary paper. It's one of the greatest technological advances from the perspective of an organization freak!
In the progression of decluttering files and desk drawers - I came across two interesting and revealing folders. One was a "CYA" folder containing documents from more than a decade ago. Another was a "Just in case something bigger comes of this" folder - containing emails, letters, and my own handwritten, detailed notes documenting grievances with a couple of family members...and with a supposed friend. My thinking was that I may need "proof" to back up legal arguments some day, or to prove someone wrong in their hasty and non-discerning judgments and assessments. Maybe my sweet husband is on to something when he tells me "you've always got to be right."
First and foremost, I have forgiven all the people involved and never want to embody a bitter spirit toward them or anyone. There is no desire for revenge - no wish for vigilante justice, no wish for harm of any kind to come their way. Bottom line, we are all accountable for our actions and attitudes - managing our own is a "full time job"...we can't realistically expect to direct the behaviors of others!
Forgiveness doesn't assume restoration of relationship but it definitely frees the injured party...it took me a long time to "get that". It's interesting though, while not dwelling on past infractions - things happen that can pull back a scab you didn't know existed, leading to serious self examination and sometimes the whole process of forgiveness again. That's what happened today....
While flipping through the contents of multiple files, some of the harsh words and reminders of past actions, came into view. Beforehand, those recollections were far from mind...and definitely, far from my heart. Holding on to the "evidence" only served as an impromptu reminder and a catalyst to tears streaming down my face...tears that didn't exist moments prior.
The Holy Spirit convicted me of my own "judgment", and my need to be "right" in the eyes of man. Those documents only served as a painful reminder to me. The offenders didn't even know the data existed. Surely, Satan would prefer that those folders, toxic only to myself, remain in my drawer for his future merriment. They are now confetti. Even though the transgressions spoken of were not at all on my mind before this afternoon, after shredding them - I somehow felt "lighter." Spring Cleaning feels good - on so many levels!
As the 2011 "Spring Cleaning" continues in my home and at the office... it will continue in my personal walk with Him, as well. What other thoughts and patterns do I need to purge? What else needs to be removed from my life and "given away" in order to make room for peace and for true, lasting beauty?
Love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; (Luke 6:35-37)
______________________________________________
"The most creative power given to the human spirit is the power to heal the wounds of a past it cannot change."
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey."
"We do not forgive because we are supposed to; we forgive when we are ready to be healed."
"Waiting for someone to repent before we forgive is to surrender our future to the person who wronged us."
"When we forgive, we walk in stride with the forgiving God."
(taken from "The Art of Forgiving" by Lewis B. Smedes)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Way Beyond the Bend... Lessons from Afghanistan
The first time our eldest daughter drove away from the house with both siblings in tow, is an image that WGH and I will not soon forget. A helpless feeling came over both of us as we stood there and watched until the green minivan with our three most precious blessings, rounded the bend and continued out of view. Feeling so helpless, all we could mutter was “Protect them God.” I’d like to say that this practice of supervising exits from the driveway, becomes less prominent in day to day life; it hasn’t . I honestly think our kids would be shocked to look back in the rearview mirror and not see us standing in the driveway or on the front steps. (Usually, waving a bit like maniacs and, on rare momentous occasions – with bittersweet tears.) What the children don’t realize is that I typically continue to stand in my watchful position as they drive beyond the bend. My responsibility as a mom is to listen for screeching tires and sounds of crunching metal, as they make left hand turns across a busy four-lane road, right? Fortunately, in the seven years of doing this – not once have I heard either horrifying sound. We all know that worry does nothing to circumvent disaster – so I choose to think of this as my motherly duty. If one of my children encountered trouble, I’d just sprint down the street and be there to help in any way possible – and most likely embarrassing them by being in pjs.
Two words that will drive parents to their knees, in a flash are “DRIVER’S LICENSE.” Those words helped me begin the realization, that in spite of all my efforts – I’ve never been fully able to protect my children, and the illusion of any control at all is quickly dissipating. The three times WGH and I have experienced the first solo departures from the driveway have been mere “Baby steps” on this road to the “we are completely without control” realization.
Like most Moms and Dads, we said goodbye to our children at numerous sleepovers, camps, dorms, and mission trip departures, etc. ; but the hardest farewell of all, and the greatest lesson about perceived control came in October 2009. We had spent several days in Topsail, NC – enjoying the last days before Tyler’s first deployment. We optimized every moment, and did all we could to make his last days on US soil, memorable and fun. We rented a great beach house and enjoyed fabulous family time, meaningful conversation, and lots of hugs, tears, and laughs – and eating at all the restaurants of his choice. We completely relished the time together, and we’ll never forget the emotional events of that week.
Nothing, nothing, nothing – could prepare my “mom’s heart” for the poignant goodbye that would take place on that pre-dawn, October morning. As the young men of Tyler’s unit gathered in the parking lot, with their gear tagged and staged, a sobering thought came to mind. From talking to others – I know that same sobering thought invaded their minds as well. Standing in the midst of roughly a 1000 young men, we knew that some of these brave 19-25 year olds would not return to their families. We knew that many would be injured. Every parent was having the same unspoken thoughts – as were many of the marines who were about to embark on a life-changing tour of duty in Afghanistan. As we stood there hugging, I was praying like crazy - praying that this would not be the last time I was able to hug my sweet boy. I didn't want to let go of him. I made a concerted effort to look at him and to "ingrain" that snapshot of his handsome face in my mind forever. Simply looking at this picture causes tears to well up because the profound emotions that overcame me that day are so easily recalled.
As all of our sons began boarding the buses that would take them to a nearby air base – the tears flowed more heavily, and the sobs grew louder – I don’t think I looked at another face that wasn’t wet with tears. A final round of hugs preceded my son stepping on the bus. Our family, along with others – stood there and watched and prayed as the buses drove out of sight – “just around the bend.”
Like watching my precious son drive out of our neighborhood for the first time, watching him ride away on a bus – heading to war, drove me to the realization that as parents, we only think we have control over our children. There was not a single thing that I could do to help him after he turned out of our neighborhood, and there wasn’t a single thing I could do to protect him as his boots touched Afghanistan soil – but PRAY. I had no more ability to protect him thousands of miles away, than I did to protect him between home and school just a year earlier. As a mom, I want to hold my babies with a tightly clenched fist, but God has shown me that I must hold them with an open hand…and ultimately, they are resting in His.
Tyler was never far from thought. During the months he was deployed, we and so many others, prayed for him continually. Our family experienced prayer support like never before from our church, extended family and from other military families who know and understand deployments. Tyler said on more than one occasion, that he sensed the prayers of others back home. He had close calls, some near misses; while I don’t like to think of those times, they are a harsh reality of war. The hardest thing for me now, is knowing the pain some of my friends are experiencing still today. They did not see their sons step back off the bus at the end of May, instead – their sons gave the ultimate sacrifice.
While none of us understand the mind of God, we have no choice but to trust in Him and in His plan for all of us. I know firsthand that two of the young men who gave their lives, had had an incredible, immeasurable impact on not just their families, but on the eternal lives of other service men, countless friends, and acquaintances. It’s impossible for me to know the pain these parents feel, but I strongly suspect they view the years that their sons were on this Earth as an incredible gift. If they aren’t at that point yet, I pray they’ll get there. These families will remain in my thoughts and prayers, now and forever.
In my humble opinion, “Letting go of our children” goes against our natural instinct. From the beginning, these precious little ones rely on us for protection, nurture and love. It’s why that when we hear words like “driver’s license” or “deployment” – we realize that we’ve been deceived into thinking we have some sort of control. We come face to face with our inability to protect them and our need to depend on God. If we don’t chose to trust in Him, we will likely drive ourselves and everyone around us crazy! In the meantime, fretting will not help our children to navigate what’s “beyond the bend” – be that Johnson Ferry Road or Southern Afghanistan.
As our family prepares for future deployments, we will choose to trust and to rest in the One who knows all things, and sees all things. We cannot take matters into our own hands – even if we tried. We never know in advance the difficulty that exists just beyond the bend. However, through reflection on prior difficult seasons, we can see that God is faithful. We must remember those times of trial and more importantly remember the way He met us in our most critical needs. When trials come - we must trust.
Not a burden we bear,
not a sorrow we share,
but our toil he doth richly repay;
not a grief or a loss,
not a frown or a cross,
but is blest if we trust and obey.
trust and obey, for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus...but to trust and obey.
Homecoming - May 2010
All of my favorite people in this one photo!
Two words that will drive parents to their knees, in a flash are “DRIVER’S LICENSE.” Those words helped me begin the realization, that in spite of all my efforts – I’ve never been fully able to protect my children, and the illusion of any control at all is quickly dissipating. The three times WGH and I have experienced the first solo departures from the driveway have been mere “Baby steps” on this road to the “we are completely without control” realization.
Like most Moms and Dads, we said goodbye to our children at numerous sleepovers, camps, dorms, and mission trip departures, etc. ; but the hardest farewell of all, and the greatest lesson about perceived control came in October 2009. We had spent several days in Topsail, NC – enjoying the last days before Tyler’s first deployment. We optimized every moment, and did all we could to make his last days on US soil, memorable and fun. We rented a great beach house and enjoyed fabulous family time, meaningful conversation, and lots of hugs, tears, and laughs – and eating at all the restaurants of his choice. We completely relished the time together, and we’ll never forget the emotional events of that week.
Nothing, nothing, nothing – could prepare my “mom’s heart” for the poignant goodbye that would take place on that pre-dawn, October morning. As the young men of Tyler’s unit gathered in the parking lot, with their gear tagged and staged, a sobering thought came to mind. From talking to others – I know that same sobering thought invaded their minds as well. Standing in the midst of roughly a 1000 young men, we knew that some of these brave 19-25 year olds would not return to their families. We knew that many would be injured. Every parent was having the same unspoken thoughts – as were many of the marines who were about to embark on a life-changing tour of duty in Afghanistan. As we stood there hugging, I was praying like crazy - praying that this would not be the last time I was able to hug my sweet boy. I didn't want to let go of him. I made a concerted effort to look at him and to "ingrain" that snapshot of his handsome face in my mind forever. Simply looking at this picture causes tears to well up because the profound emotions that overcame me that day are so easily recalled.
As all of our sons began boarding the buses that would take them to a nearby air base – the tears flowed more heavily, and the sobs grew louder – I don’t think I looked at another face that wasn’t wet with tears. A final round of hugs preceded my son stepping on the bus. Our family, along with others – stood there and watched and prayed as the buses drove out of sight – “just around the bend.”
Like watching my precious son drive out of our neighborhood for the first time, watching him ride away on a bus – heading to war, drove me to the realization that as parents, we only think we have control over our children. There was not a single thing that I could do to help him after he turned out of our neighborhood, and there wasn’t a single thing I could do to protect him as his boots touched Afghanistan soil – but PRAY. I had no more ability to protect him thousands of miles away, than I did to protect him between home and school just a year earlier. As a mom, I want to hold my babies with a tightly clenched fist, but God has shown me that I must hold them with an open hand…and ultimately, they are resting in His.
Tyler was never far from thought. During the months he was deployed, we and so many others, prayed for him continually. Our family experienced prayer support like never before from our church, extended family and from other military families who know and understand deployments. Tyler said on more than one occasion, that he sensed the prayers of others back home. He had close calls, some near misses; while I don’t like to think of those times, they are a harsh reality of war. The hardest thing for me now, is knowing the pain some of my friends are experiencing still today. They did not see their sons step back off the bus at the end of May, instead – their sons gave the ultimate sacrifice.
While none of us understand the mind of God, we have no choice but to trust in Him and in His plan for all of us. I know firsthand that two of the young men who gave their lives, had had an incredible, immeasurable impact on not just their families, but on the eternal lives of other service men, countless friends, and acquaintances. It’s impossible for me to know the pain these parents feel, but I strongly suspect they view the years that their sons were on this Earth as an incredible gift. If they aren’t at that point yet, I pray they’ll get there. These families will remain in my thoughts and prayers, now and forever.
In my humble opinion, “Letting go of our children” goes against our natural instinct. From the beginning, these precious little ones rely on us for protection, nurture and love. It’s why that when we hear words like “driver’s license” or “deployment” – we realize that we’ve been deceived into thinking we have some sort of control. We come face to face with our inability to protect them and our need to depend on God. If we don’t chose to trust in Him, we will likely drive ourselves and everyone around us crazy! In the meantime, fretting will not help our children to navigate what’s “beyond the bend” – be that Johnson Ferry Road or Southern Afghanistan.
As our family prepares for future deployments, we will choose to trust and to rest in the One who knows all things, and sees all things. We cannot take matters into our own hands – even if we tried. We never know in advance the difficulty that exists just beyond the bend. However, through reflection on prior difficult seasons, we can see that God is faithful. We must remember those times of trial and more importantly remember the way He met us in our most critical needs. When trials come - we must trust.
Not a burden we bear,
not a sorrow we share,
but our toil he doth richly repay;
not a grief or a loss,
not a frown or a cross,
but is blest if we trust and obey.
trust and obey, for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus...but to trust and obey.
Homecoming - May 2010
All of my favorite people in this one photo!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Life in a Blender - Part I - "Shaken, not stirred"
This post is dedicated to my friends who have begun to navigate the rough waters of “Blended Bliss.” When making the decision myself, I was completely naïve. "This would be a piece of cake, WRONG!!!" Being the Mom of a full-time, blended family has been a long, arduous journey; but, as with anything painstakingly difficult, the journey has ultimately led to phenomenal blessings and reward.
A couple of you are intimately familiar with the horrific details of our early years on this journey. Before we even officially embarked – we were taunted with threats, harassment, stalking and worst of all, my children’s hearts and minds were compromised by vicious, manipulative maneuvers.
If you are just beginning this adventure, rest assured that most people don’t deal with as much lunacy as we have faced. Actually, ours is the most outlandish of examples, all thanks to a woman who has long remained infantile and completely, self-absorbed. The only instances that have seemed more treacherous than our own have been made into Lifetime movies!
So, you’re receiving encouragement from a Mom who has been the target of much ex-inflicted taunting. For instance:
• Numerous threatening and harassing calls, texts and in the early days – infinite “911” pages to our beepers
• Repeated, empty threats of bodily harm and/or suicide
• Once, as she returned the children home following a visit, she hurled a loaf of banana bread at my face (not many people can claim that one.) Granted, we were all thankful she wasn’t carrying a brick at the time of that rant. The kids witnessed the entire mess, so there was no hiding what had just occurred, and I was the one left to soothe their anxieties. To lighten the mood in the minutes that followed – she was dubbed “Banana Bread Woman.”
• BBW exhibited several SWF behaviors: moving into my apartment complex as I moved out; going to work in the same industry I’d been in for years, etc. Once, a friend called me , after seeing her at my child’s school – encouraging me to “watch out” because now she’d dyed her hair to match mine. On several occasions, she told my children, husband – and even me, that since everyone “liked ME so much” – that she was going to become just like me. "They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery" ....but this was all just too creepy.
• One morning, our home phone rang around 6am…the familiar voice on the other end of the line eerily said, “The bed’s comfortable…isn’t it?” My guess is she didn’t realize we’d moved my bed into the house when we married. Still, creepy.
• During the early years when she would often exercise the “every other weekend” visitation – the pickups and drop-offs were almost always fraught with drama. We had to call the police on more than one occasion. There was also a time that after dropping the kids off at home, and leaving - she returned, and walked right into our home. (By the way, this was our second home - she had never lived there; not that having done so would have given her the right to enter - but still, evidence of extreme hatred and audacity.) After we all found her in our den, she proceeded to deliver a speech that concluded with the statement “I do not approve of your Brady Bunch lifestyle!”
• Here’s one that will never leave my recollection. One afternoon, our phone rang…my “hello” was greeted with “Yes, this is --------, the producer of the Montel Williams Show. We would like to fly you and your husband out and bring you to our studio. As I was trying to discern the voice, assuming this had to be a prank – she continued…. “---“ has contacted us and would like you all to be on an upcoming show talking about dysfunctional stepfamilies. The producer asked me to talk to my husband and to get back with her. There was never any “thought” necessary…but a return call to the number provided was verification. This hadn’t been a prank but yet another outlandish act and quest for attention. (It wouldn’t have surprised me at all to pick up the phone again and hear, “This is the Jerry Springer show…”)
• Well, as my children graduated from high school – I thought this chapter of drama was complete. But…NO, in the last 15 months – I’ve been slandered in print – thanks to an article in our local newspaper regarding my son’s deployment and being away from home over Christmas. Given that she lived in another state, no one is sure how she even found out about the article, but it pushed her over the edge. Her posse was actively bashing me on the newspapers’ website and accusations and threats were again flying over Social media. My children discovered these rants – not me. A few months after the newspaper article ran, my son married his beautiful bride. At the wedding, the ex and her entourage proceeded to mark through my name on wedding bulletins, replacing it with her own. (All the while making no shortage of grunts and facial expressions…. I’m surprised they didn’t bring Montel with them!) The beautiful afternoon also included a very unkind tongue lashing from BBW’s mother. It seems that my mere presence is simply a reminder of the selfish choices made by her daughter – which ultimately led to me being “mom” to the children she birthed. Apparently, it’s easier to lash out at the innocent, than to hold the responsible parties accountable.)
Many times I thought to myself, this was more than I bargained for. “This is too hard, this is not right, not fair, too painful – I can’t handle ANY more.” It seemed I was a walking target (not just for banana bread.) Being the mom of a blended family is something no one can understand without firsthand experience. The best advice for someone going through the challenges associated with blended families – great or small is to find someone who has walked the journey before you. That person can listen, empathize, encourage and carry you through with prayer…and laughter.
The listing above, while not comprehensive, is an indicator of emotional intellect and maturity I've long dealt with. While almost all of these situations led to tears of pain and frustration, in retrospect, many of these events now elicit laughter. (Never underestimate the healing power of humor!)
Speaking of healing power – God’s handprints are all over the tapestry of our lives. When the Sea of “Blended Bliss” became too much to bear, it was He who calmed the waters, and soothed the pain. Another blessing from God has been our incredible church family – supporting each of us with love and lots of prayer over the years.
Being a blended family is hard – without added complications. New siblings are added, the “birth order” is mingled and blurred, logistics change, and the emotional climate of the home becomes different. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles have no experience in this family dynamic - mistakes are made, feelings are hurt. (Most often – it was my feelings.) That was one advantage to having small children at the onset of the blended journey – they were most often unaware of the mistakes and unintended hurts. As they grew up, they were able to see for themselves any remaining prejudices.
For my friends in the “thick of it” and for the ones who are considering the possibility – be encouraged; for the comedy of horrors we’ve endured is far worse than what most will encounter. The good news? In spite of the attacks, the ploys, manipulation and the stress - my love for my children is deep. They're all grown and thriving, happy, healthy, mentally stable and committed to their own families. I'm fortunate to have a wonderful healthy relationship with my cherubs – and maybe a positive outcome of facing the difficulties together is a greater appreciation and love of each other. In many ways, we are closer than ever today – bonded more tightly than many “traditional families.” We are blessed beyond comprehension. We persevered!
A couple of you are intimately familiar with the horrific details of our early years on this journey. Before we even officially embarked – we were taunted with threats, harassment, stalking and worst of all, my children’s hearts and minds were compromised by vicious, manipulative maneuvers.
If you are just beginning this adventure, rest assured that most people don’t deal with as much lunacy as we have faced. Actually, ours is the most outlandish of examples, all thanks to a woman who has long remained infantile and completely, self-absorbed. The only instances that have seemed more treacherous than our own have been made into Lifetime movies!
So, you’re receiving encouragement from a Mom who has been the target of much ex-inflicted taunting. For instance:
• Numerous threatening and harassing calls, texts and in the early days – infinite “911” pages to our beepers
• Repeated, empty threats of bodily harm and/or suicide
• Once, as she returned the children home following a visit, she hurled a loaf of banana bread at my face (not many people can claim that one.) Granted, we were all thankful she wasn’t carrying a brick at the time of that rant. The kids witnessed the entire mess, so there was no hiding what had just occurred, and I was the one left to soothe their anxieties. To lighten the mood in the minutes that followed – she was dubbed “Banana Bread Woman.”
• BBW exhibited several SWF behaviors: moving into my apartment complex as I moved out; going to work in the same industry I’d been in for years, etc. Once, a friend called me , after seeing her at my child’s school – encouraging me to “watch out” because now she’d dyed her hair to match mine. On several occasions, she told my children, husband – and even me, that since everyone “liked ME so much” – that she was going to become just like me. "They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery" ....but this was all just too creepy.
• One morning, our home phone rang around 6am…the familiar voice on the other end of the line eerily said, “The bed’s comfortable…isn’t it?” My guess is she didn’t realize we’d moved my bed into the house when we married. Still, creepy.
• During the early years when she would often exercise the “every other weekend” visitation – the pickups and drop-offs were almost always fraught with drama. We had to call the police on more than one occasion. There was also a time that after dropping the kids off at home, and leaving - she returned, and walked right into our home. (By the way, this was our second home - she had never lived there; not that having done so would have given her the right to enter - but still, evidence of extreme hatred and audacity.) After we all found her in our den, she proceeded to deliver a speech that concluded with the statement “I do not approve of your Brady Bunch lifestyle!”
• Here’s one that will never leave my recollection. One afternoon, our phone rang…my “hello” was greeted with “Yes, this is --------, the producer of the Montel Williams Show. We would like to fly you and your husband out and bring you to our studio. As I was trying to discern the voice, assuming this had to be a prank – she continued…. “---“ has contacted us and would like you all to be on an upcoming show talking about dysfunctional stepfamilies. The producer asked me to talk to my husband and to get back with her. There was never any “thought” necessary…but a return call to the number provided was verification. This hadn’t been a prank but yet another outlandish act and quest for attention. (It wouldn’t have surprised me at all to pick up the phone again and hear, “This is the Jerry Springer show…”)
• Well, as my children graduated from high school – I thought this chapter of drama was complete. But…NO, in the last 15 months – I’ve been slandered in print – thanks to an article in our local newspaper regarding my son’s deployment and being away from home over Christmas. Given that she lived in another state, no one is sure how she even found out about the article, but it pushed her over the edge. Her posse was actively bashing me on the newspapers’ website and accusations and threats were again flying over Social media. My children discovered these rants – not me. A few months after the newspaper article ran, my son married his beautiful bride. At the wedding, the ex and her entourage proceeded to mark through my name on wedding bulletins, replacing it with her own. (All the while making no shortage of grunts and facial expressions…. I’m surprised they didn’t bring Montel with them!) The beautiful afternoon also included a very unkind tongue lashing from BBW’s mother. It seems that my mere presence is simply a reminder of the selfish choices made by her daughter – which ultimately led to me being “mom” to the children she birthed. Apparently, it’s easier to lash out at the innocent, than to hold the responsible parties accountable.)
Many times I thought to myself, this was more than I bargained for. “This is too hard, this is not right, not fair, too painful – I can’t handle ANY more.” It seemed I was a walking target (not just for banana bread.) Being the mom of a blended family is something no one can understand without firsthand experience. The best advice for someone going through the challenges associated with blended families – great or small is to find someone who has walked the journey before you. That person can listen, empathize, encourage and carry you through with prayer…and laughter.
The listing above, while not comprehensive, is an indicator of emotional intellect and maturity I've long dealt with. While almost all of these situations led to tears of pain and frustration, in retrospect, many of these events now elicit laughter. (Never underestimate the healing power of humor!)
Speaking of healing power – God’s handprints are all over the tapestry of our lives. When the Sea of “Blended Bliss” became too much to bear, it was He who calmed the waters, and soothed the pain. Another blessing from God has been our incredible church family – supporting each of us with love and lots of prayer over the years.
Being a blended family is hard – without added complications. New siblings are added, the “birth order” is mingled and blurred, logistics change, and the emotional climate of the home becomes different. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles have no experience in this family dynamic - mistakes are made, feelings are hurt. (Most often – it was my feelings.) That was one advantage to having small children at the onset of the blended journey – they were most often unaware of the mistakes and unintended hurts. As they grew up, they were able to see for themselves any remaining prejudices.
For my friends in the “thick of it” and for the ones who are considering the possibility – be encouraged; for the comedy of horrors we’ve endured is far worse than what most will encounter. The good news? In spite of the attacks, the ploys, manipulation and the stress - my love for my children is deep. They're all grown and thriving, happy, healthy, mentally stable and committed to their own families. I'm fortunate to have a wonderful healthy relationship with my cherubs – and maybe a positive outcome of facing the difficulties together is a greater appreciation and love of each other. In many ways, we are closer than ever today – bonded more tightly than many “traditional families.” We are blessed beyond comprehension. We persevered!
Monday, March 14, 2011
An unexpected Role Model: Gaga
At the risk of causing a few of my friends/family to gasp and roll their eyes, I will first admit that my ipod contains music of ALL kinds, practically every genre. Artists in my current playlist range from Amy Grant, Stephen Curtis Chapman, Vince Gill, Barry White, The Doors, Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga, Prince, Cher, Elvis, to Sandi Patti. I have Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and Patsy Cline too. This does not mean I endorse, emulate, or propagate any of their ideals – their music is simply pleasing to my ears…and my feet!
In the last few weeks, several articles and blog posts ascribing judgment on Lady Gaga have crossed my sight. It’s interesting to me that she is the target of so much animosity. Is she eccentric? Sure. Are some of her lyrics questionable? Absolutely. Would I want my daughters to dress like her? NO WAY!Let's face it though, if we were to listen only to music by perfect vocalists; read books written by infallible authors, and watch movies with virginal content – written, produced and performed by flawless people who have never gone through a “rough season”, made poor decisions, etc. – we’d be listening, reading and watching nothing. I wouldn’t even be able to listen to my own singing in the shower and certainly would not read my ramblings!
You know the old adage: “Don’t say something about someone unless you’ve got something nice to say.” Well, I believe that many of us could learn a lesson from Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, aka “Lady Gaga” (Lady Gaga is definitely easier to say/write!) So, here’s a positive perspective on a current, controversial figure in pop culture.
First , she is consistent. She hasn’t backed down due to rampant criticism or vicious attacks by various organizations and groups. When spectators and paparazzi show up on the Red Carpet – they can be assured a grandiose entrance, outrageous couture, an eccentric identity, boldly on display. Gaga has remained true to her identity, with steadfast resolve. It would be great if Christians could do the same, instead we find it easier to point out flaws in the character of others. Sometimes, it’s to take the attention off of our own sinful inadequacies.
Some of the same people who apply harsh judgment to Gaga (and others) are the same ones who will proclaim Christ in one breath – and then commit one of a multitude of sins in the next: drink to excess, adultery, slander, etc. Basically, at times, our behavior begs onlookers to scratch their chins in contemplation…”are they, or are they not – who they say they are?”
Sometimes, we are chameleons – changing our “colors” to blend in with the group we find ourselves commingling with. Authenticity, regardless of persecution, criticism, isolation, raised eyebrows, etc. is what I desire for myself, and my friends and family. Here’s an example: If you come to my house, you will be offered a glass of wine with dinner – regardless of where I know you from. It’s who we are at my house, and it’s just how we roll. If you don’t want to partake, no biggie – just a simple, polite, “no thank you” will do. (Changing colors so often must make one really weary!)
Secondly, Gaga’s determined to stick out. She’s creative and very outrageous. What about us as believers? Are we truly light in a dark world? Do we stick out among our friends who have not come to know the Lord? Do they see something “different” about us that they find attractive… wanting to better understand what we believe – and hopefully, desiring the gift of salvation for themselves? Have we figured out creative ways to share God’s love with others? Is our identity as a Christ follower evident in all that we say and do?
Most of us don’t walk the red carpet. We do go to the grocery store, post office, gym, etc. Would the friends we encounter at those places know, beyond a shadow of doubt that our Christian identity will be BOLDLY on display? Will they see fruit of the Spirit, in us? (No feathers or oversized eggs required!)
Are you, like me, a fan of any of the artists listed at the beginning of this post? A quick google search will reveal that most – but not all, have been arrested, involved in extramarital affairs, partaken illegal drugs, etc. (Interestingly, I’ve heard very little about those situations.)
So, Lady Gaga isn’t a perfect person….neither am I. She may have an amazing testimony one day – and I hope she’ll have everyone’s attention when she shares it.
T
*Note: A recent Barna study revealed that 37% of teenagers name (non-parental) relatives as the most influential role models in their lives. (11% indicated teachers and coaches; 9% - their friends; and pastors/religious leaders came in at 6%). The study purposefully, omitted “parents” as it was suspected most teens would have selected this response. These answers are reflective of influential persons in the lives of teens, outside of parental influences.
Perhaps, we should leverage the influence we have with our older children. Instead of completely “boycotting” certain music, movies, tv shows, etc., it seems logical to me that we could spend time with our teens, and consider some of today’s media influences “teachable moments”.
In the last few weeks, several articles and blog posts ascribing judgment on Lady Gaga have crossed my sight. It’s interesting to me that she is the target of so much animosity. Is she eccentric? Sure. Are some of her lyrics questionable? Absolutely. Would I want my daughters to dress like her? NO WAY!Let's face it though, if we were to listen only to music by perfect vocalists; read books written by infallible authors, and watch movies with virginal content – written, produced and performed by flawless people who have never gone through a “rough season”, made poor decisions, etc. – we’d be listening, reading and watching nothing. I wouldn’t even be able to listen to my own singing in the shower and certainly would not read my ramblings!
You know the old adage: “Don’t say something about someone unless you’ve got something nice to say.” Well, I believe that many of us could learn a lesson from Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, aka “Lady Gaga” (Lady Gaga is definitely easier to say/write!) So, here’s a positive perspective on a current, controversial figure in pop culture.
First , she is consistent. She hasn’t backed down due to rampant criticism or vicious attacks by various organizations and groups. When spectators and paparazzi show up on the Red Carpet – they can be assured a grandiose entrance, outrageous couture, an eccentric identity, boldly on display. Gaga has remained true to her identity, with steadfast resolve. It would be great if Christians could do the same, instead we find it easier to point out flaws in the character of others. Sometimes, it’s to take the attention off of our own sinful inadequacies.
Some of the same people who apply harsh judgment to Gaga (and others) are the same ones who will proclaim Christ in one breath – and then commit one of a multitude of sins in the next: drink to excess, adultery, slander, etc. Basically, at times, our behavior begs onlookers to scratch their chins in contemplation…”are they, or are they not – who they say they are?”
Sometimes, we are chameleons – changing our “colors” to blend in with the group we find ourselves commingling with. Authenticity, regardless of persecution, criticism, isolation, raised eyebrows, etc. is what I desire for myself, and my friends and family. Here’s an example: If you come to my house, you will be offered a glass of wine with dinner – regardless of where I know you from. It’s who we are at my house, and it’s just how we roll. If you don’t want to partake, no biggie – just a simple, polite, “no thank you” will do. (Changing colors so often must make one really weary!)
Secondly, Gaga’s determined to stick out. She’s creative and very outrageous. What about us as believers? Are we truly light in a dark world? Do we stick out among our friends who have not come to know the Lord? Do they see something “different” about us that they find attractive… wanting to better understand what we believe – and hopefully, desiring the gift of salvation for themselves? Have we figured out creative ways to share God’s love with others? Is our identity as a Christ follower evident in all that we say and do?
Most of us don’t walk the red carpet. We do go to the grocery store, post office, gym, etc. Would the friends we encounter at those places know, beyond a shadow of doubt that our Christian identity will be BOLDLY on display? Will they see fruit of the Spirit, in us? (No feathers or oversized eggs required!)
Are you, like me, a fan of any of the artists listed at the beginning of this post? A quick google search will reveal that most – but not all, have been arrested, involved in extramarital affairs, partaken illegal drugs, etc. (Interestingly, I’ve heard very little about those situations.)
So, Lady Gaga isn’t a perfect person….neither am I. She may have an amazing testimony one day – and I hope she’ll have everyone’s attention when she shares it.
T
*Note: A recent Barna study revealed that 37% of teenagers name (non-parental) relatives as the most influential role models in their lives. (11% indicated teachers and coaches; 9% - their friends; and pastors/religious leaders came in at 6%). The study purposefully, omitted “parents” as it was suspected most teens would have selected this response. These answers are reflective of influential persons in the lives of teens, outside of parental influences.
Perhaps, we should leverage the influence we have with our older children. Instead of completely “boycotting” certain music, movies, tv shows, etc., it seems logical to me that we could spend time with our teens, and consider some of today’s media influences “teachable moments”.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
"Packing"
My dear husband and I often encouraged our three teens to consider long-term outcomes when making "immediate" decisions. As they entertained "post high school" options, we coached each of them with even more fervor. We reminded them that choices at that particular stage of life would drastically affect the remainder of their adult lives, as well as the lives of future spouses and children. While the “teen years” are indeed a critical stage of decision-making, all subsequent decisions have the potential to radically influence our remaining years.
I’ll explain:
During our short engagement, Bill and I agreed that as soon as feasible, we'd get plugged in to a local church. When we married, we had custody of the three small children between us. Within a few months of marrying, we moved to a neighborhood in a top school district and with enough bedrooms that our little girls no longer had to share living space.
It took no time at all to bond with a couple of the ladies in our new neighborhood. We were all "stay at home Moms" and often spent time together while the kids were in school. We'd even gather in the evenings while the neighborhood children gathered to play "flashlight tag" or "four square" in the street. It was really a wonderful place to raise a family.
My neighbor, "Cindy" and I walked many evenings. We’d chat about anything from marriage and children to books and beanie babies. One particular evening, she mentioned an invitation to attend a weekly "women's event" at a nearby church. Cindy shared what she knew about "Tuesday mornings" – they included various speakers, crafts, teaching, encouragement in the areas of motherhood/marriage, etc. Specifically, the upcoming speaker was scheduled to demonstrate "How to pack for a trip". My sweet friend wanted to go - and she asked me to join her. True confession: my immediate thoughts did not run to the prospect of great Bible teaching, nor encouragement in my roles as a mom and wife. Instead - I was EXCITED about learning how to better pack my travelpro roller board! (Priorities - right?)
Tuesday morning, we showed up at Fellowship and were greeted by a plethora of women...and fabulous baked goods too. We worshipped, participated in table discussion, and learned Biblical principles for living. As promised, we learned packing tips. Did you know that “rolling up your clothes like a tootsie roll, allows you to fit more in the suitcase and resists wrinkling??? It was a FABULOUS 2 1/2 hours! We couldn't wait for the following week - and the next, and the next. Cindy and I continued to go together for awhile, and at some point, I started going alone.
As God pre-ordained, I quickly became attached to a table of women who were Proverbs 31 "Powerhouses". As the youngest of these 8-10 women, both chronologically and spiritually, I quickly grew to love them and desperately desired to learn from them. Having been a Christian for several years, with no real discipleship, I was still very much a baby. It's no accident that my seat was among these very wise women: Dee, Annette, Emily, Judy, Julie, Karen T and Ronna. As I sit here many years later, there's no doubt that these wonderful women had no idea of how much they blessed, encouraged and inspired me to grow in my own walk with the Lord. (Now, I consider those special ladies - along with Suzanne, Gwen, Carol and Karen L to be some of the "Elizabeths" in my life.)
Meanwhile, because I enjoyed the worship and teaching on Tuesday mornings so much - my husband agreed to give FBC a try. (We were "looking" for a home church, so why not?) The five of us went to church one Sunday morning, early in 96 - and from that day on, FBC has been our "home." After our family settled into FBC for awhile, I noticed an available part time position in the church office. The hours were a great fit, still allowing me to be home before and after the kids were at school. After a couple of nerve-wracking interviews, I was offered the position. (That whole process was faith building in itself!) The staff became "family" - and my circle of mentors and close friends expanded greatly.
Over the last sixteen years, all three of my children have come into a saving relationship with Jesus; We have all come to know Him more intimately, while experiencing true, authentic community; We've had the incredible privilege of blessing others by praying for and serving them; Many of our closest friends are from church, and most of those that aren't, have visited church with us; Our kids have been plugged in to community groups through volatile seasons of their lives, which provided another level of support, beyond parental; We have tearfully hugged our daughters as they left on numerous Mission Trips and we've tearfully hugged them upon their return; When holidays are celebrated and milestones reached, we look around and see the faces of Fellowship in our kitchen and living room - celebrating with us; When we've dealt with challenges, it's often the faces of Fellowship who are here again, praying for and encouraging us.
In 2005, I was offered the opportunity to support our incoming Senior Pastor. It wasn't something I necessarily "pursued" – but, in retrospect, it's further evidence of the Divine Hand of God, orchestrating the details of life....and blessing the obedient choices. (Sometimes, I wonder what blessings have been missed because of failure to obey.) My role is still that of supporting Dr. Loritts. Through his expository preaching and through the Godly example he and his wonderful wife have been - my family has been profoundly blessed. My love of God's Word, and my own relationship with Jesus, has grown exponentially. A few months ago, I wrestled with the thought of leaving this position at FBC, for reasons most likely influenced by the Enemy. However, God has made it PERFECTLY clear that my calling at this point in life is to remain. He’s kept me here for many years – and apparently, He’s got more in store.
It’s poetic in a sense…. My body first darkened the door of FBC because of a silly desire to more efficiently pack a suitcase – instead, I am still learning how to “pack” for the lifelong journey. While I’ve not mastered the packing (or anything), there has been recognizable progress as evidenced by a recent discussion. Someone who knew me well before now, made a comment to a mutual friend, stating that “I’ve not always been so Holy acting.” Upon hearing this, my knee-jerk response was “how could he be so unkind???” Almost immediately, the Holy Spirit helped me realize that this person from my past, while being caddy, unintentionally affirmed God’s work in my life. I then responded to our mutual friend, “he’s right – I am a completely different person now.”
Quite honestly, I’ve never been more excited about what comes next - another opportunity to marvel at His workmanship, His attention to detail, His protection and love…and even His refining. My heart’s desire, more than ever, is to share with others – to encourage and serve those who have yet to know such Amazing Love. It’s time for me to be an “Elizabeth” to young, clueless girls – kind of like me on that first Tuesday. Perhaps I’ll host a “how to pack” event.
*Note: In addition to the many FBC women named, are so many others who have loved me dearly, who have laughed and cried with me – and hugged me and stood by me. I’m forever grateful for all of you.
*Cindy, you probably didn’t realize how much that invitation, seemingly inconsequential, would impact my walk with Christ and the growth of my family. I will be forever grateful that you asked me to join you. (If we ever remember the name of the lady who invited you, I would love to encourage her to keep extending invitations.)
*As an encouragement, seeds planted may grow – even if we don’t get to see the resulting flower.
I’ll explain:
During our short engagement, Bill and I agreed that as soon as feasible, we'd get plugged in to a local church. When we married, we had custody of the three small children between us. Within a few months of marrying, we moved to a neighborhood in a top school district and with enough bedrooms that our little girls no longer had to share living space.
It took no time at all to bond with a couple of the ladies in our new neighborhood. We were all "stay at home Moms" and often spent time together while the kids were in school. We'd even gather in the evenings while the neighborhood children gathered to play "flashlight tag" or "four square" in the street. It was really a wonderful place to raise a family.
My neighbor, "Cindy" and I walked many evenings. We’d chat about anything from marriage and children to books and beanie babies. One particular evening, she mentioned an invitation to attend a weekly "women's event" at a nearby church. Cindy shared what she knew about "Tuesday mornings" – they included various speakers, crafts, teaching, encouragement in the areas of motherhood/marriage, etc. Specifically, the upcoming speaker was scheduled to demonstrate "How to pack for a trip". My sweet friend wanted to go - and she asked me to join her. True confession: my immediate thoughts did not run to the prospect of great Bible teaching, nor encouragement in my roles as a mom and wife. Instead - I was EXCITED about learning how to better pack my travelpro roller board! (Priorities - right?)
Tuesday morning, we showed up at Fellowship and were greeted by a plethora of women...and fabulous baked goods too. We worshipped, participated in table discussion, and learned Biblical principles for living. As promised, we learned packing tips. Did you know that “rolling up your clothes like a tootsie roll, allows you to fit more in the suitcase and resists wrinkling??? It was a FABULOUS 2 1/2 hours! We couldn't wait for the following week - and the next, and the next. Cindy and I continued to go together for awhile, and at some point, I started going alone.
As God pre-ordained, I quickly became attached to a table of women who were Proverbs 31 "Powerhouses". As the youngest of these 8-10 women, both chronologically and spiritually, I quickly grew to love them and desperately desired to learn from them. Having been a Christian for several years, with no real discipleship, I was still very much a baby. It's no accident that my seat was among these very wise women: Dee, Annette, Emily, Judy, Julie, Karen T and Ronna. As I sit here many years later, there's no doubt that these wonderful women had no idea of how much they blessed, encouraged and inspired me to grow in my own walk with the Lord. (Now, I consider those special ladies - along with Suzanne, Gwen, Carol and Karen L to be some of the "Elizabeths" in my life.)
Meanwhile, because I enjoyed the worship and teaching on Tuesday mornings so much - my husband agreed to give FBC a try. (We were "looking" for a home church, so why not?) The five of us went to church one Sunday morning, early in 96 - and from that day on, FBC has been our "home." After our family settled into FBC for awhile, I noticed an available part time position in the church office. The hours were a great fit, still allowing me to be home before and after the kids were at school. After a couple of nerve-wracking interviews, I was offered the position. (That whole process was faith building in itself!) The staff became "family" - and my circle of mentors and close friends expanded greatly.
Over the last sixteen years, all three of my children have come into a saving relationship with Jesus; We have all come to know Him more intimately, while experiencing true, authentic community; We've had the incredible privilege of blessing others by praying for and serving them; Many of our closest friends are from church, and most of those that aren't, have visited church with us; Our kids have been plugged in to community groups through volatile seasons of their lives, which provided another level of support, beyond parental; We have tearfully hugged our daughters as they left on numerous Mission Trips and we've tearfully hugged them upon their return; When holidays are celebrated and milestones reached, we look around and see the faces of Fellowship in our kitchen and living room - celebrating with us; When we've dealt with challenges, it's often the faces of Fellowship who are here again, praying for and encouraging us.
In 2005, I was offered the opportunity to support our incoming Senior Pastor. It wasn't something I necessarily "pursued" – but, in retrospect, it's further evidence of the Divine Hand of God, orchestrating the details of life....and blessing the obedient choices. (Sometimes, I wonder what blessings have been missed because of failure to obey.) My role is still that of supporting Dr. Loritts. Through his expository preaching and through the Godly example he and his wonderful wife have been - my family has been profoundly blessed. My love of God's Word, and my own relationship with Jesus, has grown exponentially. A few months ago, I wrestled with the thought of leaving this position at FBC, for reasons most likely influenced by the Enemy. However, God has made it PERFECTLY clear that my calling at this point in life is to remain. He’s kept me here for many years – and apparently, He’s got more in store.
It’s poetic in a sense…. My body first darkened the door of FBC because of a silly desire to more efficiently pack a suitcase – instead, I am still learning how to “pack” for the lifelong journey. While I’ve not mastered the packing (or anything), there has been recognizable progress as evidenced by a recent discussion. Someone who knew me well before now, made a comment to a mutual friend, stating that “I’ve not always been so Holy acting.” Upon hearing this, my knee-jerk response was “how could he be so unkind???” Almost immediately, the Holy Spirit helped me realize that this person from my past, while being caddy, unintentionally affirmed God’s work in my life. I then responded to our mutual friend, “he’s right – I am a completely different person now.”
Quite honestly, I’ve never been more excited about what comes next - another opportunity to marvel at His workmanship, His attention to detail, His protection and love…and even His refining. My heart’s desire, more than ever, is to share with others – to encourage and serve those who have yet to know such Amazing Love. It’s time for me to be an “Elizabeth” to young, clueless girls – kind of like me on that first Tuesday. Perhaps I’ll host a “how to pack” event.
*Note: In addition to the many FBC women named, are so many others who have loved me dearly, who have laughed and cried with me – and hugged me and stood by me. I’m forever grateful for all of you.
*Cindy, you probably didn’t realize how much that invitation, seemingly inconsequential, would impact my walk with Christ and the growth of my family. I will be forever grateful that you asked me to join you. (If we ever remember the name of the lady who invited you, I would love to encourage her to keep extending invitations.)
*As an encouragement, seeds planted may grow – even if we don’t get to see the resulting flower.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Diary of a Little Girl....30 Years Later
Last week, my husband, daughter and I sat at the dinner table and read through my newly discovered diary from 7th and 8th grade. While we all laughed at much of the pre-teen drama, I cringed as some of the words I penned as a 12/13 year old were read aloud by my daughter. Highlights of those painful words follow:
“All the boys like her because she is rich and has a big chest.” (Re: a classmate who had stolen the attention of the boy I had a crush on.)
“My friend ___ and I have decided to go on a diet to lose weight, be healthier, and prettier…which I need to improve all three. I think I’m the 2nd ugliest girl in the 7th grade.” (No, I don’t recall who was in first place.)
“I have a very, very bad problem. I am very, very, very ugly. I try everything but nothing works.”
“No one in the school likes me except the girls and a few boys – as friends. Part of the reason some of the girls don’t like me is that I don’t wear nice clothes…even though I want to.”
“I am 13 and flat! Something must be wrong with me.”
“I still don’t have a boyfriend and guess I never will. I am the ugliest girl in Milton.”
As the words from 30 years ago were read aloud, the horrible recollection of my “self image” came to the forefront of my mind. It’s funny – some of the words seem so out of character for the grown woman that I am today. Sadly, though, some of those same thoughts of insecurity, and unworthiness, are often just below the service and creep up when least expected.
It’s easy to see how poor self image as a young girl literally shaped many of my obsessions, preferences, and even negative thought patterns as I entered adulthood, marriage, and motherhood.
The numerous references to my weight, while also seeing photos of a very thin girl taken during that same period, illustrate where my later fascination with Ipecac syrup and laxatives originated. Always striving to be prettier, thinner, better…. (It would literally break my heart to think that either of my girls ever came close to the depths of sadness that was my world then.)
The striving was beyond appearance-related ambition. I really felt for many years – no guy would ever desire to marry or even seriously “date” me. Why would they want to associate with an unattractive girl of no value? Clearly, the “a bad relationship is better than no relationship” mindset led to a couple of regrettable relationship decisions rooted in desperation. (Phew – thank God those are behind me now!) Even still, nothing is wasted in God’s economy.
As a straight-A, gawky young girl – I did find approval among teachers. Talking in classes and bad behavior were never an issue. Besides that, teachers could count on me to accurately grade papers, run errands, etc. making me their little helper – and helping me determine (wrongly) that my worth was tied to performance. Being a “teacher’s pet” was better than being a total zero. As I entered the corporate world, I found myself always working to be the best at whatever my position was. Accordingly, promotions came easily, and recognitions and affirmations were somewhat of an addictive drug. I was an adult, but still working hard to be the “teacher’s pet.” Now I realize my tendency to be a “people pleaser” at 42 stems from these early and lasting lies from the Enemy. Boundaries have been a relentless weak spot. The word “no” has eluded my responses to others inviting me to assume tasks, assignments, volunteer opportunities, etc. This was never a conscience decision – it was simply a natural progression.
Being laid up for several weeks over the winter months allowed considerable time to reflect on life. Perhaps the reason I’ve been so sick lately, MAY just be that being “still” on my own wasn’t going to happen. My belief is that God brought me and my activity to a screeching halt so that much needed reflection and growth could take place.
As epiphanies flooded my exhausted brain – a realization came that my children served as a shield between me and the rest of the world. Every year, I assumed Room Mom responsibilities, roles on various PTA committees, perpetual duties as Team Mom for baseball, soccer, etc., being the “troop cookie mom” way too many times, brownies, girl scouts, Pioneer Clubs and hosting well-planned birthday parties! Being the “ultimate mom” became another way for me to “achieve worth” and avoid being seen for the “awkward, gangly 12 year old girl that lives inside of me.” Interestingly, as my youngest started college in September, I think in a bizarre way – I felt exposed again. No longer hiding behind my role as “the ultimate mom”, the 12 year old “me” began to re-emerge.
Currently, one of my community groups at church is studying a book by Jan Silvious, titled “Big Girls Don’t Whine.” The over-arching principle of last week’s lesson was “You are valuable just because you are you. God has plans for you just because you are you.” In God’s timing, my group was scheduled to present the lesson on Thursday morning… My childhood diary surfaced Wednesday night. It wasn’t until about an hour before Thursday’s class that God really laid it upon my heart that the words from my childhood journal illustrated so many of the points in the text. Our value is not something we earn, it’s not in how we look, dress, date, marry, mother and perform – it’s simply because we are created in the image of God. Each of us is “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Ps 139:14) I have too often lost sight of this truth and failed to fully enjoy the freedom that is ours in Christ. The Enemy knows my Achilles heel.
Thankfully, my daughters have heard the words “you’re beautiful” frequently in our home. They have also been affirmed for implementing the various talents and gifts they have been given. They learned the love of Jesus at early ages. While most girls may struggle with their self image at times, I think it’s critical for us as parents to talk to our daughters (and sons)…and to make sure they feel unconditional love from us. We need to tell them they are part of a greater plan – and NO ONE could take their place…. Our daughters are valuable because “they are they” and God has plans for their lives for that reason alone.”
In summary, the 42 year old me is a little heartbroken for the 12 year old whose words sting still today. The shy, insecure little girl is still in there somewhere. While I don’t want to obsess over “her” – I don’t want to forget “her” completely. “The 12 year old Tawnda” is still being used by God in a powerful way…reminding “Modern Day Me” of God’s faithfulness, and the promises of redemption, of bringing beauty out of ashes. Hopefully, her story will serve as an encouragement to one of my good friends as she mothers her daughter….or if she is at all like me, still battling occasionally with the 12 year old living within.
Let’s face it….we are all “big girls” with some “little girl tendencies”.
“All the boys like her because she is rich and has a big chest.” (Re: a classmate who had stolen the attention of the boy I had a crush on.)
“My friend ___ and I have decided to go on a diet to lose weight, be healthier, and prettier…which I need to improve all three. I think I’m the 2nd ugliest girl in the 7th grade.” (No, I don’t recall who was in first place.)
“I have a very, very bad problem. I am very, very, very ugly. I try everything but nothing works.”
“No one in the school likes me except the girls and a few boys – as friends. Part of the reason some of the girls don’t like me is that I don’t wear nice clothes…even though I want to.”
“I am 13 and flat! Something must be wrong with me.”
“I still don’t have a boyfriend and guess I never will. I am the ugliest girl in Milton.”
As the words from 30 years ago were read aloud, the horrible recollection of my “self image” came to the forefront of my mind. It’s funny – some of the words seem so out of character for the grown woman that I am today. Sadly, though, some of those same thoughts of insecurity, and unworthiness, are often just below the service and creep up when least expected.
It’s easy to see how poor self image as a young girl literally shaped many of my obsessions, preferences, and even negative thought patterns as I entered adulthood, marriage, and motherhood.
The numerous references to my weight, while also seeing photos of a very thin girl taken during that same period, illustrate where my later fascination with Ipecac syrup and laxatives originated. Always striving to be prettier, thinner, better…. (It would literally break my heart to think that either of my girls ever came close to the depths of sadness that was my world then.)
The striving was beyond appearance-related ambition. I really felt for many years – no guy would ever desire to marry or even seriously “date” me. Why would they want to associate with an unattractive girl of no value? Clearly, the “a bad relationship is better than no relationship” mindset led to a couple of regrettable relationship decisions rooted in desperation. (Phew – thank God those are behind me now!) Even still, nothing is wasted in God’s economy.
As a straight-A, gawky young girl – I did find approval among teachers. Talking in classes and bad behavior were never an issue. Besides that, teachers could count on me to accurately grade papers, run errands, etc. making me their little helper – and helping me determine (wrongly) that my worth was tied to performance. Being a “teacher’s pet” was better than being a total zero. As I entered the corporate world, I found myself always working to be the best at whatever my position was. Accordingly, promotions came easily, and recognitions and affirmations were somewhat of an addictive drug. I was an adult, but still working hard to be the “teacher’s pet.” Now I realize my tendency to be a “people pleaser” at 42 stems from these early and lasting lies from the Enemy. Boundaries have been a relentless weak spot. The word “no” has eluded my responses to others inviting me to assume tasks, assignments, volunteer opportunities, etc. This was never a conscience decision – it was simply a natural progression.
Being laid up for several weeks over the winter months allowed considerable time to reflect on life. Perhaps the reason I’ve been so sick lately, MAY just be that being “still” on my own wasn’t going to happen. My belief is that God brought me and my activity to a screeching halt so that much needed reflection and growth could take place.
As epiphanies flooded my exhausted brain – a realization came that my children served as a shield between me and the rest of the world. Every year, I assumed Room Mom responsibilities, roles on various PTA committees, perpetual duties as Team Mom for baseball, soccer, etc., being the “troop cookie mom” way too many times, brownies, girl scouts, Pioneer Clubs and hosting well-planned birthday parties! Being the “ultimate mom” became another way for me to “achieve worth” and avoid being seen for the “awkward, gangly 12 year old girl that lives inside of me.” Interestingly, as my youngest started college in September, I think in a bizarre way – I felt exposed again. No longer hiding behind my role as “the ultimate mom”, the 12 year old “me” began to re-emerge.
Currently, one of my community groups at church is studying a book by Jan Silvious, titled “Big Girls Don’t Whine.” The over-arching principle of last week’s lesson was “You are valuable just because you are you. God has plans for you just because you are you.” In God’s timing, my group was scheduled to present the lesson on Thursday morning… My childhood diary surfaced Wednesday night. It wasn’t until about an hour before Thursday’s class that God really laid it upon my heart that the words from my childhood journal illustrated so many of the points in the text. Our value is not something we earn, it’s not in how we look, dress, date, marry, mother and perform – it’s simply because we are created in the image of God. Each of us is “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Ps 139:14) I have too often lost sight of this truth and failed to fully enjoy the freedom that is ours in Christ. The Enemy knows my Achilles heel.
Thankfully, my daughters have heard the words “you’re beautiful” frequently in our home. They have also been affirmed for implementing the various talents and gifts they have been given. They learned the love of Jesus at early ages. While most girls may struggle with their self image at times, I think it’s critical for us as parents to talk to our daughters (and sons)…and to make sure they feel unconditional love from us. We need to tell them they are part of a greater plan – and NO ONE could take their place…. Our daughters are valuable because “they are they” and God has plans for their lives for that reason alone.”
In summary, the 42 year old me is a little heartbroken for the 12 year old whose words sting still today. The shy, insecure little girl is still in there somewhere. While I don’t want to obsess over “her” – I don’t want to forget “her” completely. “The 12 year old Tawnda” is still being used by God in a powerful way…reminding “Modern Day Me” of God’s faithfulness, and the promises of redemption, of bringing beauty out of ashes. Hopefully, her story will serve as an encouragement to one of my good friends as she mothers her daughter….or if she is at all like me, still battling occasionally with the 12 year old living within.
Let’s face it….we are all “big girls” with some “little girl tendencies”.
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