When you DON'T care enough "to send the very best..".

Mother's Day is just four days away.  As with most holidays, we tend to reflect on meaning.  This is one "Hallmark Holiday" that has always tripped me up a bit, and left me filling somewhat conflicted...until now.   It's very difficult to find just the "right" card with the right sentiment for some "mothers".  My guess is that using white-out, or simply striking through the mushy stuff on most Mother's Day cards isn't advisable. The blatant deletion would cause more issue than "no card at all."  


Last year, amidst my quest - the perfect card met my stare ...it was short, simple, and didn't go on about how wonderfully the recipient "raised, nurtured and loved ".   There was no mention of "an increasing appreciation with age", etc.  In fact,  I'd venture to say that more thought went into the purchase of that particular card than most.  Thankfully, this perfect card was found at the Dollar Store....and better yet, it was ONLY 50 cents - a BARGAIN!  


As is customary, I signed my name and mailed the card.  There - I found a way to "honor" her.  Phew!  A few days later, we learned that the recipient of that carefully thought out card, didn't think it came from me and the question was raised to my husband... "So, who actually signed the card?  That wasn't Tawnda's handwriting."    (Seriously, this made me laugh!)  Well, much has changed since last year - God has brought much to light. The torment of shopping for the non-mushy card has been replaced with a newfound peace.  


For too many years, a particular verse plagued me:   Exodus 20:12"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.


Hmmm...  it took a long time to figure out that "Honoring" a parent, doesn't necessarily imply maintaining an ongoing, interactive relationship.  Gee, if only this lightbulb had gone off for me years ago, our family could have been spared much unnecessary card shopping at Hallmark (or Dollar Tree), drama, angst and mind games around holidays, school events, family milestones, etc. It turns out I subjected my husband and children to challenging scenarios that could have easily and justifiably, been avoided. 


Like all of "us", relationships are uniquely woven, wrought with history, complex nuances, dysfunctional tendencies, unmet expectations, and personality challenges. In my opinion, there is not a "one size fits all" answer to this issue of honoring a parent - especially, in a difficult relationship.  


Honoring may look like one or more of the "suggestions" below.  This is not an exhaustive list and there's probably no end to the combinations applicable to specific relationships:  

• Forgiveness - (Eph 4:32)  mandated by scripture over and over again. Forgiving someone only requires action from the "injured party"  and does not imply  restoration - that takes both parties.  Forgiveness is freeing for the offended.  (in this case, the adult child.) It doesn't mean you pretend something "never happened."  That's denial.
• You can honor your parents by the way you live your life (they may have no clue how you live your life...but it doesn't matter.  God sees it all.)
• Taking care of parents in their old age - or when injured/sick, etc. (not for everyone)
• You can write a letter/tribute thanking a parent for anything positive they may have done...a dear friend of mine has shared that years ago, she wrote a note thanking her mother for making the decision to give birth to her and not abort.  
• If being in the presence of one or both parents causes strife without fail, one way to honor them is to avoid that situation.  (that was a freeing thought for me - and literally brought peace, joy and laughter back to our more recent family gatherings.)
• Sending a card or meaningful gift (but one dear friend and mentor has cautioned against continuing to place pearls before swine. Matt 7:6) 
• There are additional ways....   (I may add more later!)

One other thought on this matter:  We are all to honor our parents BUT sometimes "parents" remove themselves from a position of honor.  Many hours have been spent talking with 3 pastors, well-grounded in God's word and with great wisdom from many decades of life and ministry.  

I wish I had a better understanding on this subject years ago.  Because of my application of the scripture, much was endured that could have been avoided. It seems to me, that "honoring parents", "submission to husbands", and "forgiveness" are three biblical concepts very often misunderstood and misapplied.  (Unfortunately, also used as manipulation.) 

As demonstrated over and over, if we give unpleasant situations, circumstances, relationships, etc. over to God, He can and will use the "yucky stuff" in a beautiful way.  We may not always see it with our own eyes or even in our lifetime - but it's an incredible gift when we do get to see how He orchestrates those difficulties into a beautiful tapestry - uniquely ours....but on display for all to see and for Him to be further glorified.


                                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's now crystal clear that He was preparing me for an assignment of sorts...  and while I don't see the "whole picture", enough has been made visible that it encourages me for what may come next. (More on that later)  We all don't have the best relationships with our birth parents.  There are vast differences between a "Mother" listed on a birth certificate and  a "mommy" in the heart of a child.  It takes little effort to become a "mother" and it takes a lifetime of effort, sacrifice, love, tenderness, pain, selflessness, energy, multi-tasking and never-ending concern and prayer to be a MOM.  


As I've repeated before, "giving birth to a baby makes you a mom, the same way that standing in the garage makes you a car."  (thankfully, I've experienced being a mom from pregnancy forward and I've experienced being a non-bio mom too.  There is no shame in raising and loving children who don't have your DNA.) 


Happy Mom's Day....  
T