The Big O - Look for "Win-Wins"

Well, the last few days have hit our family with more than one "surprise".... I'd like to say they are all the best kind - but that would be dishonest.  Life doesn't stop when trials come, but we adapt and keep moving forward.  With every hit, we learn more about ourselves; the strength of our family; the depth of our faith; the value of friendship - and the infinite value of prayer, and the often discounted value of rest.  Quite honestly, in times like these - "order" is of greater signifcance than in times of "no drama."

Again, not much time to elaborate personally today, but organizational baby steps are still happening.  With a packed weekend in front of us - the baby steps will continue for a few days.  It's funny - but there is something strangely comforting about seeing personal progress toward a goal - that brings a bit of satisfaction, even in the midst of chaos. 
As I shared the last time, scheduling a "pick up" of donations is a great way to motivate one in the process of "clutter removal!"  With all that has been going on this week, my inclination was to cancel the pickup - but instead it remained on the calendar.  (Granted, not as much time was available to work on closets, basement, etc.)   Last night, it was probably good for me to expend frustration by loading boxes and lawn bags with discards.  Not only did the discards lessen the "stuff" in our home - but they will benefit others.  That actually feels good.  (And so much easier than coordinating a rummage sale.)  Of course, there's the added benefit of a tax deduction!   

So - today's tip - keep moving forward!  Every day, we're either moving closer toward or further from our target (whatever the target may be.)  "Baby steps" toward the desired outcome are far better than standing still. 

In just a short amount of time, here's a sampling of what was bagged/boxed and taken away this afternoon:

A desk, a floor lamp, several paintings, 2 large pieces of wall art, 2 large bookcases, a VCR, small television, mirrored dressing table, several large bags of MY clothes, school supplies, home decor, a vaccum, books, movies, toys, linens, etc. These items were all contributed to a ministry, ultimately benefitting a 20 member team heading to the Honduras this summer.  (I have another week to make another "clean sweep" through the basement in hopes of helping a bit more!)  

A "win-win" - the ministry picked the donated items up, I never left the house. 
The unnecessary clutter is not just eliminated, but will benefit others longterm.  


Bonus:  A fun little "organizational style" inventory is available at: 
http://www.bhg.com/decorating/storage/quiz/?psrc=R1201BSI5644R391SP

check it out for a few storage tips - combatible with your style
(my result was perfectionist librarian...hmmm)


 

An update on the "Big O" month of April

Coupon Reorg – Follow Up!  

It’s been an incredibly full Easter weekend – even so, when opportunity arose, I tackled part of the long overdue “coupon reorg”.    The initial goal was to obtain order and organization with the new 3 ring binder system - but related smaller projects were completed too.  (Again, every day this month – the ultimate goal is that SOMETHING, no matter how small, will become better organized.)  

End Result:

The 3 Ring Binder is filled with clear baseball card pages – making it easy to locate and consider coupon purchases

Each “category” is indicated by a pocketed tabbed divider – appropriately labeled for my family’s shopping habits

Coupons in each category are filed by expiration date

The completed binder is very secure - much easier to manage and far less frustrating than the small "accordion files" that have been around forever. 

Since a few minutes on the weekend is all that's required to "maintain" order, the binder will stay in my "errand basket" in the trunk of my car.  (It's frustrating to make an unexpected stop at Publix only to get home and realize you could've saved $) 

Like many projects, this one took a while on the front end, but a test shopping experience on Saturday revealed the time was well invested.  With 15 minutes of “management” on Sunday afternoons, this initiative will prove to be cost effective and simplifying for the long term.  YAY! 

One bonus project was weeding expired coupons from the “Restaurant Box”.  (Any lidded box would likely work well, but ours was a gift from a friend  - years ago.) It’s been helpful in reducing “kitchen drawer/refrigerator front” craziness and can easily be accessed and managed in only 2 minutes a week or less. 

For several years, we’ve been void of questions like: “where’s the take-out menu for Magic Wok? What's the number for Pizza Hut, etc." 

The final “small” organizational accomplishment was cleaning out magazine baskets throughout the house.  While organizing grocery and store coupons, all magazines were quickly scanned to ensure there weren’t any overlooked savings opportunities.  While checking - I discarded magazines that have served their purpose and moved into the “unnecessary” category. 

What projects are staring at you?  What areas have you organizationally mastered and simplified?  A couple of regular practices I'm content with are: the aforementioned "errand basket";  books and movies inventory; greeting cards; gifts; toiletries; and daily mail. (Actually, you'll get to see my organizational "piece de la resistance" in the next few days!  If your family is like ours and watches a lot of movies - you'll like this suggestion!)

There are at least 21 more endeavors in my near future: pantry, master bathroom, several  bedroom closets, basement storage, my son’s “now vacant” bedroom, linens and more.  As April moves forward –  and progress continues I’ll share a few more tips that work well for our family….and would love for my friends to do the same!    T.

"Coupon Clutter"

Valassis (NYSE: VCI), one of USA’s leading media and marketing services companies, recently reported that shoppers saved $4.6 billion with coupons in 2011.  This was a $500 million increase over 2010.  The significant upswing is largely attributed to the mindset adopted during times of recession. 

We are all aware a recession has infiltrated our culture.  Many have been unfavorably affected by the economy. Those of us who haven’t – can likely name a number of friends/family who have suffered extended job loss, significant hits to their wallet, changes in real estate ownership and of course – emotional turmoil that results from the added stress of income reduction or even frequent dismal news reports. 

We are blessed – my husband has remained consistently employed.  Commissions may be down  - but income has at least been steady.   Sadly, it’s easy to adapt a dismissive mindset when one’s world has not been rocked by the perils of unemployment.  Even though we have friends and family who are among the nightly financial statistics, we can slip into financial ambivalence.  I’m not pointing fingers here – except at “myself.”

A few years ago, when my children were all still “children” – and my primary occupation was “stay at home Mom” -  I was a coupon fiend!   More than once, the person who lined up behind me at Publix/Kroger regretted their presumption.  Sure, my cart may have given the impression that the transaction was almost complete; what they didn’t notice was the stack of coupons in the hands of the cashier.   Oh yeah – I know what it means to be a “Coupon Queen.” 

Now, no longer with “little ones” in the home – my “outside the home calling” necessitates a significant number of available hours in a day.  (No complaints – I love it – and it’s exactly where I should be!)  Ironically, now it seems easier to spend funds out of convenience.  Honestly, some days –   it’s not convenience, but simply pure exhaustion.  Lately, my lax spending has convicted me.

 At times it seems current shopping habits negate  any “financial benefit” of the present calling.   As someone who prides herself on never spending full price for clothes and accessories – my frugality has grown slack in the weekly necessities.   OUCH.    

Tonight’s organizational endeavor is tied to COUPONS!  Quick google searches have resulted in numerous “methods” for categorizing grocery coupons.  With complete transparency, this is not a brand new conviction.  In late fall, when hubby and I got away for a week, the accumulation of coupons (including the expired ones) were packed and transported, with the greatest of organizational intentions.  OOPS – a few were “clipped” while at the beach – but attention was immediately turned to one of the several “Christian growth” books that were in the same bag!  (That’s one issue – biting off more than one could conceivably chew – even on VACATION!) 

So, in the same spirit of “transparency” – here’s a photo of my actual, current coupon collection – providing absolutely no financial benefit while expired and stuffed in a bag! UGH .

 An “After” photo will follow… in the meantime; assume this is what’s happening at the Holley Home:    Coupon Reorg  101!!!!  (Most likely with a movie in the background – organizing must be enjoyable to be sustained!)

• Organizing coupons by category and expiration date – in a large binder with baseball card sleeves (all purchased pre-November vacation!) 
• Discarding any and all coupons that reached expiration prior to NOW
• Duplicates placed in the same “card sleeve” – with the coupon expiring first – on top 

It’s about time this long-overdue and “unnoticed by others” project reaches completion (or at least commences!)   Why should ANYONE pay more than necessary for groceries?  DUH! 

We could ALL find better, more rewarding ways to spend those dollars!

Today's Tip - Organizing Information Overload (Reducing Paper)

The instructor of a time management class shared a few time saving tricks that worked well for her personally.  One of those was utilizing Contacts in Microsoft office as a “filing cabinet” rather than just an electronic rolodex.  This wasn’t part of the curriculum but instead, casual conversation.  At the time, I didn’t see great personal value in this practice – but tried it anyway.  Now, I can tell you – I’M A BELIEVER! My only regret is that this wasn’t known when my children were small.  This is a beneficial tool for anyone using Microsoft Office, either inside or out of the home. (I understand Lotus Notes possesses the same capability.)


Whenever convenient – and significant information is learned about an individual/friend/family member, it’s listed here so that their new baby, sick mother, etc. can be recalled by name.  In the office environment, I frequently make notes about assistants/their contact info/birthdays if known, etc.  (Note also:  If you receive a report or bio prepared by any individual the file can be saved to your desktop and then to the author’s  contact file for future reference.)

Notes don’t have to be written on paper, saved, filed, sifted through and misplaced – the information is available via the email client on any compatible device.  (I can access contacts on any computer, my iphone, ipad, etc.) 

Note Casual Conversational Reminders for "Diana Themyscira"

 

In addition to loading contact files with information, notes, photos, attachments, etc.   The Contacts database in Outlook works fabulously for organizing lists.  For simplicity, I denote all “lists” or “procedures” with @ before the name.  Years ago, I’d print out and refer to paper budgets; account number listings; policies; phone lists, snack schedules,  children’s game  schedules,  password lists, etc. 

Now, I just save updated files to the corresponding list in my contacts.  (The less paper – the less clutter and confusion!)

From a “mom” perspective –  a contact  file is saved for each of my children.  Each contains information for quick and easy access – significant events/anniversaries/gift ideas/prayer requests/concerns/passports/licenses/class schedules, etc. 

Since attachments can be added to the "contact file", it’s helpful to save copies of their passports and insurance cards, shot records, etc.  – all in one place.  (When you get a call from a child at the dentist office asking for an insurance card, it’s easily retrieved and emailed from any device.)  It’s not necessary to carry extra documents and cards in our wallets if we make use of this “electronic filing system.”   (It's proven helpful to have scanned images of driver licenses for spouse and children - whether registering for a Road Race or updating insurance - it's already in your posession, no need to inconvenience anyone - least of all yourself!) 

Speaking of passports, copies of my children’s’ and that of my boss – are appropriately saved.  Ironically, my day started with a trip to the bank to retrieve my own passport from the Safe Deposit Box.  (It won’t be returned without first scanning and saving to my own “contact file”.)    A trip to the bank would’ve been avoided had I done for myself what has been routinely done for others!  Duh.  There’s an immediate benefit to organizational improvement!

This has proven very beneficial personally, managing my home/family  and in ministry.... 

Perhaps it will help you? 

April - A Monthlong Focus on "The Big O"

So, there are multiple books about it – many are lined up neatly in my home office… 

We are inundated with articles on it in the supermarket checkout….

If our friends really knew how we struggled with it at times, we’d be embarrassed…

We need it badly – year round, but especially, around holidays, tax time, while traveling, when family visits, when the kids are little, when they are away at college, etc.  (Basically, any day that ends in a Y)

We need it almost everywhere…in the kitchen, under the bathroom sink, in  the trunk of the car, the garage, the basement, our kids’ rooms, our office, and especially in closets where we can hide a multitude of sins …

The need for it has become overwhelmingly apparent – yet so many of us fall short and our lives are seemingly more stressful than necessary as a result…

Some people come to me for coaching on this topic – and yes, it’s true that I’ve got a few little tricks that work for me.  (In the spirit of full disclosure, I must admit there are places and times that I struggle too.)

My objective is to thoroughly clean/organize my entire house this month!   Daily, my hope is to complete at least one project, some will be small.  (And the added accountability will be an incentive.)  Organization is critical to my goal of “living simply”.  Care to join me in the pursuit of the Ultimate O?  I’ll share my tips – please share yours!

The Ultimate or Big O?  Surely, you didn’t think I meant Oprah?  (No, I shared thoughts on her a few months ago):

http://tawnda.blogspot.com/2011/06/oprah-really.html)

 So Yes! April is all about the Ultimate in Organization!  (for me anyway)

Cousins, A Box, and Blue Grass...a Masterpiece in the Making

Family is a peculiar thing. Families are a compilation of imperfect people, with varying interests, preferences, and attitudes – all thrown into the same unit, none by informed choice. We are born, adopted or married into these hodgepodges of beautiful insanity. Ironically, we may find ourselves related to persons we’d otherwise cross the street to avoid. They mourn common losses; they celebrate many of the same life events. We sit near them in pews, fellowship halls, and the homes of our grandparents, aunts and uncles… not always knowing who they truly are - sometimes not caring to find out.

The last occasion I saw all of my North Carolina cousins was my grandmother’s funeral in September of 2010. Due to family strains that preceded her death – the infrequent visits at holidays and celebrations were fraught with awkward questions, conversations and blatant reminders of pains below the heart’s surface. Too often, I was guilty of not spending enough time with my grandmother and other relatives. Regretfully, avoidance of discomfort led to an absence of extended family. Yesterday, I was reminded of my shortsightedness.
A few weeks ago, one of my cousins invited me to join her and others for lunch and shopping. Grateful for the invitation and eager to reconnect – I quickly accepted. A handful of my NC cousins came to Atlanta for the day. It was wonderful to spend time catching up on life, reminiscing and laughing. Too easily, I become caught up in my own drama and forget what some of my childhood best friends may be experiencing as adults. 

My mind was flooded with fabulous childhood memories – good times. My NC relatives were an integral presence and active influences in my youth. We’d often visit my Grandparents for the weekend and there was my much anticipated week in the summer – without siblings. (Those weeks were the best!) With so many cousins on the same dirt road, there was no shortage of fun: Climbing on the red mud bank; walking down to look at the creek, going to Aunt Lil’s or Aunt Dinky’s house for scrabble – Barbies – and sleepovers with the cousins. Sleeping over at Aunt Lil and Uncle Sam’s house meant staying up late with Sis (Jennifer) and Cricket (Melissa). It also meant we’d wake up to the absolute best biscuits and gravy ever! In those early years, aunts, uncles and cousins taught me a lot – they probably didn’t realize the way I valued them nor how much my life was impacted by times together. It’s clear to me now, that Aunt Dinky likely launched my “germiphobe” tendencies. She was tenacious about handwashing….. and I LIKED it!

Aunt Lil probably doesn’t recall asking me one day if I was “saved”. Saved I thought – hmmm….. I suppose so. (The truth of the matter is that I had no clue what she was talking about!) That led to me ask my grandmother what Aunt Lil meant. Nannie went into detail about the gospel. When pressed for the “age” that this life changing decision should take place – she told me about the age of accountability. That answer did nothing but frustrate me because it was too vague. Looking back, Aunt Lil and Nannie were planting seeds that coupled with investment by others throughout life - would later grow into the faith that is my own today. Ironically, it was Aunt Marilyn on my dad’s side of the family that was taking me to church with her regularly when those seeds became fruit.

Granted, as the years went on, I loved asking Nannie questions about her faith. As my own knowledge and personal convictions grew – it became apparent that some of our beliefs were different. She had strong feelings about jewelry (she thought earrings should be limited to one per ear – I disagreed); makeup – I liked it….she was not a fan of my cosmetic application. She didn’t think that it was appropriate for children to play “Go Fish” or “Old Maid”, and she was outspoken against drinking. Of course, one of our more memorable conversations was when she alluded to the fact that dancing is not something I should be doing. This made absolutely no sense to me – and since dancing was a passion, I pressed in. “Why is dancing considered “wrong”? She told me that we should never do anything that we didn’t want to be doing the moment Jesus came back to Earth. This still made no sense to me – and I responded with “Well Nannie, I’d much rather be dancing than in the shower!” She was probably a little exasperated at that point. My convictions remained unaffected. Perhaps to her chagrin, her make up wearing –card playing – wine drinking - multiple pierced granddaughter has since spent quite a bit of time dancing. If she could, she’d probably roll over in her grave if informed of my tattoo!  So, while we didn’t agree on “shoulds and should nots” – we agreed on the fundamentals of Christian faith.  

The time with my cousins yesterday brought back great memories of being a child. It’s good to remember the positives and there were many. My cousins were my earliest best friends. They taught me a lot about life, and spending time with them was a refreshing respite as a kid! Besides, if not for my cousins – I would’ve believed in Santa forever and would’ve erroneously thought the word “virgin” was a bad word. 

Once home from our mini-reunion, I placed a box in front of my husband. It was a box given to me by my sister-in-law at lunch. It had been in her possession for some time and yesterday was the first opportunity to transfer ownership. Mixed emotions again flooded my thoughts as contents were removed. I imagined the process of family members sifting through 88 years accumulation of belongings, mementos and correspondence. The items that come to mind when I think of Nannie are her Bible, Scrabble game, cast iron skillets, Christmas stockings, ornaments and her glasses.  Who's box contained those items?  It’s strange what stands out about people and places – but these made an impression for varying reasons.    

The box of Nannie’s belongings that are now in my home consisted mostly of pictures of me (and later my family) and greeting cards from the time of my birth until recent years that were signed by me, or by my mother when I was too young to write. There is a broken figurine of a little girl – was that meant to be symbolic of me I wonder? There are three angel figurines that will find a place of value in the next day or so. I don’t remember them in her house – but the fact that they were hers makes them special. There were a couple of the ”grandma” gifts that I’d given her over the years – and two handkerchiefs that will be given to my daughters.   

There were a few discoveries from reading the greeting cards and photo backs. Apparently, everyone tried calling me “Tawnda Lee” for a while – thankfully, it never caught on. Apparently too, my grandmother went through multiple “grandma names” before “Nannie” was locked in. I never knew of the original monikers…but can’t imagine calling her anything but “Nannie.” Reading through news clippings and dance programs (how ironic) that she had kept all this time lets me know that she valued me. While I am beyond grateful for all the pictures and cards that were passed to me – the true treasure lies in the memories I have of long talks, marathon scrabble nights, big hugs that almost hurt and of course, the origins of my faith. While my views are somewhat different than hers, it was with my grandmother(s), aunts and cousins that I picked up little nuggets along the way, deciding for myself which I’d keep and which were not meant for me.
Between the wonderful afternoon spent with my cousins – and reviewing the contents of “the box” – I remembered being the little girl who loved spending time with Nannie, Papa, and all the aunts, uncles and cousins on Golden Road. These are people who were greatly foundational to the person I am today…and hopefully, they have some positive recollections of our earlier years too.  
Our lives are much like a patchwork quilt. The people, places and experiences known to us – good, bad or indifferent, influence the individual squares – some are beautiful, and some squares are just so-so. With the proper lining, backing and stitching, the finished product is a beautiful piece of art that brings warmth and comfort to generations that follow.

Cousins with August Birthdays - Karl, Melissa (Cricket), Me

My North Carolina relatives are about as “country” as country could get…. How fitting that this morning’s worship at FBC was “bluegrass” and that the hymns were reminiscent of childhood visits to Simonds Chapel…the tiny little church on a dirt road that occupies many of my childhood memories.  The banjo and steel guitar caused me to think of sitting with my grandfather on the front porch.With his overalls on and Red Man tobacco in his cheek, and a spit cup by his feet - he'd sing "Going up a cripple creek...Goin' up t' Cripple Creek, goin' on the runGoin' up t' Cripple Creek t' have a little fun"   

I’m grateful for a great weekend of reconnection and reflection on family. We vowed to get together once a quarter from now on… there’s no excuse to let years pass. Life is short and time is precious. As with every aspect of life, I pray my children will not repeat the mistakes of their mom, but that they will be different ….better at keeping up with their extended family as the years come and go. 

Lily & Bella - Their First Year (in pictures)

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Staff Serve Day - Project Open Hand in Midtown

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.... Not Made to be Fearful

She was extraordinarily quiet.  On rare occasions when she actually spoke, few could hear her.  She’s the girl who was typically first to finish assignments, yet would be the very last to raise her hand in answer to a teacher’s question.  If there were a group project, she’d be thrilled to complete all necessary research, illustrations, bibliographies, etc. – anything but the “verbal presentation.”   She was the seventh grader so nauseated from the thought of reciting the Star Spangled Banner in front of her class, that Mrs. Rayner  postponed her “speech” to the last possible moment.   In sixth grade, an A+ speller – she refused to sign up for the school wide spelling bee.  However, Mr. Graybert encouraged her to “give it a try”, persuading her to reluctantly enter at the very last minute and with zero study time.  Well, she won. (You’d think that could’ve been a great pre-adolescent confidence booster….but no.)   This horrifically awkward, insecure child, as you may have guessed – is me.

I’d be delighted to report that the shy little introvert grew into an easygoing, vivacious, confident woman with no apprehension of standing before peers, extended family, and groups in general.  Delighted – but lying.  The same overwhelming fear that accompanied “oral reports” throughout my academic career has yet to escape me.  While cheering my own children along in this very arena, great effort and creativity aided my escape from the dreaded “speaking role” – times too many to count.

There were a few occasions in my “younger adult” days that I thought this curse of silence had lost its hold.  But alas, it was merely the inhibition reduction associated with “name- your –fruity- Rum –drink- here”.  There is clearly no other explanation for a painfully shy girl to enter a dancing contest on stage at  Rupert’s in Buckhead .  It wasn’t ballroom dancing; it wasn’t the ballet studied for years – it was a Corona sponsored  event, at which members of the audience were invited to hop on stage, and dance with a 6’ inflatable Corona bottle, to the tune of “My Sharona”.   Just enough of a “Strawberry something” can make one momentarily forget the shy, awkward identity she clings to.  She loses sight of the fact that her place is in the corner…far away from any spotlight. 

Fast forward to a few years ago; at a staff event that I coordinated down to the last detail – it was requested that I make a brief introduction of a speaker.  Out of habit – my response was, “I can’t do that – I’m a behind the scenes person.”   No sooner than those words had left my mouth, my 5’9” stature felt about 3 inches tall.  Somewhere along life’s journey, this anxiety over “public speaking” became an identity I could safely hide behind.  Ironically, fashioning my worst fear into an adult-sized security blanket. 

That event resulted in a painful awareness of opportunities and experiences missed – because of my own avoidance.  At that realization, I vowed to move past this issue; like most vows, easier said than done.   There have been teeny tiny advancements and giant steps backward.  Toward the end of 2011, a revitalized conviction set in.  It was obvious that no amazing metamorphosis had occurred since that “awakening” a few Octobers earlier.  Drastic times call for drastic measures.                     

My hope at the onset of 2012 is that this year would be different – that my life would be different.   Specifically, areas that have long been unattended undernourished or underutilized.  No longer would I ride the waves of complacency, but instead choose to live with greater intentionality, embracing the victory and freedom and joy that are availalable to all of us. No longer did I want a major facet of my identity to be “the quiet/shy/awkward/don’t call on her” one.    It all requires awareness, effort, adjustment, accountability, and lots of prayer.  My journal for January points to an emphasis on relationships, worry and prayer.   The month of February has been saturated with lessons and reminders about overcoming fear.   (Not that relationships, worry, prayer and fear are all contained to a particular calendar month… it just seems they’ve been dominant lessons.)  My greatest fear, as silly and shallow as it may seem to some – is simply speaking in front of others.  (Regardless of group size/familiarity/ages, etc.)

On January 12^th, I was asked to talk to a group of junior and high school students at an FBC event to take place Friday, February 17^th. With over a month between “saying yes” and actual execution - I felt comfortable enough.  Beyond that, I did my absolute best NOT to let anyone know what I’d agreed to.    Better yet, I didn’t want the student ministries staff to know of the instantaneous nausea that afflicted me the moment I clicked “send” on the acceptance.

Heightened awareness of blind spots and a 2012 commitment to intentionality – have landed me in precarious positions in the last few weeks.  In Thursday Bible Study, not only did I “not look down” overtly avoiding eye contact, but I actually VOLUNTEERED in response to a request for a 15 minute VERBAL presentation on the Attributes of God.  SERIOUSLY?  Was that ME???  (It was uncomfortable to say the least, but I completed it – without barfing, fainting, or crying.)     The Attributes of God presentation was challenging enough.  Then the next big challenge set in  - the radical and uncharacteristic commitment  to speak to a sanctuary full of teenagers, adult chaperones, and leaders.  (Teenagers contributed to my ever increasing angst throughout school…. What was I thinking???)

The topic was my son, Tyler.   Let’s face it; I’m kind of an expert on the subject matter.   Specifically, I would share about him, making him “personal” and known to the students present.  Then the goal was to communicate the incredible supportive value that letters provide to our deployed Military.   Being the very proud Mom of a Marine son, complete with firsthand knowledge of deployments – this goal seemed compatible with acquired maternal insights. 

However, two days before the event, on Wednesday the 15^th of February, I was teetering on backing out.  Honestly, it was more of a “leaning” than a balanced teetering.  Since I hadn’t made a big deal about this endeavor to other friends and staff members – no one would have to know that fear won out.    Ahhh….. The deceptive enticement that accompanies a profound lack of accountability is threatening to all promises made.  ( a TLH original ) 

Seated across the table at our staff meeting was the unknowing person who extended the dreaded invitation.  Contemplating just the right words to alleviate the discomfort associated with simply TALKING to a group – my attention went back to the front of the room.  Oh yes, Pastor is talking…should probably pay attention. 

Dr. L.  The epitome of a wise, grounded and Godly man began sharing from his heart about conquering fear.  (Seriously? I thought) “The answer to conquering fear is not courage itself, but a healthy “fear” of God.  When our focus is magnificent communion with God – we don’t settle for finding “solutions” to our fears.   Our devotion and communion with Him is everything.   It’s not just an intellectual thing – it’s got to be visceral.”    He went on….

1. Fear causes us to justify disobedience.  (GULP! It’s as if he knows what’s going on in my head.)   
2. Fear is idolatry; unbridled fear occupies your thoughts (DANG IT! He must know.)  Admittedly, I did come to this realization a few Octobers ago – but the idol remained securely in place.
3. Fear, unless conquered – always leads to disobedience.  (Okay, so maybe I’ll not back out of Friday’s event - it would be disobedient on many levels, ultimately I’d feel guilty and again, the Enemy would have won that battle.)

 Several other pages of notes follow the “fear” talk – but the points listed above were exactly the ones that needed to penetrate my heart on that morning.  I love when God speaks to us all at the same time, but differently.  Others in the room likely heard these same words as applicable to a situation they face with health; finances; children, etc.

So, Friday the 15^th came and went.  I thought about what should be included in the “talk” and wrote it all down to maximize recall.  If there is one thing that the 12 year old Tawnda taught me though – it’s NEVER hold a piece of paper in one’s hands while speaking.  So, when we walked onstage – it was just me and another staffer, microphones, no notes – and a bright light that made me extremely warm, while making the audience invisible.  (Not one face was discernible.)

Afterward, on the drive home, WGH was talking to me about this experience, encouragingly of course.  It was bizarre because I had ZERO recollection of the words that fell from my mouth.  I only hope that it wasn’t incredibly painful for those within earshot.  (Slightly painful is okay – just not incredibly!)  I knew that everything written down was not said….and that what was said, was not written in my notes.  So much for planning.

In the comedy of ironies that compose this journey of mine – I’m on staff with men and women who think nothing of getting up in front of 100s and in some cases 1000s of people at a time – without a hint of trepidation.  Unimaginable, it must seem to them, for one to struggle in front of 40 or so well- known peers; classmates,  family members or friends.  

Great oratorical skills, much like athletic ability, may never be my thing. I may have been fearfully made – but not made to live fearfully.  For whatever time remains, I will press into Him, and walk through whatever grand adventures wait – with eyes wide open.  No longer will fear remain a part-time master nor a cloak. 

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears." (Ps 34:4)

"What Brown Did for Me"

There are three favorite spots in our home for reading, writing and thinking.  One of those is our living room.  It’s easiest to allow my mind the freedom to reflect and sometimes wander while comfortably reclining on the Waverly Rose covered, overstuffed furniture – against the backdrop of artichoke stained walls.  This is a very feminine room…quiet and tranquil.  Any time I enter the living room for personal study, two very sweet calico kittens follow.  They seem to complete the atmosphere as they snuggle on the ottoman next to my feet.   Friday evening was the perfect time for me to relax in the living room for a bit.

It was the conclusion to another full week – not unlike most, a week of meetings, appointments and even a couple of fun outings with friends.  He had traveled and much had been going on,  WGH and I wanted nothing more than to stay home and just chill out.  (Now that I’ve come to appreciate the act of “resting”, those low-key, pajama clad nights at home are my favorite!)  Friday evening I settled into the living room as WGH continued working in his upstairs office.  Once his day was through – he joined me, seated across the room, facing me as we talked about the happenings of recent days. 

After a few minutes of conversing, our doorbell rang – and WGH opened the door to find our UPS man.  It was a late evening delivery of a UPS Express Envelope.  WGH sat back down across from me with the parcel in hand and I asked the usual questions:  “what is it?”   “who is it from?”   His response was “why do I think I’m not going to like what’s in this envelope?”   It’s an understandable sentiment – the company he has been employed by for four years is in Chapter 11.  The company is cutting expenses, and when companies cut expenses – they tend to cut workforce.  Ugh.

As he stared at the envelope with the vague Sender info, my mind catapulted in several directions: “

•  Hmmm…  Friday evenings are notoriously famous for pink slips. 
• Maybe I should grab it from him and hide it until Monday so we can still enjoy a restful weekend?
• Okay, I know that we’ve maintained a certain peace about this whole “job security” thing …but admittedly, on the verge of opening this letter, that peace quickly left me.”
•  I took a deep breath as he opened what was certain to change the course of our night, this weekend – and the coming weeks and months. 
• In a pathetic attempt at humor, I suggested that maybe it was a membership into the “jelly of the month club”. 
• I stared and waited for what seemed like forever as he pulled the tab and removed a regular sized envelope.  GULP.  “Here we go.” 

After a long pause, he revealed the contents of the letter.  Our weekend was not in danger after all – and the next few days at least, would go as we had planned.  After getting my heart rate up for the   big reveal, we went to the gym before settling into a fireside movie.  While on the treadmill, I kept thinking about how easy it is to “say” you have peace about something – but how disciplined one must actually be to fully experience and enjoy that peace.  I was disappointed in myself for allowing my mind to venture to the worst case scenario – rather than peacefully trusting and accepting what was to come next. 

A couple of questions came to mind while reviewing the UPS delivery on the treadmill: 

1. My heart rate was actually higher sitting in the living room 30 minutes before getting to the gym – why did I allow myself to get so anxious – and so quickly?
2. How many times have I wanted to delay “opening” what was handed to me out of fear or the inability to control a situation?  Am I more short-sighted now than before?
3. Have I missed something wonderful at times because I “refused delivery”?

Of course, I was also reminded of many times that something was brought to the doorstep of my life that I really didn’t want, but had to accept it anyway.  Some of those very situations have been the greatest blessings of all.  You hear stories like this all the time – you break a bone (not what you wanted), but a lifesaving diagnosis resulted; You get a blister and stop for a band-aid making you late for work (not desirable) – then miss being killed when a plane purposefully flies into your building; Your spouse leaves you for another person (never desirable) – but you ultimately marry your best friend and find out what it means to be truly loved.  Everyone has stories like this – there are several in my own life, and in the lives of close family and friends.  Had my worst fears become reality – life wouldn’t have stopped and somehow the situation would’ve been redeemed. 

We still enjoyed a relaxing weekend, complete with a vivid reminder that God is always at work, teaching and shaping us in ways and for reasons beyond us.  He often does it with a sense of humor. 

That UPS letter that caused my heart to momentarily race?  It was a new AMEX card. 


 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  (Phil 4:6-7)

  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  (Jer 29:11)