.... Not Made to be Fearful

She was extraordinarily quiet.  On rare occasions when she actually spoke, few could hear her.  She’s the girl who was typically first to finish assignments, yet would be the very last to raise her hand in answer to a teacher’s question.  If there were a group project, she’d be thrilled to complete all necessary research, illustrations, bibliographies, etc. – anything but the “verbal presentation.”   She was the seventh grader so nauseated from the thought of reciting the Star Spangled Banner in front of her class, that Mrs. Rayner  postponed her “speech” to the last possible moment.   In sixth grade, an A+ speller – she refused to sign up for the school wide spelling bee.  However, Mr. Graybert encouraged her to “give it a try”, persuading her to reluctantly enter at the very last minute and with zero study time.  Well, she won. (You’d think that could’ve been a great pre-adolescent confidence booster….but no.)   This horrifically awkward, insecure child, as you may have guessed – is me.

I’d be delighted to report that the shy little introvert grew into an easygoing, vivacious, confident woman with no apprehension of standing before peers, extended family, and groups in general.  Delighted – but lying.  The same overwhelming fear that accompanied “oral reports” throughout my academic career has yet to escape me.  While cheering my own children along in this very arena, great effort and creativity aided my escape from the dreaded “speaking role” – times too many to count.

There were a few occasions in my “younger adult” days that I thought this curse of silence had lost its hold.  But alas, it was merely the inhibition reduction associated with “name- your –fruity- Rum –drink- here”.  There is clearly no other explanation for a painfully shy girl to enter a dancing contest on stage at  Rupert’s in Buckhead .  It wasn’t ballroom dancing; it wasn’t the ballet studied for years – it was a Corona sponsored  event, at which members of the audience were invited to hop on stage, and dance with a 6’ inflatable Corona bottle, to the tune of “My Sharona”.   Just enough of a “Strawberry something” can make one momentarily forget the shy, awkward identity she clings to.  She loses sight of the fact that her place is in the corner…far away from any spotlight. 

Fast forward to a few years ago; at a staff event that I coordinated down to the last detail – it was requested that I make a brief introduction of a speaker.  Out of habit – my response was, “I can’t do that – I’m a behind the scenes person.”   No sooner than those words had left my mouth, my 5’9” stature felt about 3 inches tall.  Somewhere along life’s journey, this anxiety over “public speaking” became an identity I could safely hide behind.  Ironically, fashioning my worst fear into an adult-sized security blanket. 

That event resulted in a painful awareness of opportunities and experiences missed – because of my own avoidance.  At that realization, I vowed to move past this issue; like most vows, easier said than done.   There have been teeny tiny advancements and giant steps backward.  Toward the end of 2011, a revitalized conviction set in.  It was obvious that no amazing metamorphosis had occurred since that “awakening” a few Octobers earlier.  Drastic times call for drastic measures.                     

My hope at the onset of 2012 is that this year would be different – that my life would be different.   Specifically, areas that have long been unattended undernourished or underutilized.  No longer would I ride the waves of complacency, but instead choose to live with greater intentionality, embracing the victory and freedom and joy that are availalable to all of us. No longer did I want a major facet of my identity to be “the quiet/shy/awkward/don’t call on her” one.    It all requires awareness, effort, adjustment, accountability, and lots of prayer.  My journal for January points to an emphasis on relationships, worry and prayer.   The month of February has been saturated with lessons and reminders about overcoming fear.   (Not that relationships, worry, prayer and fear are all contained to a particular calendar month… it just seems they’ve been dominant lessons.)  My greatest fear, as silly and shallow as it may seem to some – is simply speaking in front of others.  (Regardless of group size/familiarity/ages, etc.)

On January 12^th, I was asked to talk to a group of junior and high school students at an FBC event to take place Friday, February 17^th. With over a month between “saying yes” and actual execution - I felt comfortable enough.  Beyond that, I did my absolute best NOT to let anyone know what I’d agreed to.    Better yet, I didn’t want the student ministries staff to know of the instantaneous nausea that afflicted me the moment I clicked “send” on the acceptance.

Heightened awareness of blind spots and a 2012 commitment to intentionality – have landed me in precarious positions in the last few weeks.  In Thursday Bible Study, not only did I “not look down” overtly avoiding eye contact, but I actually VOLUNTEERED in response to a request for a 15 minute VERBAL presentation on the Attributes of God.  SERIOUSLY?  Was that ME???  (It was uncomfortable to say the least, but I completed it – without barfing, fainting, or crying.)     The Attributes of God presentation was challenging enough.  Then the next big challenge set in  - the radical and uncharacteristic commitment  to speak to a sanctuary full of teenagers, adult chaperones, and leaders.  (Teenagers contributed to my ever increasing angst throughout school…. What was I thinking???)

The topic was my son, Tyler.   Let’s face it; I’m kind of an expert on the subject matter.   Specifically, I would share about him, making him “personal” and known to the students present.  Then the goal was to communicate the incredible supportive value that letters provide to our deployed Military.   Being the very proud Mom of a Marine son, complete with firsthand knowledge of deployments – this goal seemed compatible with acquired maternal insights. 

However, two days before the event, on Wednesday the 15^th of February, I was teetering on backing out.  Honestly, it was more of a “leaning” than a balanced teetering.  Since I hadn’t made a big deal about this endeavor to other friends and staff members – no one would have to know that fear won out.    Ahhh….. The deceptive enticement that accompanies a profound lack of accountability is threatening to all promises made.  ( a TLH original ) 

Seated across the table at our staff meeting was the unknowing person who extended the dreaded invitation.  Contemplating just the right words to alleviate the discomfort associated with simply TALKING to a group – my attention went back to the front of the room.  Oh yes, Pastor is talking…should probably pay attention. 

Dr. L.  The epitome of a wise, grounded and Godly man began sharing from his heart about conquering fear.  (Seriously? I thought) “The answer to conquering fear is not courage itself, but a healthy “fear” of God.  When our focus is magnificent communion with God – we don’t settle for finding “solutions” to our fears.   Our devotion and communion with Him is everything.   It’s not just an intellectual thing – it’s got to be visceral.”    He went on….

1. Fear causes us to justify disobedience.  (GULP! It’s as if he knows what’s going on in my head.)   
2. Fear is idolatry; unbridled fear occupies your thoughts (DANG IT! He must know.)  Admittedly, I did come to this realization a few Octobers ago – but the idol remained securely in place.
3. Fear, unless conquered – always leads to disobedience.  (Okay, so maybe I’ll not back out of Friday’s event - it would be disobedient on many levels, ultimately I’d feel guilty and again, the Enemy would have won that battle.)

 Several other pages of notes follow the “fear” talk – but the points listed above were exactly the ones that needed to penetrate my heart on that morning.  I love when God speaks to us all at the same time, but differently.  Others in the room likely heard these same words as applicable to a situation they face with health; finances; children, etc.

So, Friday the 15^th came and went.  I thought about what should be included in the “talk” and wrote it all down to maximize recall.  If there is one thing that the 12 year old Tawnda taught me though – it’s NEVER hold a piece of paper in one’s hands while speaking.  So, when we walked onstage – it was just me and another staffer, microphones, no notes – and a bright light that made me extremely warm, while making the audience invisible.  (Not one face was discernible.)

Afterward, on the drive home, WGH was talking to me about this experience, encouragingly of course.  It was bizarre because I had ZERO recollection of the words that fell from my mouth.  I only hope that it wasn’t incredibly painful for those within earshot.  (Slightly painful is okay – just not incredibly!)  I knew that everything written down was not said….and that what was said, was not written in my notes.  So much for planning.

In the comedy of ironies that compose this journey of mine – I’m on staff with men and women who think nothing of getting up in front of 100s and in some cases 1000s of people at a time – without a hint of trepidation.  Unimaginable, it must seem to them, for one to struggle in front of 40 or so well- known peers; classmates,  family members or friends.  

Great oratorical skills, much like athletic ability, may never be my thing. I may have been fearfully made – but not made to live fearfully.  For whatever time remains, I will press into Him, and walk through whatever grand adventures wait – with eyes wide open.  No longer will fear remain a part-time master nor a cloak. 

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears." (Ps 34:4)