If I could talk to you today....and You Could Hear what I have to Say...

(Let’s be honest – I’d hug you before saying a word!) 

I’d tell you again how fortunate I am to have had you in this crazy life.  Your voice is still clear in memory.  Remembering the sound of your laughter brings an immediate smile. Your big “bear” hugs were a cushy infusion of protection, encouragement and love.  Thanks for understanding me, for listening to my words – and for reading between the lines when words failed.  You saw things as they were when others were too easily deceived.  You were one of the greatest encouragers ever known.

Many favorite memories include you.  Whether visits to your house or visits to ours – we always had fun.  It was often said that we giggled like little girls at night when everyone was supposed to be sleeping.  We did – and I’d not trade those memories for anything.  Certain aromas take me back to the fresh baked cookies always in the kitchen; to sloppy Joes, Pringles and “pop” and those fun metal tv trays.  The butter cookies with the sprinkles, yum – wish I had that recipe now!  The Buckeyes too - of course, those held personal significance!  The smell of cold water hitting asphalt is a reminder of you watering the rose bushes that lined your little driveway on a warm day.  The combination of cedar and another unidentifiable scent reminds me of your garage – which seemed like a magical place full of lawn equipment and toys back then!   Images of “having tea” with you – with a small blue and white tea set in your living room, are embedded in my mind. All these things and many more – still so clear and easily recalled.

When asked, “Who is someone who greatly influenced you?” – You’re always at the top of the list.  Not only did you have a direct impact on me, but indirectly as well.  You deserve credit for raising some pretty terrific kids – one in particular!  Long after your last breath, your influence remains and your memory is alive – continuing not only in me, but in the hearts of some of my favorite people on Earth.  My husband and children have heard stories about you over the years.  It saddens me that you were never able to meet them.  You would’ve ADORED them all – and no question, they would have adored you in return. 

You know that as a Mom, there is no shortage of moments that take your breath away.  As my kids have grown into adults, it’s become painfully obvious that some of the difficulties encountered when they were little – weren’t difficulties at all.  The stuff of life that’s taking place now, wow – it’s hard.  You know what it’s like to see your kids facing opposition – it stinks.   You’ve watched your own walk some of the paths that mine have taken.  There are numerous similarities. How I wish you were here so we could talk through these things.  Your perspective and insight would be priceless. 

You were a woman of faith – who prayed for all of us.  I hope now, if you could see me – that you would be pleased, and that you would recognize answers to some of your earlier prayers.  Having seen answers to my own has been such a blessing – especially, those that took years to witness fully. This is not to imply that I have been or will ever be “perfect” - trust me! You had a profound impact, but even you were incapable of a miracle. J

Yours is an exemplary model of “how” to profoundly influence generations that follow.  The fact that more than two decades after we said goodbye, you come to mind so often – only affirms the significant role you held.   Distance wasn’t a deterrent then – and although I miss you, it’s not a deterrent now.  Thank you for such a legacy.

One year,  I was given a cassette tape recorder with a microphone for the purpose of sending you audio messages through the mail.  You probably don' t know that after waving goodbye to you one day, I recorded a message – and let Dad listen to make sure I did it right. He suggested that I do it again – and leave out the part that said, “As we were waving goodbye, I couldn’t see very well because I was crying so hard.”  My kid heart only wanted to convey how much you were already missed – but he was right to suggest it would only make you sad.

 Dad’s not reviewing my messages these days, so here goes:  “The day Pat told me you were gone, was one of the hardest days of my existence.  There was an immediate void. No one else could fill it – and I wouldn’t want them to.  When I remember you as I often do, tears still fill my eyes – as they are in this moment.  With time comes clear perspective, even through tears. With the passing years and changes in family dynamics, I am increasingly aware of how blessed I was to have you for the time you were here. 

I love you and miss you like crazy.  I'm grateful for the life you lived and for the way you loved.  Hopefully, someday my children and grandchildren will think of me in the same way you’re thought of still.

Just be on the lookout for me, because on the day I get to Heaven – you’ll be the first one I’m looking for!  (Okay, I know what you'd say... and yes, you're right - after Jesus, I'll be looking for you.)

T

PS - this picture is on a memo board in my office - what makes it special is your handwriting on the back....along with your name and address.  Knowing this photo was in your purse at one time makes me smile.