A few months ago, I added the “Words with Friends” app to my Ipad. An immediate addiction to this game ensued. (User Name tawnda22, by the way!) Throughout the day, I will “take a turn” on breaks, while waiting in the doctor’s office, before heading out the door, and often – just before going to sleep. The slight addiction has been justified in knowing that “word games” are good for the brain long term , decreasing the odds of Alzheimer’s, Dementia, etc. “Words with Friends” has another application too. It’s one that doesn’t require an Ipad/Iphone, etc. It only requires a participant to have a tongue, and one or more is required to have an ear. This “real life” app can either build up or tear down another. It can breed trust or can reveal a complete lack of trustworthiness. This app can enhance relationships and more quickly, it can destroy them. Let’s face it – words are powerful.
When I was 13, “3 Way Calling” was becoming popular. One afternoon, a good friend of mine called, as was typical. She went through a series of questions regarding a mutual friend - tricking me into saying something unflattering about our friend’s mother, regarding her appearance (specifically, the way her eye glasses looked on her.) No sooner than the immature and hurtful words left my mouth, I learned our mutual friend had been on the call listening, the entire time. I felt horribly violated by both of them but a bit guilty for allowing myself to say something critical. Since that early life lesson I’ve tried to conduct all phone calls as though there is another party on the line - hearing every word.
When we apply “Words” in our intimate relationships and within our families, we have the power to enrich and encourage those closest to us. Conversely, we can tear down and scar the very people we love most. Growing up as a firstborn, my mother used to tell me that I was an accident, that she didn’t want a child when I came along (that actually explains a lot - for another day!) Whether or not she meant it, she would often compound the hurt by talking about how badly she wanted her other children and how pleasantly surprised she was to find out she was pregnant with her last, after being told she’d not have any more kids. Those words, often spoken, hurt me as a little girl. For years, I felt unwanted, unloved, rejected - an outcast in my own family. As a result, I’ve ALWAYS been very careful of the words used with my children.
We use our words to influence peers regarding restaurants, movies, books, and even other people. Knowing that “word of mouth” carries weight, we should sense an added degree of personal responsibility. A few months ago, “a friend” shared a negative comment concerning me - with a third party, not realizing that the “third party” is also my friend. Fortunately, that person came to me and shared the exchange. It hurt – but instead of allowing it to continue, I pursued clarification and confrontation - then offered forgiveness. This isn’t the first time someone has shared a fallacy, which should be a caution to all of us when we hear something said of others. Just because someone “says it” – it’s not necessarily true.
Another way “words with friends” can destroy is when a close friend or confidante shares something deeply private about us - that we shared within the confines of friendship. Most likely, this has happened to everyone; embarrassing for us – revealing of others. We must carefully discern who we are entrusting the intimate details of our lives with - is it someone that we know freely broadcasts the private matters of others? uh... my lips would be sealed if the answer is yes.
A few examples of how I’ve been hurt by the words of others are listed, but it would be disingenuous to omit my own shortcomings. More than once, I’ve been guilty of verbalizing unwarranted and uninvited valuations of others’ performance, childrearing, fashion don’ts, and so forth. Worse, in “lively discussions” with my dear husband, I’ve been guilty of applying words that would only serve to hurt him – not moving toward resolution, but adding fuel to an already kindled fire.
Above, I shared of a friend unknowingly saying something about me to a third friend, but I left out one detail: In raw emotion, frustrated and hurt – guess who repeated the sordid details of this drama with ANOTHER trusted friend? Yep, me. The next day, feeling convicted – I asked for his forgiveness of the very word infraction that had wounded me. A few minutes of self-righteousness often precede a humbling blunder - in my world!
It’s been said that our thoughts determine our words, and our words determine our actions. We have got to capture our thoughts and not let them run rampant – spilling over into careless words that wound others. Winston Churchill said, “We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.” Prayerfully, I’ll become a greater master of the unsaid.
Taming the Tongue (James 3:1-12)
3:1 Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. 2 For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. 3 If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. 4 Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, [1] and set on fire by hell. [2] 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, [3] these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.
