The fine line between worry and WONDER makes all the
difference in how we approach life's unknowns. Identical stressful situations, difficult
or hopeless relationships and blatant disappointments will impact us
differently depending on the grid through which they’re viewed. We can choose to “worry” – making ourselves and those around us crazy. A posture of “worry” benefits no one. The unnecessary angst contributes
to otherwise avoidable psychosomatic physical ailments, sleepless nights, and alienation
- worsening outlook and making dark times further bleak. (Having been a
professional worrier for many years, this is firsthand knowledge.)
Conversely, “wonder” is looking at the same seemingly
impossible situations through a lens of faith, and anticipation coupled with gratitude. This is the grid I choose
to see challenges through these days… and it took me a ridiculous long
time, and many “impossible situations” and correlating sleepless nights to get
here.
The last few years, and especially throughout the roller coaster ride that was 2015 – I became a “wonder woman” and I refuse to become a prolific
worry wart again. Refuting the whole “Polly Anna” thing – we can’t just sit
idly with a moronic smile, waiting for someone to resolve the issues before us,
but if there are actions within our power that we can take, then by all means,
we have the responsibility to own and follow through. (The entitlement mindset is pervasive in our
culture – and it’s not just prolific among millennials. Sadly, too many adults
prior to and after my generation still rely on and expect others to “solve their problems, and fill whatever voids
exist.” Get over it!)
Disclaimer: I can
slide into a mode of “worry and angst” if I don’t guard my heart and mind,
making a conscience choice to the contrary. This
choice is something that comes easier than before, but is definitely not
something I’ve perfected – nor will I ever. If I (or anyone) proclaim to have
mastered this eternally optimistic mindset, it would only indicate denial…
IMHO.
So, how did 2015 further catapult me in to being a "wonder woman"?
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| Embracing "wonder" in 2015, meant it was finally time to get the official costume of my lifelong favorite super hero. I wore it October 31st... and had the best Halloween ever!!! |
In January, I wondered
the following:
“How long is this
perpetual separation and ultimate divorce going to drag out?” It had
already been far too long. Living alone in a house far too
big for one person and full of painful memories was somewhat a relief, but not
complete freedom from a season that should’ve concluded years ago. (Worrying wouldn’t have changed the timing. Ultimately, everything was finalized and
a long and painful chapter, finally closed for good.)
The evening my house was finally listed in January, I wondered: “How many weeks or months will this be my
reality?” (having the house in constant “show condition” and being concerned
someone would let my 2 feline babies out accidentally… okay, that may have
bordered on “worry”!) The house was
shown 10 times in 1 day – and that’s all it took. Buyers wanted to take occupancy 3 weeks later….
Which led to the next opportunity to wonder rather than worry.
“Would I actually be
able to find a suitable home, available
for me in 3 weeks, and beyond that… would I be able to qualify for a mortgage
on my own, with my meager church salary?” This was a monumental test. The mortgage
process – and expedient turnaround, honestly moved me to tears more than
once. Yet, I would eventually get back
to “trusting” in something greater than myself.
There were frequent obstacles, but each was overcome. The house for me became obvious quickly, and
while I was concerned about the many requests from the mortgage company – all conditions
were met and 3 weeks later, I had the keys to my very own house. For the first time in my life, I was living
alone – in a home no other family member had occupied, and the first that was solely in my name. Worry didn’t/wouldn’t have
changed anything. In fact, sitting at
closing – the attorney said to me, “Wow – start to finish, we got this loan
approved and funded in 3 weeks… this never happens!” (That made me feel pretty good – and was such
a huge relief , marking a new beginning.... OF EVERYTHING!)
February 17th
was the closing date, and due to a snow storm in the Carolinas – my move in date
was pushed to the next day. That night I cried again – some happy tears, some not - I was exhausted from the process and everything I owned was unexpectedly sitting on a moving truck for an extra night. So, I did the only logical thing to do. I went to dinner at Outback and enjoyed a Ribeye with all the sides, and a Cabernet. Rather than staying in a hotel room, I went back to the old house and slept in a sleeping bag on the floor in a newly empty room. That was just under a year ago, but I recall the details and flurried emotions so vividly. Worrying did not change a thing.... wondering just opened me up to receive and best appreciate and enjoy the gifts before me.
On the morning of the 18th, close friends
were standing with me in the driveway as the moving truck pulled in and the
unloading process commenced. Home. I was home.It felt amazing (and still does!) My home has become more of a respite and place of peace than I imagined.
March-July, I came to
terms with the fact that I was no longer called to serve full time in
ministry. Having been on staff at my home
church for 18 years, that seemed like another big loss, but it was undeniably time to go. Wrestling with the decision,
and having obtained wise counsel on the matter, I submitted my resignation and then was told my last day would be August 31st. I began to again “wonder”: “what would life be like not seeing some of
my favorite people daily as I had long been accustomed to?” “Where would I go after that? What would I do next? (I knew another ministry position was not in
my immediate future…but I wasn’t sure where I’d go.)
August 31st
came…and I cried that entire day as I said goodbye to many I long regarded as “adopted
family.” Still not knowing what direction my career would take, I cashed in a
portion of my retirement and have been living on that since. My financial advisor suggested that I go back
to work immediately and strive to pay off the mortgage as quickly as possible. Theoretically, that’s only logical. However, events of the last few years wore me out physically and emotionally. Having been a mom most of my adult life, and employed in some capacity since the age of 15 - for
the first time I’ve enjoyed a self-imposed
sabbatical. This is a decision that I’ll
not regret. The time off has afforded the bandwidth to reconnect with old
friends, deepen existing relationships, and foster new ones. Above all, and while it sounds selfish it’s been necessary for me to get off the “crazy
hamster wheel” and take care of “me” for a change … This is preparation for the
next season. I have slept like a college
kid – and I’ve gotten in touch with “me” again without the distractions of a job,
and divorce drama, and hardest for me to accept – without being a hands on mom
to my babies. (That’s another post for
another day!)
September: The “wonder”
opportunities were most abundant with regard to organized religion. I saw too much, knew too much firsthand of
matters I wish remained in the dark. It became
harder for me to be in church on Sundays, especially, when some took it up on themselves to judge me for
having initiated divorce. Because I kept
particulars private for so long – conclusions were quickly made, and hurtful
words were said far too often. This was not the norm, because those who actually
knew limited details were overwhelmingly supportive. The behavior of a select few brought back to
mind all the hypocrisy I associated with the church as a teenager. I also realized that it was hard for me to
worship, and to hear a message from the pulpit under these circumstances. The sad reality that only I can own is that
the motivation for continuing to show up each week was my own pride. (Not wanting anyone to perceive my leaving
staff as anyone’s choice but my own.) A good friend and former
pastor, counseled me through this season of “wondering” and we both agreed
that it would be good for me to take a step back and get to a more neutral
place. Attending on Sundays was not
helping my “righteous standing” in the eyes of God or of hypocrites…but it was
damaging to my personal journey of faith. Having
been “a church lady” for so long, I wondered what life would look like, but I’ve
been reminded that my faith is my own – and no one else’s to critique or manage. Some of the most intimate encounters I’ve had
with the Creator of the Universe have taken place on my deck, or on long walks, or while driving through the mountains. I’ll not have “man”
tell me how to live my life, what I can and can’t say, and above all – I’ll not
be told who I should or shouldn’t be friends with. (This is far from Biblical!)
Experts often say that
the most growth occurs in the first 3 years of life. For me, a close second has to be 2015, a year
in which the only 2 constants were my bra size and my shoe size! (ahem… clearing
up any other rumors!)
There is so much I’ve
learned about:
·
…life alone (it’s been a vacation of sorts, challenging
and revealing at times, fun, mostly relaxing and far less lonely than being one
of two in an unhealthy relationship)
·
… implementing
a moratorium on men (dumb idea…kinda)
.. ... friendships, organic - some last a lifetime, and some for a season... but all are tremendous gifts. (Thankfully, many well-grounded friends have helped me to wonder rather than worry over these past few years.)
·
… being an
empty nester (that’s been quite the adjustment… and the one I’m having the most
difficulty with.)
Looks like a topic or 2
for a future download. For now, this champion
sleeper is going to bed! (I won’t worry
about how long it will take for slumber to fall upon me; in fact, I won’t even
have time to “wonder”!)
Another Bonus to being a "Wonder Woman"?
(The coolest ever - red, platform boots!)
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